One of the first boys I ever had a proper crush on came from a super rich family. I was 14-years-old, working in a café in the leafy suburban streets of Adelaide. His sister was my colleague, and every time he’d come in to visit her or pick her up, I’d get butterflies in my tummy. Their family was well-known in the area because his dad owned a chain of gyms and his mum was a model. They lived in a big house in the rich part of town and went to the most prestigious private school in the state. They were quintessentially rich: trim their hedges perfectly and put ice in their Chardonnay kind of rich.
It was just an innocent crush, but I did really like the way he dressed like a rowing champion and always ordered a fancy coffee order, like a flat white with skim milk or something. It’s cringe to think back on now, but I think he reminded me of a pretty Disney boy. You know, the ones that come from rich families and are doing everything their parents want but they’re unhappy? Like Zac Efron in High School Musical. Or Chad Michael-Murray in The Cinderella Story. Then, they fall in love with a creative weirdo girl who doesn’t come from money but inspires them. That was me, in my dream romance land. We kissed by his pool one day and I remember thinking that I’d love to have a boyfriend with a pool and a neat haircut and enough of an allowance to pay for our dinner dates.
But when I found out that he was also chatting up one of my best friends on MSN (even after I’d let him touch my boobs) his pretty rich-boy status didn’t afford him any allowances and I dropped him like a hot potato; crushing my own dreams in the process.
The idea of dating someone rich — or “dating up” — has become a fully fledged trend. “Ladies, it’s time to leave the broke boys and men with no direction in the dust!” says a woman in a screen recorded advert for high-end dating app Luxy, over and over again on my TikTok feed. “It’s time to date up!”
‘Dating up’ started as a positive message for modern daters – meaning to date someone you perceive to be ‘better than you’, rather than wasting time on people who don’t treat you with care. It also means to date someone stereotypically hotter than you. Really, the term simply embodies that timeless The Perks of Being a Wallflower phrase “we accept the love we think we deserve” and has brought it back to life among Gen Z-ers on TikTok.
But recently, I’ve been seeing it take on a different meaning. Now, ‘dating up’ on my feed seems only to refer to financial status. Simply; to “date up” means to date rich. Or richer than you.
I don’t know what this says about me or my algorithm, and I also don’t know how to feel about it. Personally, my romantic attraction to someone has never been fuelled by how much money they have or could potentially have, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what it would be like to date someone rich.
I’ve tried it a few times; been on dates with wealthy businessmen or young budding entrepreneurs because I was curious about what they’d be like and if I’d be into it. I also really like vintage champagne and nice shoes. So, why not? For someone who grew up without wealth, it’s a world that has always intrigued me. But I’m a writer! Not only have I chosen a career that fundamentally utilises my passion for observing subcultures, but it’s also one that doesn’t afford me the luxury to order avocado toast more than once a week. So it couldn’t hurt to date someone rich, I’ve thought – a few times, I’ll admit.
One time I dated a guy who had a wildly successful cryptocurrency start-up for a few weeks and we had a lot of fun. He took me on a date to Crown Casino and I felt like a kid in a candy store who could order whatever expensive drink she wanted regardless of the time of day. It kind of felt like being in Vegas or something – we’d get dressed up, play money games, drink expensive tequila and charm people. But it didn’t feel real. I think that’s why I couldn’t really be vulnerable with him – I wasn’t into the sex we had (because I didn’t feel connected to him) and after a while I found his feigned confidence off-putting because I could see right through it. Money was the foot he put forward in the world, and it all felt a little like a house of cards about to blow over at any moment. And I didn’t want to be there when it did.
I’ve been on dates with a few rich people since, but it’s never turned into anything. The things they could afford me – like nice champagne and shoes and travel to amazing places – didn’t feel as meaningful because it felt kind of nonchalant. In some cases, it made me feel uncomfortable and a little empty. Like, they’d buy me something nice to show me that they liked me, but then I felt pressured to like them back the same amount and sometimes I didn’t. Or we’d be drinking something amazing and they’d be like “oh whatever I do this all the time” and I wished they were freaking out with excitement with me. Or they would take me to their penthouse and show me all their expensive cars and watches like a big kid with sparkly things they’re too scared to actually use.
I came to the conclusion that dating for money wasn’t for me. I can always find ways to drink nice wine and save up for nice shoes for myself. For me, it’s more about who I’m drinking the wine with, than how much it costs or which cellar they had to dig up to find it. I’m a true romantic, who falls for people and vibes and I can’t help it. Things like financial status, job titles, house ownership or even gender don’t really come into the equation for me, when it comes to love.
And watching these money-skewed dating up videos come through my feed kind of give me the ick. It’s not because I feel judgemental of people who date with money in mind, but something about encouraging it feels icky to me.
As a society – and especially as women – we’ve spent so many hundreds of years fighting for equality in romantic relationships. To be put on bank accounts, to be allowed to be career-focused, to maybe not enjoy folding up the washing. Finally – especially in conversations on social media and online – it’s been feeling like the focus is more on happiness, love and personal fulfilment. Like we’re waking up to the fact that women don’t need to marry a man and have babies for their sole purpose to be fulfilled. It can be, if we want, but it’s a choice.
So then, to encourage young women that dating for money might be a way that they can get treated “right” in a romantic relationship, to me feels backwards. Money, as a reason to date / marry, has historically been a trap for women in heterosexual relationships. For literal centuries, men have been able to dictate what their wives are allowed to do based on the financial status and security they offer. It’s allowed men to fuck whoever they please, but given women little to no sexual liberation at all – given their role of childbirth and responsibility of carrying on a name with status. Without contraception, there was no guarantee they wouldn’t get pregnant by someone else! Without financial rights, there was no option for independently-made money! Without financial independence, security and status came before love!
Now, we have the luxury of choice. And TBH, if you choose to date someone because of their bank account, that’s totally a choice you can make. Personally, I wouldn’t judge you for it. It just begs the question that if we’ve worked so hard for independence, why give up now?
I also think – from personal experience – that if you’re looking for someone who can love and treat you “right”, you won’t find it dating up financially. A bursting bank account won’t make them reply to you, respect your unhinged opinions and bring you hydrolite when you’re hungover. I think we spend far too long imagining the perfect romance as a solo date on The Bachelor – complete with red rose adorned walkways, diamond rings and a nicely fitted suit – rather than someone with kind eyes who will show up and give you a hug when you need it.
It’s just important that we ask ourselves what we’re dating for. What kind of love life do we want? What are our priorities? In a world where the primary reason to date is love, is financial security something that we still want? Will a luxury lifestyle sustain us emotionally?
I hope these are questions that young daters ask themselves when they see these TikTok videos urging them to consider dating someone with financial status. Or maybe – if you’re curious – you should try dating for money and see how you feel. I’m a big believer in trial and error as a way of learning.
I’d just like to point out that while pretty things are fun and not stressing about money is a luxury that I often wish I put more effort into; we’re super lucky to be living in a time that allows us to choose the relationship that’s right for us. We don’t live with fierce boundaries like the women (and men) centuries before us had to, limiting our choices in sexuality, relationship structure and who / when / why we marry. The majority of us get to choose. And while that in itself can be a little overwhelming – we’re truly in an era that is spoilt for choice – let’s make sure that we’re choosing based on what we want. Not what our algorithm tells us.
Image credit: Supplied / TikTok / @alexinsummer.
