The Daily Mail, an infinite source of wisdom, has decided to write, edit and publish an entire A-Z list of “things younger generation struggle to cope with”. Yes the description was worded like that. Yes, I will be going over every stupid letter.
I know that the age-old phrase goes, why give someone more attention when they’re absolutely not deserving of it, but sometimes we have to dust off the old “wtf is this”. Those times usually come around when certain publications post fkn weird and unnecessary articles, such as today.
Introducing the Daily Mail’s A-Z of woke (which I will not be linking out to), a guide for boomers to everything that the “younger generation” can’t deal with, or are trying to get cancelled. Let’s go over them, shall we?
Avocado – Our delightful writer Liz Jones reckons we all hate Avocadoes these days. Mate, they’re just fkn expensive. And the Shepard batch is fkn shit. What do you want us to do. Also why are you going to bat for an avocado? They’re ugly as hell and taste like clean dick.
Apple Pies – Jones claims that we all boycott apple pie because of its racist history. Look, we all fkn love a slice of apple pie, but if someone claims that the history of the dessert has racist origins, we’re gonna fkn listen to them instead of putting our fingers in our ears and yelling.
Breastfeeding – Ma’am nobody is going to war against breastfeeding. It’s an individuals choice whether or not they want to do it. Steady breaths, it’s okay, breastfeeding hasn’t been taken over by toxic ‘woke culture’, or whatever the fuck it is you’re afraid of.
Cooking – Have you met a young person in their 20’s living with a bunch of housemates in Sydney’s Inner West? Pretty much all of them cook for themselves, because it’s absolutely cheaper than eating out every night. Again, nobody is cancelling cooking.
Conversation – On the contrary, I’m complaining about this article to all my evil, manipulative, wicked Gen Z friends later tonight.
Doorbells – *Googles Daily Mail writers salaries and fkn sobs.*
Diffidence – Forgive me I’m still stuck on that last one. DOORBELLS? In this mini-paragraph, Jones calls the Boomer lifestyle ‘obsolete’, and it’s the only smart thing she writes in this article.
Emails – I truly wish I didn’t have to deal with emails, but alas, it’s still the most convenient form of communication for all working young people. Nobody wants PR in their Instagram DMs.
Employers – We don’t all hate our employers? Like all humans, we just hate the fkn shit ones, which unfortunately is very common in certain fields where exploiting young people and underpaying them is normalised. But hey, we’re all just a bunch of adult-hating twits, aren’t we?
Freedom of speech – “This is now banned, unless your views have been approved by the Woke Brigade,” writes Jones.
I would pay money to see the chain of interactions that would cause someone to unironically write the term woke brigade. Freedom of speech is fkn dumb if what you’re saying intentionally hurts or degrades others. Is it your forbidden opinion or just racism that is being withheld by the ‘woke brigade?’
Father’s Day – We could do with more of these, actually. Some people have hot dads and I’m tryna see something on my timeline.
Going the extra mile – Nothing is more extra than this entire article. We’re petty, and we go to lengths just to stand up for ourselves. I mean, we’ve even established a top-secret woke brigade, which takes a lot of effort to maintain y’know.
High heels – We love heels. If anything we’re trying to normalise all people being able to wear heels if they want without fear of backlash or hatred. Funny how it’s the Boomers who seem to have a problem with that, and yet they’re ‘obsolete’.
History – History is important, but most of it fkn sucks because of colonialism and genocide.
Imposter Syndrome – Please have a discussion with someone in their early 20’s working in the media. Or, y’know, anyone doing anything these days. Imposter syndrome is fkn real.
Jokes – Racist bullshit just isn’t funny, never was.
J.K. Rowling – No room for TERFs on the Ark I’m afraid. Alright woke brigade, let’s rollout.
KitKat – What on Earth?
Ladies & Gents – Not gonna engage with this one, I simply don’t have the energy. Put gendered bathroom symbols up in your house if you care so much.
Lawnmowers – Please put my head in one, thanks.
Landlines – We don’t fkn hate landlines they’re just not useful anymore. My nonna loves her landline though, and I love her for that. Caller ID is a foreign concept to her, but it’s okay because her lasagna whips, so I’m okay with introducing myself every time I call her.
Masculinity – Yeah, put it in the bin.
Motherhood – Nobody is trying to erase this word from existence. Parenthood is just as easy to say and is a catch-all term, but if someone identifies as a woman then sure, call it motherhood. See how easy that was? If we can write paragraphs about lawnmowers, we can understand this very easy concept of gender-neutral terminology that exists across all languages.
Not taking the knee – As a gay man… y’know what, never mind.
Office – Reporting from it right now.
Pronouns – He/him, thanks for asking. Be sure to ask others when you’re unsure, and respect them. It’s not that difficult.
Punctuation: Apparently we hate the ellipses?
Queen – Love that one song Bohemian Rhapsody. What on Earth are you talking about?
Quinoa – Overrated. Rising demand puts unnecessary pressure on farmers. Gets in your teeth. 0/10.
Reality – Ma’am I do not have time to talk about the multiple timelines that we of the woke brigade traverse. Reality isn’t real, you are correct. If ye seeketh more information, knock thrice on the doors of the Lakemba Red Rooster.
Statues – Bad person? Don’t celebrate them. Good person? Statue is kinda cool.
Truth – I for one love lying, do it all the fkn time, gives me a rush. All my Gen Z friends have confirmed that they never speak in truths, like some labyrinthian guardian.
Ugly – I have never heard of this word, so I can’t help you there.
Vaginas – I really don’t get Jones’ point here, so moving on.
Work Week – Would love to cancel this as soon as possible, actually. Bring on the three day weekends for all, nobody loses.
Xenophobia – Yes. Cancel it.
Yesterday – If you ponder it philosophically, yesterday cancels itself upon the arrival of today. Much to think about. Might put it on a t-shirt.
Yoghurt – Love yoghurt. It whips.
Zebra Crossings – Zebras are overrated. Where’s my giraffe crossing?