In a sign that the apocalypse must soon be upon us, Zooper Dooper has brought back its Zooper Dooper flavoured milk with two new flavours. How far we have strayed. But also, I really want to guzzle one as soon as humanly possible.

Last year, Zooper Dooper unleashed Pineapple, Bubblegum and Raspberry flavoured milk upon our doomed and wasted hellscape of an earth.

But in preparation for our upcoming Certified Soggy Summer, it’s promised us two equally cursed but also delicious flavours: Fairy Floss and Cola Spider.

I have many, many feelings about these two flavours. Because frankly, they are the two best. Though my esteemed colleague Michael Di Iorio disagrees with me in his Zooper Dooper flavour ranking, for those of us with a sweet tooth, Fairy Floss and Cola are unbeatable.

The people agree: Aussies voted Fairy Floss as their favourite flavour.

Zooper Dooper’s Fairy Floss milk is described as “sweet and full of joy”. This is also how I feel after eating 15 Fairy Floss Zooper Doopers.

The Cola Spider pairs “classic cola taste” with “creamy milk”. I’ll be honest: I do not want to chug this on a 40 degree day. However, I will happily pour it into a glass and sip it delicately through a straw.

I am genuinely conflicted about these beverages. Obviously, I will be purchasing one of each and sipping them delicately through the course of a barbecue.

And they look perfectly designed to be chugged after a gruelling game of Sunday morning soccer.

You know what, the more I think about it, the more I’m into it.

“Whether sipped or slurped, we know Aussies everywhere fall in love with these summer-inspired refreshments,” said Bega dairy and drinks senior brand manager Bishma Weeraman.

“We can’t wait to hear the nation’s reaction to this unique collection!”

Slurping down cola-flavoured milk? That’s my new summer past time, baby.

I’ll give it to ’em, it’s bloody audacious. And respect it I must.

In slightly less milky updates — and excellent news for my fellow Fairy Floss enjoyers — Zooper Dooper is also doing limited runs of Fairy Floss ice block 24 packs. That’s it, baby: all Fairy Floss, all the time.

Apologies to my housemates, for I will be filling our freezer chockablock full of Fairy Floss Zooper Doopers this summer. No more fighting with your cousins over who gets stuck with Blackcurrant.

You’ll be able to snag Fairy Floss milk at Woolies from October 3 and then from other shops from October 24. The packs of Fairy Floss ice blocks and Cola Spider milk will both be exclusive to Coles, and available from October 3 and 24 respectively.

Happy sucking and slurping!

Image: Supplied