My favourite MAFS recap is a Fucc Week recap! Whatever, send me to horny gaol.
Shannon has not yet recovered from discovering he is an emotionally unavailable turd.
He thinks Caitlin‘s a better person than him (she is) because he would’ve written leave if she was still in love with her ex!
Janelle is finally confused by Crypto Bro (Adam) allegedly saying he would go home with Claire but he’s still calling bullshit. He says Lyndall leaving the pub wouldn’t stop him from going home with Claire (if that’s what he wanted). LOL. Is this meant to be helping?
Disney Daddy (Josh) bought Horny Mum (Melissa) sourdough English muffins from the shops. It’s actually so sweet that this acts-of-service king remembered Horny Mum loves sourdough. Of course, Horny Mum doesn’t see it that way. She just wants bang bang bang. Speaking of, does anyone remember this “viral” video? Just me? OK.
At least she doesn’t let him choke on the bread, I guess. Saving lives = love.
Bronte is entering her Coachella era while schooling Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) on how they are on “two completely different spectrums of human being”. I love how dumb this show makes me.
Bronte reckons Bunnings Daddy texted her saying he wasn’t leaving. He vehemently denies this like he vehemently denies literally everything.
She has receipts. OK he apparently wrote, “I’m not going anywhere” not “I’m not leaving” which is basically the same thing so why is this a fight?
Bunnings Daddy thinks Bronte’s gaslighting him and that’s fucking rich. He would hate to see me relay a story because I miss vital details the more times I tell it.
Bronte has taken on a different form where she claps and points and says “narcissist” a lot. His behaviour would drive me bonkers too TBF.
Bunnings Daddy is dying on this hill. I will sympathise with him in 2083 when I am hopefully dead.
MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla is hosting separate sex workshops for the brides and grooms. Melissa is “bubbled” which is a weird expression but sure. Alessandra tells the women that intimacy does not equal sex.
Alessandra has whipped out a sex toy.
It scares the shit out of Alyssa and if it goes up the stink, then maybe?
Melinda doesn’t want to rely on a vibrator as she thinks it sets up her partner for failure. Alessandra says she thinks the vibrator is a party her partner can be invited to!
Alessandra encourages the wives to try out the goodies in their boxes. The literal nature of this statement has sent these party poopers:
Alyssa has never owned a vibrator before now and Alexa, play ‘A Whole New World’ by Disney.
Da Boiz turn. I’m sure this will be simply enlightening.
“I’m really looking forward to this,” Bunnings Daddy says. “I might teach Alessandra something, who knows,” he laughs and GET IN THE BIN YA TOOL.
Da Boiz are all feeling a bit nervous listening to a super beautiful woman talk about sex. Alessandra asks the men where they should touch women to turn them on.
Collarbone, neck and thighs are all said while I patiently wait for someone to say “the clit”.
Alessandra tells them if they touch their heart then they’ll get a “warm, fuzzy body” from their partner. Bunnings Daddy would rather spend time with Bronte than imagine a sex life that requires emotional connection.
Prince Eric is “all for” sex toys and this is good information to know. Bunnings Daddy is also a fan.
“If you let a woman stimulate herself when you have sex with her, phwoar, next level,” he says.
“I’ve never really needed an accessory,” Josh tells Alessandra. Now Mel wanting round six, seven, eight and nine makes sense.
Alessandra loves our Disney Daddy’s confidence in his abilities.
She reminds Disney Daddy it’s not about “needing” but elevating. “You don’t need to have utensils to eat your steak either, you can just grab it with your hand,” she tells him. Meanwhile, Cam is celebrating his 10th birthday.
Bunnings Daddy is shook that Cam has never done anal. “What? Bro!” The judgement reminds me of not wearing tampons until Year 9. We will insert tampons into vaginal cavities and dicks into asses when we’re damn well ready, OK?
Moving on. The men are organising dates for their wives after learning the importance of foreplay. Ollie has recreated he and Tahnee’s Fijian honeymoon so they can revisit… last week.
