It’s been a conversation I can’t seem to avoid recently. “This generation of men” – meaning Gen Z – are apparently better in bed; according to literally all of my friends, people on the internet and strangers at bars.
My experience has been a little different. I’ve mostly slept with men who are older than me, even when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I can count on one hand the times I’ve even kissed people younger than me. It hasn’t been a conscious choice, but maybe there’s a part of me that feels more comfy with people who are older.
I don’t know why. It could be the assumption that they know what they’re doing more, that they’re more comfortable in their bodies, in intimacy and in sex. It could also be that it’s where I found my rhythm in sexual empowerment (in the bedroom with older people) and so it’s a more comfortable space for me. It could be that I’ve always been attracted to that dynamic – someone who likes to take charge, someone who feels a little out-of-reach, wiser than me, authoritative in some way.
But that’s a whole other story for a whole separate article about my own personal kinks.
I’m intrigued by this trending conversational thread that younger men fuck better, because it hasn’t been my experience. The last younger man that was in my bed was 24 and felt awkward when I suggested using lube. He said he wanted to be “taught” but then didn’t take well to sexy suggestions.
The one younger guy I slept with and was super into (for a few weeks) was full of soft-boi bravado. He read his own spoken word poetry to me, bought me platters of sushi and was quite good in bed which was a relief because he was also super defensive. His confidence was a mask and his need for validation was that of someone with low emotional maturity, which I let slide because he was 22.
But maybe my experiences have just been unlucky. Because according to my friend Lauren, younger guys definitely fuck better.
“I’ve fucked a lot of younger guys – I’m talking in their early twenties – and I think generally they’re more eager to please,” she said.
“They will take time with you, spend time on foreplay, make sure you come before they ‘stick it in’ you know? Like they’re just all in it for you. Whereas guys in their 30s and over? They’ll do a little bit of foreplay and then stick it in, see what happens. It doesn’t feel like as much effort. Like they know they should so they do, but it’s kinda half-assed?”
This begs the question – do older guys just not know what they’re doing?
Remember when Liza dated Josh who was younger than her on the aptly titled series Younger? (Credit: Stan)
It’s definitely true that there is more sex positive content out there than ever before. Social media has created a space where we can talk about our sexy feelings, experiences and grievances openly, and get insight into other peoples’ too. Conversations around consent, sexual wellness, pleasure, sex toys, orgasms (and the lack thereof) are all over our newsfeeds, giving us a language to engage within, when it comes to sex. It gives us knowledge, which then gives us power and the ability to make different choices. For example, we might feel more comfortable to ask about someone’s relationship structure, gender identity and/or consent to kiss them, because we’ve got examples of how.
So then by default, it doesn’t surprise me that young people might be better at having sex. They have up-to-date content, they don’t feel awkward asking for consent, they know the importance of foreplay and the anatomy of the clitoris and therefore; they have more confidence in the bedroom.
“The best sex I’ve ever had was with Liam, who was 22 when we met,” says Lauren, of an ex.
“Even the first time we fucked – which is typically the most awkward – he just took charge and honestly? I was blown away. I remember thinking: ‘Where did he learn that at 22?’
“And since, I’ve fucked other guys under 25 and they just exceed my expectations always. Maybe it’s because I start with lower expectations, but I’m always just in awe of how they go about sex; their confidence and their focus on my pleasure first…”
The Idea Of You certainly made the case for banging younger dudes. (Credit: Amazon Prime Video)
It could be that dudes over 30 feel a bit out of the loop. Like they’re stuck back in the early ’00s, when they were in high school and being inappropriate was hot.
“The most recent older guy I dated (35) was really bad at reading my body language when it came to when I was and wasn’t interested in being intimate,” says another friend, Rom.
“He would initiate sex when it should have been obvious I wasn’t interested, and would always try and convince me to have sex when I said I didn’t want to. Then, when we were having sex, he’d often do things without asking (ie. finish in places I didn’t want him to, remove the condom without saying he was going to), which seemed like small things at the time, but would always leave me feeling uneasy afterwards. [Editor’s note: stealthing, AKA the act of removing a condom without consent, is a crime in most Australian states and territories.]
“I genuinely think he meant well – I just don’t think he knew better.”
In contrast, she recently slept with a 25-year-old and had the complete opposite experience.
“He asked me at every stage of intimacy if I was okay before doing something new, and gave me an opportunity to opt out if I wanted to. And TBH, this has been my experience with every guy under-30 that I’ve slept with.”
It could also be that men get horny over a challenge – which, in an older man’s case, is younger women or men. Can they get the most beautiful girl in the room? The hottest, most chiseled dude? And if they can, does that mean that they’ve still got ‘it’?
So then for younger men, perhaps the challenge is older women.
“Older women are hot because they know what they like,” a 22-year-old that I met at a bar, Jack, tells me. “If you can please an older woman, who is experienced and therefore more fussy in the bedroom, it’s such a win. Like you feel so sexually validated and good about yourself.”
When Lauren reflects on her relationship with Liam, she reckons this rings true.
“I got the feeling with Liam that he didn’t intend to fall in love with me. I think he was attracted to the challenge of getting me into bed and then making me feel good, that he didn’t consider the longevity of it at first. There’s an element of confidence needed to pursue a woman like that. But aren’t we all more confident when we’re younger?”
This is also true, that we have unmatched confidence when we’re younger. For me, my confidence came from a lack of experience and a willingness to experience it all, as well as an ability to bounce back. I just always thought ‘why not!?’ in situations where I was tempted by a challenge or adventure, instead of questioning ‘what if?’
Perhaps for older men – and people in general – the confidence subsides, due to aging and sexual progression.
“I’ve experienced men in their mid to late thirties with a decrease in libido and problems maintaining an erection,” says another friend, Greta, which might also explain older men’s protectiveness over their sexuality. And a lapse in confidence – which results in “more selfish sex”, according to Greta.
But even when it comes to queer relationships, according to queer friends of mine, younger men know what’s up.
“At parties and clubs and even within hook-up culture, men under 25 are way less grope-y,” my gay friend Tom says.
“Like gay men over-30 are often overtly sexual, in my experience. They’ve come out during a less open time and therefore, they celebrate their sexuality in a more intense way. Sometimes, it can come across pushy, like they’re not reading the room. Whereas, weirdly I think younger gay men are more comfy in their sexuality because it’s more accepted among their generation of peers, which means that they’re way more chill and respectful.
“In hook-ups I’ve had with younger men, they employ aftercare, they’ll follow up even if they don’t want to date and they’re better at asking about my kinks and having those conversations. Overall, I’d just say they’re more open and confident. Less to prove.”
TBH, this is all making me feel pretty positive about our sexual future. If the general consensus is that young men (and people, in general) fuck better because they’re more communicative, considerate and educated – then we must be moving in the right direction.
Although it also seems true that dating is at an all-time low, maybe young people need this time to educate each other, focus on themselves and learn boundaries and expectations, before we can all launch into another highly sexualised era. Maybe the selfishness perceived in the dating world right now, where “no one wants to commit anymore” – according to my girlfriends on the apps – is necessary in our growth as a society when it comes to sex education.
