Jack and Tori are taking candlelit baths even though he told us during Episode Two that he does not feel sexual chemistry with her.
Gobby master Tim and Sara are getting along.
So are Lucinda Light and Tin Man Timothy.
And Jayden and Eden.
Meanwhile, Not Like Other Girls Natalie is getting along with… herself.
You know who I’ve missed? Cassandra and Tristan.
Tristan asks Cassandra if he can kiss her after dinner, while eating a meal that is most definitely not dinner.
“I think that’ll be nice” she said and no, that’ll be fucking weird is what it’ll be.
The MAFS honesty box is here to ruin lives.
“I demand respect in a relationship. It makes me feel like the man I am,” Jack tells Tori.
Tori confirms that she’s as hot for Jack as her mother is. Jack loves the metaphorical dick pat (and seemingly himself) as he agrees with everything she is saying.
Now it’s Jack’s turn to confirm if he’s feeling sexually attracted to Tori, which we know from the last MAFS episode that he is not.
Jack buys himself 15 minutes while he tries to pronounce “immaculately”.
“It was amazing the way you worded that,” he says about how Tori stroked his ego up and down.
He then tells her he’s had bigger sexual sparks in the past. What every new wife wants to hear! All about your little black book.
Jack says he hopes the sexual chemistry will grow. Didn’t he previously say he’ll know straight away if he wants to bone? To confirm: he hasn’t wanted to get the P in the V over the last two nights, and tells her that. To her face.
“I’m a fierce lover and I’m a passionate lover,” he tells her, and if her vagina didn’t shrivel up in that instant (like mine did) I don’t know what will.
He hopes that they’ll be getting it on by the six-week mark, which if my maths is correct, will be about halfway through the experiment.
He thinks it’s “sweet” Tori’s been “submissive” instead of challenging him.
Natalie and Collins have whipped out a plush ducky to remind them to not fucky.
Lucinda is treating Timothy to a life drawing class and he is just wildly uncomfortable.
He keeps exhaling in fear while Lucinda is mature and comfortable about the situation. Our queen.
Let it be known that Lucinda was gassing up the model during the class, telling her how awesome her curves are and how beautiful she is.
Fuck she’s good value.
Let’s meet some more MAFS 2024 couples!
Ellie was engaged and had her whole life mapped out when her fiancé came home from a bender and decided he didn’t love her anymore. Poor girl.
Ellie tells MAFS expert Mel Schilling that they were around three months away from the actual wedding day when he made the call, and then he got another girl preganté soon after.
Ellie reckons she’s healed from that. I’m sure walking down the aisle today will not remind her of the cancelled wedding at all.
They’re pairing her with a guy named Ben who wears sweaters and would likely want a house with a white picket fence, too. It seems like she’s more focused on having a husband than who the husband is, if I’m brutally honest.
Ben’s a tour leader so what’s the bet he’s sick of backpackers and is ready to deal with a relationship that transcends postcodes.
This is Ellie’s cousin Jordan — they’re extra close because their mums are identical twins and the genetic makeup is making my brain freak out.
It’s time for Ellie’s consolation wedding and is that the same dress that she bought for her other husband? I need to know what happened to that (hope she burnt it).
She ventures down to Summer Bay to meet Ben.
He looks happy and says “wow” when he sees her, which makes sense given she really is quite pretty.
Ellie also likes his face. She says the MAFS experts did a “great job”, because she must be under the impression that two of them had sex and gave birth to him.
Upon realising Ben doesn’t have kids, Natalie says, “That’s good, ticking a few boxes already.” Fucking hell. Remind me not to have kids if I want to tick some boxes.
He is surprised that Ellie likes travelling, but how? That is not a personality trait. This wedding is actually so boring, I’m sorry. Usually these people give me a bit more to work with.
The cousin has stepped in to entertain us by interrogating Ben.
There it is! Ben has a podcast like every other reality TV star on earth. I love that podcasts have become red flags.
Ellie laughs about whether or not he’s here to start an OnlyFans AKA “spicy link in bio”.
“No one would pay to see this,” he laughs and mate, you’d be fucking surprised.
Jordan thinks he can spot a red flag, and you know what? I’m sick of these friends and families spotting red flags.
Well done! You know they’ve still got to spend three months with these crimson flappers, right? BIT LATE.
But there’s more! Ben has applied to be on MAFS before. I’m pretty sure he was knocked back from being The Bachelor too, which is a good thing considering I’m asleep at my desk and that show is already on its deathbed.
Jordan thinks Ben is just here for fame and no shit, Sherlock. I believe the pope is also Catholic and that water is wet but please fascinate me with your revelations.
Ben says clout or whatever is a “silver lining” but he’d be stoked if he fell in love too.
“Are you here for genuine reasons?” the producers ask Ben.
“Yeah I think so,” he replied. At least he’s honest! Damned if they do damned if they don’t, right? Give the bloke a round of applause because, let’s be honest, I’m not listening to his podcast whether he was on a reality show or not.
Luckily Ben is addressing all these questions from Jordan about his authenticity in his wedding speech. His answer to everything is “why not” — a copout answer I use from time to time, to be fair.
Everyone makes a cheers to “why not” and it’s the biggest slap in Jordan’s face. Where’s Hilary Duff when you need her?
Over at the MAFS honeymoons, Jayden proposes to Eden. I’m pretty sure his brother, Mitch, did that too back in 2022. I hope this is the only thing he copies because I’m not ready to see this kickboxer in a skivvy.
Hold the fuck on — is this shared pool they were tongue-punching at or are they producers having a lil’ jacuzzi conference in the background?
Eden has decided to tell Jayden about her dirty dog ex and ex-bestie. Good on her! I hate that it’s weirdly her dirty little secret even though she didn’t do anything wrong.
The honesty box has arrived at Lucinda and Tin Man Timothy’s MAFS honeymoon. He packs shit before asking Lucinda how “sexually adventurous” she is.
“I’m very immersed in sexual exploration,” she tells him. That’s one way to answer to the question, isn’t it.
“I host sexual tantric festivals,” she continues. Sold out events after this no doubt.
Lucinda asks if he is a “bit of a jackhammer” and consider me awake after an otherwise boring episode.
Timothy confirms he is vanilla, which I imagine means he loves missionary and no talking during hanky panky.
He asks if she’s sexually attracted to him.
“You’re scrumptious, you’re yummy, I want to be close,” she confirms.
It’s Timothy’s turn to let Lucinda know if he’s sexually attracted to her. The silence is deafening.
“Go on, say it,” she tells himhope.
“It’s not an instantaneous thing,” he responds. “It’s not there… yet.”
She’s so gorgeous — I reckon he’s just scared about a finger in the bum. Which is fine!!
She tells him she’ll be patient.
Timothy feels fucking horrible.
“I feel shit for her that she got paired up with me,” he says.
“I don’t think I’m good enough, I think she can do better.”
He breaks down telling Lucinda how alone he felt after his dad died.
“I see your little tender bits and your vulnerable bits and they are welcome here,” she tells him and it’s so fucking sweet.
“I hold the lantern of hope,” she says.
Sue me but I’m rooting for this MAFS couple, even though I know there’ll be some challenges.
Next episode we meet Lauren and our 50+ couple and wow, I’m so ready for Dick.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Follow her on Instagram.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.