Sandy and Dan go on a date which I don’t care about as I know they don’t end up together. I guess contracts really do serve a point.
Bunnings Daddy is googling date ideas.
No one plans dates like this, with a notebook, I am sure of it. Especially not men like Bunnings Daddy.
He asks Bronte to go on a date with him — a bucket of pure fun — and she says no because she is a bucket of pure brains.
Crypto Bro thinks Janelle has been having a tough week (because he said he would go home with Claire) so he gets her drugstore nail products which, as a famous beauty vlogger, would likely make her intestines curl.
He is giving her a foot massage which will surely make her forget Crypto Bro’s proclivity to cheat.
Janelle is loving this footwork and Alessandra was right, this IS good foreplay. She loves his big, firm hands and I hope everyone’s digested dinner.
Jesse has invited Claire over for a platter with a shit biscuit-to-cheese ratio.
There is also water-bottle bowling available. But not just any water bottles! Plastic water bottles! How unnecessarily cruel to the environment?
Jesse tells Claire he thinks he is still here on MAFS for a reason. That sounds very spiritual and crystal-y but go off, celebrant.
Bunnings Daddy is having a hot night out with himself, which sounds like his dream date TBH. I wonder if he’ll go all the way!
Disney Daddy has gotten Horny Mum a LEGO of Thor’s hammer and I am actually deceased. It’s equal parts LOL and thoughtful. Finally, Horny Mum is grateful.
Claire asks Jesse to come over if he can pull himself away from Kama Sutra. Claire, like most people, really loves Alessandra.
Jesse and Claire have to hug and feel each other’s heartbeats? Jesse is not used to being held but he likes it! He thinks it’s “really, really” nice. He would like to do more hugs. Loving Claire’s manicure, which was clearly not done at Crypto Bro and Janelle’s spa.
Bunnings Daddy is using a vibrator to cook and I’m sure that upsets Wild Secrets, or whoever is sponsoring this episode, a great deal.
Layton and Melinda exist!
Ollie and Tahnee have been having a great time with the vibrators but his sailor pants will probably end up on Facebook Marketplace. Tahnee thinks he should wear them first and sell them used.
Disney Daddy is convinced he and Horny Mum bonded over the LEGO but they’re doing that thing when you wake up and look at the ceiling because you’re too uncomfortable to look at each other in all your morning glory. It’s very morning-after vibes where you’re conscious of whether or not your mascara is somehow on your lip.
Jesse is visiting Janelle and Crypto Bro’s beauty salon to try and redeem himself from going bananas that fateful night where he demanded to see his phone. They tell him it’s really thoughtful but the salon closed yesterday and he’s about 12 hours too late.
Jesse visits Claire on the way home to tell her goodnight and they hug for another five hours. I am patiently waiting for them to separate to they can smewch. Ugh, no such luck. Soon, I hope.
Horny Mum has whipped out the puffer vest to let Disney Daddy know about his hundred, million, billion, trillion per cent intimacy issue.
They’ve started yelling. I don’t even know how their fights escalate to such heights. Phallic LEGO one day, yelling match the next. This is what happens when you don’t have sex to mask all your problems!
I have a feeling she is trying to encourage hate sex (not that I would know from experience or anything) because she is really going off now.
“You don’t kiss! You don’t touch!” she yells at him. It’s giving Ally comparing her relationship with Noah to her mum and dad on The Notebook. She’s really not letting him speak.
He walks away to the kitchen. Too bad! Coz she’ll find youuuuuu!
He just let out a “hallelujah” that was two volume notches higher than his usual inside voice and it was quite weird.
Horny Mum’s whipping out the “you can’t keep up” narrative again and at this point Disney Daddy is just laughing.
“Does it de-man you?” she asks and honey, I believe the world you’re looking for is “emasculate”.
It looks like Alyssa gets to have sex with Prince Eric next week and heavens, this is not a good show to be watching mid-drought.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer who will be suffering through the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. You can follow her here.
