CONTENT WARNING: This article contains mentions of physical and sexual assault, violent misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, racism, bestiality, anti-Semitism, sexism, paedophilia, rape, drug use and child abuse.

It is no mystery that all-boys private schools are the birthplace of all villainy, disease and vitriol that this country harbours.

Over the years, we have seen some of the most insidious, ridiculous and discriminatory words and actions come from the minds of these young boys, and it is truly shocking.

Turns out if you surround a young man with privilege, money and other people just like him, he doesn’t learn how to interact with the world or with women. Who’d’ve thunk?

Because the amount of fuckery performed by private school boys was astronomical in this last year, I decided to round up everything that made headlines into a single place. Be warned though, none of it is delightful reading.

It is, however, a stark reminder that sexism, homophobia and racism are endemic in our private school systems and something needs to be done about it. These principals cannot keep apologising/redirecting blame and doing nothing.

Alright folks, here we go.

Honourable Mention — St Kevin’s, Melbourne: A blazer is burnt in protest of the school’s toxic masculinity, Nov 2021

St Kevin’s all-boys private school in Melbourne has been host to a whole smorgasbord of fuckery over the years. It’s like the hivemind for a yucky swarm of young menaces.

This one here isn’t a fucked thing at all, but was an iconic action done in protest of the school’s fuckery. For this reason, it is included as an honourable mention.

Melbourne photographer and ex-St Kevin’s student James Robinson made headlines after he broke into the high school, set fire to his old school blazer and took a photo of him making out with his partner on the lawn. Iconic.

The photograph was prompted by ex-student and footballer Jordan De Goey being arrested for allegedly assaulting a woman on a New York dancefloor and punching her male friend. Although the charge of “forcible touching” against De Goey has since been dropped, the point still stands.

“St Kevin’s is a bubble where privileged young men can rehearse oppression without consequence, before graduating with flying colours into the public,” Robinson wrote in the caption of the pic.

“A place where ‘locker room talk’ exists openly in hallways and classrooms.

“I saw revenge porn against girls from ‘sister schools’. I saw the objectifying of female teachers and the transphobic bullying of a teacher who transitioned. I saw friends make a pact of silence to protect two students who pulled a knife on a taxi driver… I saw a system designed to let young boys think they can do anything, assault anyone, and get away with it.”

Scotch College, Melbourne: New principal sacked on his first day over misconduct allegations, Jan 2022

Sure, this has nothing to do with ratty students but it’s still fucked nonetheless.

The school terminated the contract of one-day principal Matthew Leeds after damning allegations emerged from his previous place of work, Shore School in North Sydney. You know, the one that was slammed in 2020 for the crook and illegal muck-up day “Triwizard Shorenament” that Year 12s tried to have? No private school is free from the devil’s watchlist it seems.

“The allegations include matters concerning the maintenance of proper professional standards and boundaries,” an email from the school obtained by The Age read.

“I understand this news may cause some concern.

“This was an unforeseen and difficult situation to manage, involving a complex balance of well-being, rights and interests of all involved, including the whistleblower.”

Citipointe Christian College, Brisbane: School comes under fire for “inhumane” anti-LGBTQIA+ rules, Jan 2022

If there was ever an award for the most homophobic private school, Citipointe would take the cake. The cake would be rainbow, of course, just to spite them.

Yes, this school is co-ed, but it’s so fucked it had to be here.

This lovely school in Carindale notified parents that they must sign a contract agreeing that LGBTQIA+ identities are “sinful” or withdraw their children from the school. They’re so nice that they also gave parents only seven days’ notice to sign. Fun!

The contract likened same-sex relationships to paedophilia and bestiality, calling them “sinful” and “destructive to human relationships and society.”

It also asked parents to agree to an anti-abortion and anti-euthanasia stance and specified that students who are not cisgender must use “correct” pronouns, bathrooms and uniforms.

Citipointe Christian College’s principal at the time, Pastor Brian Mulheran (rest in peace — he’s not dead but dead to me) clarified that the beliefs weren’t new and upheld the school’s “Christian ethos”. He should have also clarified that he’s a [redacted for legal reasons].

For obvious reasons, the school was slammed from all angles.

