Nothing in this world is more unhinged than a headline from Daily Mail Australia. Unfortunately, the heated exchange between Michael Clarke and Jade Yarbrough has fueled the “news platform” with some new kind of feral energy, and they simply will not stop writing about it. Good news for us though is we get to witness some truly batshit headlines.

Now I am no stranger to writing some of the most ungodly headlines you’ve ever seen in your life, but at least I know when to put the typing fingers away and let something rest. Daily Mail Australia on the other hand is simply FROTHING Clarke and Jade Yarbrough’s public tiff like it’s the second coming of Christ. They will NOT rest.

And so I’ve decided to rank the headlines I’ve seen from them from unhinged to unhingederer. All in all, I counted a heaping 40 (FORTY) stories about the event, but I’ve selected the weirdest to comment on. Strap in, kids.

#25. Em Rusciano calls Jade Yarbrough’s expletive-filled attack at boyfriend Michael Clarke ‘iconic’ after the cricketer was accused of ‘cheating’ with P.E Nation designer Pip Edwards in wild park brawl

Em Rusciano, forever queen of getting into other people’s business. I kinda stan her for it. It is, as she would say, “iconic”.

#24. Michael Clarke’s daily radio gig won’t be ‘cancelled’ say his bosses as listeners await to hear what he’ll say about the spat that stopped Australia

Daily Mail Australia basically wrote this story twice with a different headline each time. The other one called the public argument a “wild Noosa brawl” and honestly, Shakespeare bloody wept.

I need to know why the DM is pushing for this event to be labelled as the “spat that stopped Australia”. Calm down girlies, have some chamomile.

#23. The brazen moment Michael Clarke takes girlfriend Jade Yarbrough to the same party as Pip Edwards before he was accused of ‘cheating’ with the P.E Nation designer in wild park brawl

Nothing like unearthing past events and using them to fuel current discussions. Mr Daily Mail you are truly dastardly.

#22. ABC presenter says Michael Clarke’s MELEE with Karl Stefanovic ‘isn’t news’ as he doubles down on the public broadcaster’s refusal to cover the story everyone is talking about

MELEE????? I’m crying into my journalism degree. PLEASE Daily Mail be SERIOUS.

Also kinda living for the outlet calling out other journalists for not giving a shit about this story like they do.

#21. Didn’t get much sleep? Exhausted Karl Stefanovic is called out by his Today Show co-hosts for being tired following 24 hours of chaos amid Michael Clarke park brawl saga

Not the 24 hours of chaos.

It may have been 24 hours of chaos in the Daily Mail Australia newsroom but I can assure you everyone else was just fine. Hell, Karl Stefanovic was probably less stressed.

#20. ‘Distraught and embarrassed’ Jade Yarbrough hides out at her sister Jasmine’s house after her furious row with Michael Clarke — as ‘cheating’ cricketer spends the last two days on the phone begging for forgiveness

IDK there’s just something kinda poetic about this headline. The “furious row”, the hiding in the house, the two days begging for forgiveness.

Naturally, the Daily Mail Australia has no clue if any of this happened and is going off speculation and rumour. God’s journalists, truly.

#19. From glitzy Aspen to brawling in a public park: Inside the drama-filled days leading up to Michael Clarke and Jade Yarbrough’s sensational bust-up after he ‘cheated’ with Pip Edwards

This is the only story I’m going to link out to because it is truly insane.

In this yarn, the Daily Mail Australia mapped out the entire scene of events with timestamps and pins — it looks like a goddamn criminal investigation.

#18. TikTok video starring Today show hosts Karl Stefanovic and Sarah Abo goes viral for all the wrong reasons after Karl was involved in wild park brawl with Michael Clarke and his girlfriend Jade Yarbrough

This one is batshit because the TikTok video literally has nothing to do with the fight, The Daily Mail just wanted another excuse to write about it.

#17. EXCLUSIVE: A shattered Michael Clarke ‘desperately wants Jade Yarbrough back’ and is planning a ‘grand gesture’ to try and win her heart after their public bust-up over Pip Edwards: ‘He knows he stuffed up’

The writers over at the DM were probably so stoked they got the exclusive about Clarke’s “grand gesture”.

Meanwhile, nobody else gives a shit.

#16. Karl Stefanovic seen for the first time since video emerged of his wild park scuffle with Michael Clarke over accusations cricketer cheated on his sister-in-law — and laughs when asked a VERY amusing question

Dying at them calling it a “wild park scuffle”. Stefanovic was barely even involved in the actual fight.

