Last month the New York Times ran a lengthy and very good explainer on the deeply online phenomena of the “Wife Guy”: a man who rises to internet prominence by posting weird, celebratory content about his wedded beau. In the past, that’s taken the form of the Curvy Wife Guy (the guy who created intensely weird, overly-horny gear about his thicc wife who he loves to fuck), or the Cliff Wife Guy (a man who filmed his wife taking a minor tumble off a small Hawaiian hill and dedicated an entire 20-minute vlog to life’s morbid fragility). But one example it failed to mention may well have been the Wife Guy’s first and most notable appearance. The Proto-Wife Guy, Kevin Smith. The “Clit/Brown/Taint-Area” Wife Guy.
July 10th 2019 (or July 9th in US time), marks the ten-year anniversary of Kevin Smith’s first dabble in Wife Guy-ism, via a 2009 Tweet in which he managed to pay homage to his wife’s genitals by stringing together the most off-putting series of words in the English language.
Ten years in and we bone like we're cheating on each other WITH each other. A decade-plus and her clit/brown/taint-area still pOwns my dick.
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) July 9, 2009
Uniquely disgusting, even by Twitter’s lowly standards. My god.
In intervening years, the tweet has bobbed up and down to the Bad Site’s surface like a porous turd that refuses to be fully flushed, gaining such significant space in the greater oeuvre of Kevin Smith that I remember it more readily than Jersey Girl.
Five years after posting that god awful mess of a paragraph, Smith tried to run away from his inherent Taint Wife Guy-ism by claiming the tweet was penned by the wife in question, in the process becoming a much more powerful Wife Guy than he was before.
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) July 9, 2014
Today, on the completion of the tenth year of living in a world with that god-awful tweet in it, Smith (p)owned the tweet. Not at all unlike how his wife’s clit/brown/taint-area is said to (p)own his dick.
It’s the 10 year anniversary of the 10 year anniversary! This is my Dorian Gray/Cocoon Tweet: so long as I don’t delete it, I’ll never get older and I’ll never die. (But for the curious? Her clit/brown/taint-area still pwns my dick.) https://t.co/LkPM2JAezW
— KevinSmith (@ThatKevinSmith) July 9, 2019
Like it or not, it’s a momentous day in internet history. And now you can never un-know it.
You’re all bloody welcome. Every single one of you.Image: Getty Images / Mike Windle