Citipointe Christian College, Brisbane: School warns teachers they will be immediately fired for being gay, March 2022

Tired of being in the media’s mouth for all this “homophobia and transphobia” nonsense, the school withdrew the contract sent out to students and released a new one aimed at teachers this time. Fight fire with fire!

The employment contract obtained by The Guardian read as follows:

“It is a genuine occupational requirement of the college that the employee does not act in a way he knows, or ought reasonably to know, is contrary to the religious beliefs of the college.

“Nothing in his/her deliberate conduct should be incompatible with the intrinsic character of their position, especially, but not only, in relation to the expression of human sexuality through heterosexual, monogamous relationships, expressed intimately through marriage.

“Your failure to abide by such requirements expressed in the above clauses could constitute a breach of your employment contract and subsequent dismissal.”

This kind of discrimination is illegal, but when has the law ever stopped a private school?

Almost immediately after releasing the contract to teachers, the school said it was placing it “under review”. They knew what they were doing when they released it though. You can’t sneak homophobia in without people realising it. We might be gay but we’re not stupid.

St Kevin’s, Melbourne: Students found to have ranked teachers’ genitals on fucked lists, May 2022

Students in years seven and eight were found to have made sickening lists ranking the genitals of the female teachers and how attractive other students’ sisters were in May.

An anonymous teacher told The Herald Sun she and other female teachers “don’t feel safe walking across the schoolyard”.

“There is a great deal of disrespect for female teachers,” she said.

“The list we confiscated had a name, attribution number and rank for staff members’ pussies.

“The school is not making sure the boys are going out into the world with respect for women and the diverse world we live in.”

She also claimed young boys at the school had a reputation for “bullying” LGBTQIA+ students and treated a female guest speaker and author with disrespect.

The principal of St Kevin’s College Deborah Barker (who will reappear later in this article, of course), denied some of the allegations in a statement.

“We want to have the best and most complete cultural realignment that ultimately serves the interest of our students, staff and the broader community.

“Much work has already been done”.

Spoilers, but you’ll see later that these words meant absolutely nothing.

Knox Grammar, Sydney: Horrific videos and messages from a group chat are leaked online, Sept 2022

Knox Grammar is an all-boys private school (which is $35,000 a year) and though it may only appear on this list once, it is home to the most fucked story of them all from this last year.

Horrific and vulgar videos and messages from a group chat leaked online in September.

The cohort of Knox boys called themselves “Gang Gang” and shared anti-Semitic, racist, sexist and paedophilic messages with each other via Discord.

They also reportedly shared videos with each other that depicted child abuse, rape and physical assault.

The chat was obtained by The Daily Telegraph, which shared some of the vilest messages you will ever read with your eyes, but then went on to say that some were “so graphic” they couldn’t be published.

Makes you wonder what on Earth was left out of the article.

Scots College, Sydney: School blames Andrew Tate for appalling behaviour of private school boys, Sept 2022

After the Knox Grammar fuckery, Scots College in Sydney’s east decided to appear out of nowhere to blame Andrew Tate for young boys behaving poorly. Ahh yes, it couldn’t possibly be their all-boys “elite” school environment now, could it?

Per the Daily Telegraph, Head of Students James Bowles from Scots College sent this message to parents in the school’s newsletter:

“Parents are worried that his horrific attitude will corrupt their teenage son/s, and adolescent girls are becoming scared of their male counterparts.

“What Tate is really seeking with his online tirades is the power that comes from eliciting a reaction … this is the key concept parents should remember when managing this type of situation.”

Sure, Tate has been a colossal douche since around 2016, but he only exploded in global name recognition in 2022. So, who was to blame when Scots College admitted to a “dark culture” after young boys were receiving sexual assault complaints in 2021?

Scots College and other private schools need to do more to educate young boys instead of sending out warning letters about banned TikTokers.

Scots College, Sydney: Little goblins allegedly use counterfeit money at a local newsagency, Oct 2022

Because of the evil influence of Andrew Tate, a group of Scots College boys allegedly used counterfeit money to trick a local newsagency owner.

In a video posted to YouTube by the owner of Double Bay Newsagency, the students allegedly used four $50 notes in an attempt to get two $100 notes.

Store owner Jim Cho told the Daily Telegraph that two of the $50 notes were counterfeit.

“He gave over a lot of $50 notes and put the two fakes with two real ones altogether.

