This MAFS cheating saga is the best thing to happen all season so let’s not waste any time with niceties.
Alyssa wants to never speak to Crypto Dog (Adam) again after he cheated on Janelle. Prince Eric (Duncan), however, wants to speak to Adam again even though he did a shitty thing.
Rupert hasn’t done a nervous poo yet so he’s even more nervous than usual for his first MAFS dinner party.
Jesse hates being the centre of attention which makes no sense as a marriage celebrant who is on national television. He feels like life is laughing in his face because things like this always happen to him.
As much as I feel for him, it’s quite refreshing to see this narrative from a male instead of a female who always feels like she’s discarded for the next best thing. Think about it.
Someone pass me a tequila shot because Crypto Dog has another secret he wants to share at the MAFS dinner party — something about his relationship with Janelle.
Speaking of Janelle, she looks that hot with her big, bad bitch pants on.
Sorry, but did the producers hide a camera in the car mirror because this is a masterpiece:
Tell me that’s not drugstore mascara.
Janelle gets a standing ovation when she enters the… room? Warehouse? Dungeon?
Alyssa declares murder on Claire and Crypto Dog. Is this legal?
Tayla tells the Four Blondes that she doesn’t want to slam Claire when she walks in.
Alyssa isn’t having a bar of it. “We will 100% slam her,” she confirms and then lists all the reasons why.
Alyssa is very gestural tonight.
Claire walks in while holding down her 25th vomit of the day.
Claire says hello to the blondes and they literally just stare at her. Cheater or not, that was horrible behaviour from grown-ass women.
She’s having a cry at the ice bucket and god this would be so awful. Walking into a lion’s den but instead of lions they’re all judgemental blondes.
I truly hope Alyssa does not use chopsticks when eating anything because in her hands, those things are weapons. She will “stab a bitch”!
It’s stacks on for Jesse as he walks through that big sliding door. Claire is mature and says hello while also giving him space. Jesse thinks she has big balls. I think he still loves her, her snort-chuckles and sage sticks.
MAFS expert Mel Schilling makes a very valid point that the ladies are choosing to blame the woman right now — instead of what’s his face.
Oh yes, Crypto Dog. He has arrived and no one cares to greet him except for Rupert because he has shit for brains.
Crypto Dog’s come in fairly hot (not in the attractive sense) and wants to speak to Jesse.
It’s dinner time and Janelle demands order in the court with a toast.
“A lot has happened this week. And I’m sure a lot of you wanna know more. So let’s start by hearing from Adam and Claire,” she says.
What a bad bitch. I am absolutely in love with her for not delaying the inevitable and controlling the situation as much as she can.
Adam is apologising “massively”. What does “massively” apologising include? Saying sorry for the way he made Jesse feel and the way he made Jesse feel crazy. He says no one has taken this harder than himself and I highly doubt that.
He wants to talk about his relationship with Janelle and proceeds to bring up their MAFS honeymoon. Basically he is saying that it wasn’t a real relationship at the point he kissed Claire. A real-life translation of this is any man who has ever said “but we weren’t exclusive”. You know the one.
He also says he didn’t even want to be in the MAFS experiment at that point which is a slap in the tits for Janelle who has only been understanding of his 37 jobs up until now.
“Yes I kissed Claire but I wasn’t cheating, at the time,” he says.
Crypto Bro says he feels more for Jesse. “Not your wife?” Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) asks.
Janelle is crying, as you would if your husband was making a mockery of you, but Crypto Dog? He is laughing.
Janelle says she thought they were in a good place at the point he kissed Claire because they were doing things like cuddling, drinking wine and HAVING SEX. (We reported on this yesterday but I’m so glad MAFS is showing how much of a dog Crypto Dog really is).
“I kissed him goodbye before he left and I had sex with him that night,” Janelle claims.
Alyssa asks if this is true. “100 per cent yeah,” Crypto Dog says. Wow.
Way to make Janelle feel not only humiliated, but like an object that you can use as you please. Horrific. Slimy. The worst. Sadly, people do this more often than we think.
Now Alyssa is grilling Claire for lying directly to Janelle’s face which, let’s be honest, wasn’t great.
I hope Crypto Dog is taking notes because Claire is a good example of how to apologise. And it starts with not blaming beer, iGET or the lamp on your bedside table.
Jesse has “mad respect” for Claire for being here and doing this so he is going to grant her a bit of leniency. I will take note of this for the next time I disappoint a partner.
Claire likes how Jesse is behaving tonight and I’m loving what’s happening except for this:
Meanwhile, Tayla basically confirms she’ll never have sex with Hugo because she sees him as a little puppy dog.
She’s grateful he doesn’t speak as much as the other boys, like Cam, who she is seemingly flirting with. He also mentioned he’s in the doghouse with Lyndall tonight — which they really didn’t need to show because boring — so methinks there is something brewing here.
Back to the real drama. Bunnings Daddy apologises to Jesse for believing Crypto Dog, and is hoping Jesse and Claire can get back on track.
In no uncertain words Bunnings Daddy tells Jesse that he and Claire are now even. They’ve both fucked up and now they can start fresh!
Melinda does not love this.
Jesse’s gut is telling him Bunnings Daddy is being shady and this poor man surely needs a kombucha with all his gut feelings lately.
Melinda calls bullshit on Bunnings Daddy and can’t understand how this turd has been mildly polished.
“I appreciate you noticing the change, thank you,” he tells her and WHY is this so funny? It feels very condescending.
During this time Crypto Dog has asked Jesse for the 127th time to have a chat.
Claire quickly interrupts this conversation to go and give Jesse a letter.
He thinks she gave the best apology he has ever received while simultaneously thinking about his exes.
Then they sneak out like little kids and I actually hope they work it out. As long as she doesn’t cheat on him again. This actually worries me, because Crypto Dog is a shithead and there are other, nicer men who she would surely be more attracted to on here. Like Prince Eric.
That was a lot. Enjoy the next few days of normalcy before Sunday night’s MAFS Commitment Ceremony. Shit will be wild.
Chantelle Schmidt is freelance writer and host of the We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. You can follow her on Instagram and TikTok.
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