Also losing it at the “VERY amusing question”.

#15. How cricket legend Michael Clarke’s clash with TV star Karl Stefanovic is just his latest scandal: From ‘broken arm’ threat to England rival to locker-room bust-up, a look at one of Australia’s most controversial sportsmen

The Daily Mail Australia literally wrote this article twice. Here’s the other headline:

“Ditching his team to try to rescue his doomed romance with Lara Bingle, a dressing room fight with Simon Katich and a sick threat on the field: Michael Clarke’s long list of scandals after his wild clash with Karl Stefanovic.”

I guess they really wanted another reason to drag out this scandal????

#14. Stern-faced Karl Stefanovic ignores Michael Clarke melee on the Today show… as the explosive video leads Sunrise’s early morning news bulletin

Again with the word melee. I cannot take this anymore.

#13. Inside Michael Clarke’s explosive break-up with Lara Bingle that saw her ‘$200,000 engagement ring flushed down the toilet of their Bondi home’ — as he’s accused of cheating by girlfriend Jade Yarbrough

“12 Of Princess Diana‘s Most Stunning Dresses As Son Prince Harry Releases Tell-All Book About His Todger.”

Do you see how weird you all sound?

#12. Exhausted Karl Stefanovic arrives back in Sydney as his friendship with Michael Clarke is ‘DONE’ after wild Noosa park brawl

No babe, I’M exhausted.

#11. Why two major TV networks aren’t telling you about the biggest story in Australia: Radio silence from Nine and the ABC over Michael Clarke’s blazing row with girlfriend Jade Yarbrough

Maybe because nobody cares? This whole event is probably worth three news stories MAX.

#10. MICHAEL CLARKE’S SHIRTLESS MELTDOWN — LINE BY LINE

Now you too can reenact one of Arthur Miller‘s greatest plays.

#9. The best revenge is looking good! Michael Clarke’s ex-wife Kyly breaks her silence and shows why she is the classiest of them all

The girlbossification, yassification and slayification of a “public brawl” in Noosa (it was just a single slap) has to be something submitted to science to be studied.

But hey, at least Kyly Clarke is serving looks and eating these other girls on the runway despite her ex getting involved in a public MELEE battle. Werk queen.

#8. Jade Yarbrough enjoys a soothing yoga session hours before explosive video emerges of her slapping boyfriend Michael Clarke in the face and accusing him of cheating with ex Pip Edwards

You can’t bridge pose your way out of this one, I’m afraid.

#7. Pip Edwards is spotted enjoying an Aperol spritz at a flash Sydney restaurant before donning zany glasses and heading to Elton John’s Farewell Yellow Brick Road Tour — after cricketer Michael Clarke was accused of cheating with the P.E Nation founder

I just know the Daily Mail Australia has a gay intern hiding underneath one of the desks who sometimes comes out to write something like this.

#6. Kyle Sandilands poses the question EVERYONE wants to know about Michael Clarke’s blazing row with Jade Yarbrough and Karl Stefanovic: ‘Why?’

This is the first time in my life I agree with Kyle Sandilands.

#5. Major twist in Michael Clarke’s park brawl as it’s revealed the confrontation is being investigated by police — as the ‘thirst trap selfie’ that may have lured him to his ex Pip Edwards emerges

Ahh yes, nothing like the debaucherous WOMAN who lures the poor man into cheating.

After all, men can do no wrong. This is just science. (My science teacher now works at the Daily Mail).

#4. Is THIS the thirst trap selfie that lured Michael Clarke? Pip Edwards posted a VERY saucy photo of herself on the night the cricketer was accused of cheating on girlfriend Jade Yarbrough with the P.E Nation designer

Someone at the DM was HORNY and I do not like it.

#3. Calls for the date Michael Clarke ‘cheated’ on his girlfriend with Pip Edwards to be a national holiday after THAT wild Noosa brawl: ‘It is the most Australian day of the year’

If you see no DM articles come out this time next year, just assume they’re celebrating what they believe to be the most significant day in this country.

#2. The risk of staying friends with your exes: How Michael Clarke entered dangerous territory by keeping in touch with Pip Edwards after their split

This one sent me straight into the stratosphere.

#1. These are the subtle signs your partner is cheating on you — as Michael Clarke’s relationship blows up over affair accusations with ex Pip Edwards

And this one sent me PLUMMETING back to Earth. I’m entering a MELEE with my last two brain cells.