Hey mates – it’s Matty, PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Entertainment Editor, picking up where the fabulous Mel left off with last night’s ep.
So in the fresh ep, we meet four new Housemates, an absolute motley crew comprising of former elite gymnast Sophie, international model Chad, fabulous human Garth and Army Cadet Sarah. They sneak into the house in the middle of the night while the other Housemates are asleep, like fucken’ serial killers.
tehehehehehe
Big Brother gives the four new Housemates the near-impossible mission of sneaking into bed without waking any of their new sleeping friends. If they win, they score a sweet roast dinner for all. If they lose, an ominous punishment will befall them.
So there they are, in the middle of the creepy lit up hall way, removing their favourite items from their suitcases as fast as possible, which has major Saw energy.
“time is ticking, chop chop”
So they sneak into the dark house, where the sound of Adam’s snores echoes through the entire premises, and OF COURSE one of them is busting for the loo (there’s always one).
calling it now: garth is gonna suck at the challenges
sarah, however? our cadet queen is gonna ace them
Model Chad has been in the house for two, three minutes, tops, and he’s already shirtless and showing off his rig. Trust. (Not complaining TBH).
The vibrancy of Chad’s tatts wakes up one of the sleeping Housemates as he and the others tried to find an empty bed.
To this day, said Housemate probably sleeps with a knife under her pillow from the trauma of Jigsaw’s Big Brother’s sick little prank.
can’t. sleep. boogeyman. will. get. me.
After fondling literally every Housemate in search of an empty bed, they finally find a room filled with glorious beds up for grabs. They sneak their shit in and dive into bed without being detected.
Ya know what that means? A divine roast is coming their way.
shotty the crackling
It’s 6am the next morning and wouldn’t ya bloody know it, Garth once again needs to use the toot so off he trots, potentially jeopardising the roast Chad’s currently dreaming about.
The stealthy bloke somehow manages to pee quickly and quietly enough to avoid being detected by Marissa who’s also gotten up early to take a wizz. Maybe he’s not so useless after all.
We’re properly introduced to Garth with a montage of of his life, where it’s revealed that he signed up to the show to make his foster son proud and ok we have a new favourite, ladies and gents.
The four intruders eventually meet their new friends and are welcomed with open arms, mostly because Big Brother informs the team that they’ve just scored a roast “with all the trimmings.”
Alexa, play ‘Heaven Is A Place On Earth’ by Belinda Carlisle
As everyone begins to mingle and Chad is pummelled with questions by his thirsty new Housemates, it’s time for Chad’s introduction vid which, of course, was filmed during a photoshoot.
He rattles off his various conquests (Vogue, GQ, Wank Weekly etc etc) and refers to himself as a “Cinderfella, model by career, tradie by heart.”
Angela vows to take teen Housemate Sarah under her wing, and becomes instant besties with the equally spicy Garth (prediction: this friendship will last a grand total of 5 minutes).
Salty-ass Daniel isn’t a fan of the new folks and heads straight to the Diary Room to have a bitch about the extra competition.
i smell a rat
So everyone’s bonding poolside and Ian treats the gang to a fun spoon song (and a very lame but very cute joke about spooning).
He then teaches Sophie to play the spoons and even lets her wear his sacred hat and in the words of Elton John and later Beyoncé, can you feel the love tonight?
Ok so suddenly it’s snowing (???), proving that Big Brother really can play God.
They prance around in the snow for a few minutes before Big Brother announces that with the snow comes a brand new challenge: they need to retrieve a flag frozen inside ice bricks using only their bodies.
After an hour of scrubbing, rubbing and clawing at the ice, Daniel has the genius idea to piss on the ice to melt it down. I shit you not, folks. An ex-AFL player pisses on an ice brick on primetime television. You truly love to see it.
we don’t actually see his d, but he makes some very alarming facial expressions
So I totally take back what I said earlier about Garth being useless ‘cos he absolutely smashed the competition (literally) and is given the opportunity to nominate three Housemates, and he chooses: Kieran, Angela (FUCKEN’ TOLD YA THAT FRIENDSHIP WAS DOOMED) and Allan.
When the Housemates find out who’s been nominated, Angela comes for Garth and gives her this whole ~you’re my fave – I’ve got your back – it’s all part of my masterplan~ spiel and she pretty much threatens to assassinate him.
i mean, fair
Before long, in an absolute tear-jerker of a moment, Angela sobs about being betrayed by her new mate, but she’s also devo that Kieran’s been put through the ringer after the rough few days he’s had. We stan an empathetic queen, my friends.
During the eviction process, Allan – the most unlikeable Housemate, IMO – votes out Kieran because “no one wants to live with him” and hello, kettle? You’re black.
In the end, both Angela and Kieran copped one nom each, while the hella cocky Allan receives 12 noms and you can just pinpoint the moment his heart breaks.
baiiiiii
A ‘yuge highlight of the ep is Allan’s angry rant on the car ride home. This is why we tune into reality TV, mates. The salty goodbyes from fame-hungry folks who were certain they were gonna win. Beautiful stuff.
Matty Galea is the Entertainment Editor at Pedestrian. He also Tweets about pop culture and astrology and posts sarcastic, self-deprecating content on Instagram.
