Tucking into my lunch today, a delightful salad I bought from a local café, my mouth and tastebuds were ACCOSTED by the most upsetting of discoveries. The avocado. It was rubbery. “Maybe it’s just an unripe Hass,” I told myself and went for another piece. But no, alas, it is now February, and that means it’s absolute Shepard avocado season. It’s back again, I’m so sorry to bring this news to you.

It’s the changing of the guard if you will. The perfect, colour-changing, delicious Hass avocados we love to mush over toast, craft into guacamole, and slice into salads have just about gone from supermarket fresh produce sections, and the less-good Shepard avos are here once again.

This is the worst time of the year, my friends, because Shepard avocados can straight up kiss my ass.

Where do I even begin with these terrible excuses for avocado? How about the outside. The skin.

URGH the outside is almost as bad as the inside. (Image: Harris Farm)

Shepard avocados have a shiny, glossy green skin that just makes them look fake as. They’re a lot smoother than their (heaps better) relatives, the Hass avo, and the skin doesn’t even turn a darker shade when its ripe so you don’t even know until you pick it up for a squeeze or cut into it. What’s the point of that?

Once we get over the trickery of the exterior, which exists to dupe us into thinking that they’re either glossy wax fake avocados or extremely unripe, we cut through into the (hopefully soft) interior.

YUCK LOOK AT IT (Image: Harris Farm)

Ok, one more thing on the skin before I touch on the green-and-yellow flesh here. The skin is thin. Too thin! You try and scrape the avo out with a fork/spoon/knife and nine times out of ten you end up scooping through the skin and onto your hand. It’s so dumb!

The skin needs to stay strong and supportive to act as a wee little cup for in-skin avo mashing or behave as a barrier between my hand and the knife. None of this flimsy nonsense, please. Another score for the beloved Hass.

???? WHY

Ok so the avocado flesh itself. What we love, crave, yearn for is a creamy, pastel lime green, malleable fruit that can easily be smooshed, sliced, and served cleanly. Flesh that’s workable and able to be made into chunky or smooth guacamole. That’s what I’m after.

With the Shepards, you’re stuck with a rubbery texture that has to be in the most perfect five-second window for it to actually mash without just turning into tinier and tinier cubes. Fuck to that. Fuck to the bad avocados.

And they’re this weird yellowy-green colour, almost too vibrant to look real and/or edible. What’s going on there? They look like some kind of bright yellow baby food when you finally get the hang of smushing them right, and they taste like nothing. Nada! Zilch! Zero creamy delicious flavour.

You’ve spent all that time and effort to wind up with a weird-textured, no-flavoured pile of crud.

Yeah sure, you might pose the argument that Shepard avocados don’t go brown when they’ve been cut, but my dude just bung some lemon juice and a beeswax wrap over a sliced-open Hass and you’re ship shape. I don’t trust an avocado that doesn’t oxidise as soon as you look at it.

In no way does a Shep stand up to a Hass in any regard. Get off my toast. The end.

Now, let us decompress with the best avocado-adjacent video known to mankind:

Image: Getty Images / Cultura