In devastating news for lovers of both aperitivo and murder, The White Lotus Season Two finale is done and dusted. Arrivederci, ciao and so on and so forth.

I have not seen the finale because I have never watched The White Lotus. It’s shocking, I know, and I must be the only person on Earth who fits in this category.

But alas, I am here to collate the thoughts, feelings and witty asides of folks who have watched the aforementioned finale.

Obviously, there will be spoilers, so do not sound off in my inbox getting aggy about the fact I have ruined the finale. Instead, I’d recommend asking yourself why you clicked on a headline hinting that people had opinions about The White Lotus Season Two finale, making a Campari soda and calming down.

On that note, let us begin the roundup.

During my travels on Twitter, where I have been harvesting people’s reactions to the finale, I learned that Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge) realised on a boat that the gays were out to kill her. She then tried to communicate this to the captain of the boat who didn’t understand English.

Her husband Greg (Jon Gries) was also somehow involved in this murder plot. No further questions at this time, just Tweets.

However, Tanya “Peppa Pig” McQuoid (yes, I have seen that zinger on TikTok) decided to take matters into her own hands and kill the gays first.

She achieved such by running around the boat going hog-wild with a gun, a moment Twitter established had stunning meme potential.

After going on a killing spree, Tanya tried to get off the boat. According to the people of Twitter, she did not do this very well.

Sadly, while trying to flee the aforementioned boat, Tanya fell over the side, hit her head on a smaller boat and died.

Twitter user Seth posted a clip of the scene and I have never scrumpt a larger scream in my entire life. The clanging noise when her head made contact with the wee boat has demolished me.

Back on shore, things were happening with Lucia (Simona Tabasco). The biggest takeaway from The White Lotus Season Two finale thus far is that she is gorgeous and serves “bob goals”.

Anyway, Lucia scammed a man named Albie (Adam DiMarco) and Twitter was going off like milk over it. Girl power, fraudulent queen, feminist icon et cetera.

Lucia’s BFFL Mia (Beatrice Grannò) got a job at The White Lotus as a pianist, despite Twitter believing she has a shocking set of pipes.

Personally, I have never heard Mia sing so I cannot vouch for her vocal abilities, but nonetheless I am happy she scored the gig.

There was also chatter of Lucia and Mia taking Valentina (Sabrina Impacciatore) to “crazy clubs” to find Miss Perfectly Tailored Pant Suits a girlfriend.

Twitter absolutely loved this. Hell, I’ve never seen The White Lotus and I adored it. I’d watch the shit out of that spin-off.

However, Twitter did not like the antics of Portia (Haley Lu Richardson), who apparently clocked that Tanya was going to be murdered by The Gays™.

Portia and Albie shared some sort of moment at the airport, which Twitter believed was akin to a clown convention. Wishing them a lifetime of happiness at Cirque du Soleil.

Twitter was obsessed with Meghann Fahy‘s acting chops in The White Lotus Season Two finale, and couldn’t get over how bloody phenomenal she was as Daphne.

Based on the internet’s reaction, it looked like Daphne was truly just living her best life even though her husband Cameron (Theo James) was being a root rat with his ginormous prosthetic cocky.

Mr Fake Penis was bonking Harper (Aubrey Plaza), who’s married to Ethan (Will Sharpe) and apparently the three of them were going balls to the wall amid the chaos.

But not our girl Daphne, who was on her #LiveLaughLove shit. Slay the house boots down.

In the end, Twitter agreed that Lucia and Mia won the show. Italian girls stay winning IMO. Never have I ever been prouder of my Calabrese roots.

However, one Twitter user believed there was an important lesson to be had in not trusting anyone you meet in Italy, except for the lesbian hotel manager.

On that note, arrivederci! I’ll be back for more clueless Twitter roundups when The White Lotus Season Three drops.

Image: The White Lotus / HBO