ENOUGH PLEASE GOD: Why Did Prince Harry Tell Us He Used His Mum’s Lip Cream On His Penis??

prince harry reveals he treated frostbite on his penis with Elizabeth Arden cream

I have learned more about Prince Harry in the last week than I learn about most people in 10 years and all of it has been against my will. Exhibit A: Harry once used his mum Princess Diana‘s lip balm-slash-cream on his peepee and it was an emotional experience. WHY DO WE KNOW THIS.

Prince Harry has really taken “tell-all memoir” literally and given us the most rancid and TMI details from his life that literally none of us asked for.

In a viral clip of the audiobook for Spare, the memoir that I wish would spare me, Harry recounted the time his penis got frostbite. Which — already I have so many questions, but I’m just gonna move on, okay?

Harry said his penis was “oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatised” when his friend suggested putting an unnamed Elizabeth Arden cream on it.

“My mum used that on her lips. You want me to put that on my todger?” he apparently told her. TODGER.

He used it anyway though, and said the smell of the mystery ointment transported him back to his childhood.

“I felt as if my mother was right there in the room.,” he recalled.

“Then I took a smidge and applied it down there.”

Someone please, for the love of god, explain why this man would — completely unprovoked and unprompted — tell the world he applied a product he associated with his mum’s lips onto his dick.

We really didn’t need to know this, we certainly didn’t ask, and even if you want to tell a funny story about getting a frozen dong, WHY link it to your mum??? STOP.

Me begging Harry to stop feeding me this bullshit.

The way not even the FBI could get this information out of me. You couldn’t even waterboard such a cursed confession from my moisturised lips. This is truly so embarrassing and Freud is rolling in his goddamn grave.

This isn’t even the worst thing Harry has assaulted our ears since the promotion of his memoir.

He gave TMI details on how he lost his virginity to an older woman in a field. She liked horses and made him feel like “a young stallion”.

Honestly the only thing going for Harry right now is that he is the least awful person from his dreadful family. That’s literally it.

Speaking of, in Spare Harry alleged his brother Prince William assaulted him, and he called Willy’s hair loss “alarming”, lol. He also blamed Will and Kate Middleton for the Nazi costume drama.

In probably one of the most fucked admissions, Harry also casually wrote about killing 25 during his time in Afghanistan, which he said he doesn’t feel bad about or regret.

In fact, he compared shooting the “enemies” to kicking pieces off a chess board. Not that I’m surprised he would dehumanise the people his ancestors spent decades pillaging and colonising but it’s still in very poor taste.

Harry, please, shut the fuck up. I’m begging you. I don’t want anymore. PLEASE.

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