Folks, since the dawn of time mankind has witnessed a few true watershed moments that have changed the course of human history in an instant: The invention of the printing press, the American declaration of independence, the fall of the Berlin Wall. All of these are mere drops of piss in the vast toilet ocean of the cosmos compared to what just arrived in suburban Sydney: A Zooper Dooper Vending Machine.
This is not some sort of cruel joke, nor is it any form of flim flam or bamboozle. There exists, somewhere in this vast land, a vending machine that dispenses ice cold Zooper Doopers and nothing else.
The existence of the glorious gift from the Gods was unearthed via social media yesterday, accompanied by a photo of the magnificent creation in all its chilly splendour.
Look at it. It’s magnificent. It’s resplendent. Giver of summer life, frozen mother of us all.
The machine, according to social media reports, currently resides in the Castle Hill Metro station, nestled safely beneath the surface of the streets of outer north-western Sydney.
Better still, the price – while certainly raised from a Dooper-per-Bag point of view – remains entirely affordable for a boiling summer’s day; at a single dollar a pop, that’s gonna get the core body temp down a hell of a lot faster than any of $6 bottles of Lipton’s in the machine adjacent.
On face value, this particular invention doesn’t appear to be the product of Zooper Dooper themselves; rather the creation of either the station or the vending machine company themselves, stumbling ass-first into accidental greatness like so many revered innovators before them.
Whether this spectacular piece of ingenuity gets rolled out on a larger scale remains to be seen at this stage. But for those of you lucky enough to be traversing through Castle Hill during the death throes of this bullshit summer, salvation is finally at hand.