As if the incessant snoring wasn’t already robbing the Big Brother Housemates of sleep, episode three begins with the gang being woken up by aerobics queen Marissa’s medicine ball bouncing at the crack of dawn.
It reminds me of when I lived back home and I’d crawl into bed after a big night on the town at approximately 6:30am, only to be awoken by my dad mowing the lawn right outside by goddamn window at 7am.
The only difference is, his whole ~my house my rules~ shtick meant that I couldn’t complain. What’s your excuse, Marissa? Huh? HUH?
helllllllllll
Not much else has changed so far, otherwise. Kieran’s still trying to make amends, Daniel and Talia are still the evil overlords and Angela is still on a desperate search for tea.
Food supply is getting dangerously low and the Housemates are living off teeny tiny portions of tuna and rice which is pretty much how all millennials who live near a city survive, but keep going with your whining. It’s cute, boo.
give it up doll, there’s no tea
An ominous crane lifts a crate of four new Housemates into the complex. I’m not even kidding – they’re literally airlifted like animals into a zoo (I mean, if the elephant-sized shoe fits).
Sarah recognises one of the ladies in the animal crate from her Big Brother group interview and she describes her as “a real try-hard” and 2007 called, they want their insult back.
The four newbies claim to have been in the cage overnight which is surely an exaggeration ‘cos I don’t see that getting past the network’s HR / legal teams?
So here’s how it works: for every hour they leave the new Housemates in the crate, hovering in the air, they cop a $50 food voucher, which is sick news for everyone (especially Angela who can finally sip on that tea she’s been fanging for), but the poor bastards who are stuck hovering in the air.
After Sarah’s first ep, I thought she was a sweet, chill, down-to-earth gal but I dunno about her now, and nah it’s not just because of her gross use of ancient slang. Just the way she ran over to the others to have a bitch about the new girl, then was all “oh haiiii gurl, how you been?” It was very Mean Girls “I love your bracelet, where’d you get it.” Not impressed, Sarah.
Oh FFS, now she’s off running to Big Brother to taddle on her new Housemates. We officially have a least favourite, ladies and gents. She sounds off on Hannah, for no reason other than the fact that she’s “a try hard.” *shudders*
The Housemates debate how long they should leave the newbies in there, with the likes of Garth, Angela and Daniel are keen as mustard to leave them in there for four hours. Ian, however, absolute salt of the earth, plays devil’s advocate and tells Angela to consider how long she would want to be in there. Certainly not four fucken’ hours, I’m sure.
King shit and queen shit Daniel and Talia summon their minions into the house, away from the caged animals, to discuss how long they wanna leave them in there.
Mat, bless his heart, is the one and only person who votes to leave them in there for just one hour, which would award the household basics like tea and condiments.
it was him, let’s get him boys
Literally everyone else agrees to leave them in there for several hours so they can fill the fridge with food. Evil, but somewhat necessary I ‘spose.
While gathering around the caged new Housemates, new guy Shane points out that he’s sweating “like some kind of farm animal” and I’m glad he’s picked up on the motif.
Angry, evil little Sarah sits outside the cage, taunting the suspended Housemates with her smug little stare – I mean, she may as well be poking them with a stick. You know she wants to.
hehehehehe
When poking the bears gets too boring for her, she gathers a coupla Housemates inside and starts talking trash about Hannah, a girl she’s spent a grand total of, what, three hours with one day some months ago?
You’d think Hannah had intentionally worn the same dress as her to the Year 12 formal, hooked up with her date and planned an even better after party.
“I told her I was throwing the after party, then she goes and has one and tells people there’ll be free vodka cruisers”
An hour’s past, $50 has been won, Talia’s jeal ‘cos Daniel would rather talk to Hannah who’s suspended in midair than talk to her.
The newbies then introduce themselves: Soobong is a buff, van-living legend, Shane and Danni are both married with kiddies and Hannah is a communications worker and, get this, an AFL-player.
oh shit…
During Hannah’s intro vid, her Nonna tells her that she won’t tolerate her wearing low-cut dresses or jumping into bed with a man and Hannah proceeds to apologise for what she’s about to do on the show. Nan’s cute and all but can we not be telling a 26-year-old woman what she can and cannot wear and who she can and cannot sleep with? Ok cool, grazie.
It’s now the other Housemates’ turn to introduce themselves to their caged friends and Talia jumps in first, obvs to staunch Hannah.
She introduces herself as a “beauty queen” and just have a go at the other girls’ reactions to that:
In what world, sis?
Talia does that really annoying thing where when someone asks what age or profession you do, they make you guess ‘cos they’re just so interesting and mysterious and we should pull focus from the entire group just to discuss how spectacular and amazing you are.
Her plan backfires as Hannah guesses that she’s a stripper which is a perfectly valid and honest profession, but not the vibe queen shit was going for when trying to impress her king shit.
The group’s cruel, cold hearts begin to thaw and they agree to let the poor bastards free from their cage after a solid three hours down and $150 won.
Take note of how little miss know-it-all Sarah is lecturing them on how to use the showers, after being a Housemate for what, 24 hours?
“So the red one means hot, and the blue one means cold. Can you remember that? Want me to write it down?”
Talia’s mouthing off on Hannah, who she nicknames “Pinky”, saying that she’s gonna “try and get close to her.” Like why? ‘Cos you’ve been so fun and personable so far?
So then the groceries arrive and Angela is literally in tears over finally being able to have a tea and it’s the most wholesome television you’ll ever see.
That first sip:
haaaaaaallelujah, haaaaaaallelujah. hallelujah. hallelujah.
Today’s challenge requires paired up contestants to balance on podiums. Gruesome twosome Sarah and Talia are partnered together and with their powers of evil combined, they win the challenge and nominate Hannah (obvs), Marissa and Soobong.
Marissa, who seemed to think she was immune to the petty Mean Girls game ‘cos she’s older and sassier, tries to brush off the fact that she’s clearly upset (I mean that literally – she practically shoves Talia off her when she goes in for a hug) before walking away and declaring that the girls are “bitches” and, I mean, where’s the lie?
“don’t fucken’ touch me”
She confronts the girls and tells them she doesn’t care (read: she cares a lot) and makes Sarah cry. TBH I don’t really agree with how Marissa reacted to being nominated, but I do applaud her for ripping into the girls at the end of the ep for essentially bullying Hannah and not giving her a chance.
Also shoutout to Angela for calling Talia on her whole “oh but I didn’t get enough time to talk to them” thing. Yeah you did, mate. You’re just nasty.
In the end, Sarah starts to feel bad for throwing Hannah under the bus, which she absolutely did. Either way, that’s all for nought ‘cos Soobong is the one who’s booted out in another landslide eviction, purely because he’s pretty much a fucken’ machine and will ace all the challenges, let’s face it.
Big Brother continues this Sunday. Head here to read yesterday’s recap.
Matty Galea is the Entertainment Editor at Pedestrian. He also Tweets about pop culture and astrology and posts sarcastic, self-deprecating content on Instagram.