“It was too obvious, (the counterfeit note) was shorter and looked fake.”

Let us all take this moment to reflect on the fact that Scots College charges $40,000 a year. I have no idea why any student at that school would need to (allegedly) use fake money when their toilet paper is probably made of it.

After the boys allegedly attempt to use counterfeit money a second time, Cho posted the CCTV footage on YouTube, which is how he discovered the kids went to Scots College. Shocker.

Scots College Principal Ian Lambert paid Jim Cho back in full. As he should!

St Bernard’s, Melbourne: Allegations of anti-semitic behaviour and other appalling acts are made against students, Oct 2022

St Bernard’s made quite the name for themselves in the back end of 2022.

Teachers at the Catholic all-boys private school in Melbourne alleged students saluted Hitler in class, etched swastikas into whiteboards, made a young female teacher feel concerned about her personal safety and simulated anal sex while on a tram.

Every allegation was compiled into a 13-page report by the Independent Education Union, which was then leaked online.

Per The Herald Sun, the swastikas took two weeks to remove from the whiteboards.

A female teacher claimed a student allegedly told her they knew the way she walked home and where she lived. She also claimed Year nine students would “dry hump” each other in class and Year 11 students would talk openly about penis size.

“On an excursion [teacher name withheld] had a group of boys on a tram where they proceeded to sing ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ in relation to a woman,” the report claimed.

Scotch College, Melbourne: A muck-up day prank leaves a teacher with serious head injuries, Oct 2022

Scotch College student misconduct on a muck-up day left a teacher in hospital with facial injuries back in October.

A spokesman from the school told The Age that “a member of staff and a student collided in the schoolyard” after a teacher moved to stop a bunch of Year 12 students dressed in hazmat suits who were reportedly running after young students.

In a statement to the publication, Independent Education Union Victoria Secretary Deb James called the occurrence a “deliberate act of violence.”

“It seems that a teacher who took reasonable steps to protect younger students from a large group of masked senior students has as a result been hospitalised with very serious head injuries, including broken bones in his face,” she said.

And to think yearly fees here are $30,000??? For what???

St Bernard’s, Melbourne: Vile sexist and racist comments from an FB group are leaked, Nov 2022

St Bernard’s boys are addicted to fucked behaviour like gnats are addicted to my living room monstera.

Students wrote revolting posts in a Facebook group titled “Bernard’s Year 12, 2020”, which was leaked online and obtained by the Herald Sun. Messages sent to a former student at a local all-girls school by St Bernard’s boys were also leaked.

The messages included misogynistic and sexist messages and racist remarks about First Nations peoples.

There’s no way in hell I’m writing the messages out, but the Herald Sun shared a few if you’re morbidly curious.

St Kevin’s, Melbourne: Female staff submit a dossier of 60 complaints, Nov 2022

Welcome to the aforementioned later. Like clockwork, St Kevin’s managed to fuck up yet again.

A dropbox dossier of 60 complaints made by female staff at St Kevin’s alleged sexual harassment and threatening behaviour from male students and staff.

An anonymous female staff member told The Age that a former staff member “was incredibly ‘handsy’ to the point of sexual assault at times.”

“When matters were raised, nothing was done,” she said.

“There’s almost this resignation that there’s no point raising matters because nothing will happen.”

This is the third time St Kevin’s has appeared in headlines in the span of 12 months.

Deborah Parker, principal of the school (who you may remember from before) told The Age that she “emphatically rejects” the idea that anyone was afraid to speak up.

She also claimed all of the “headlines earlier this year” were “misleading, lacked context and did not accurately or fairly portray” St Kevin’s College students.

Cheder Levi Yitzchok, Melbourne: Students who were allegedly sexually abused are expelled after parents complained, Dec 2022

Several students were expelled from this Melbourne private school after parents refused to agree to keep quiet about the alleged sexual abuse of their children.

“As of Monday 5th December, your children are no longer welcome to attend the school,” principal Eliezer Kornhauser wrote in a letter sent to said parents, as seen by The Age.

The letter said the students could only be welcomed back in 2023 if the parents signed a memorandum of understanding that limited what they could say about the alleged abuse of their own kids.

“We would need to see clear evidence of a change in your mindset, leading to a very different set of behaviours on your part,” it read.

Jewish child sexual abuse advocacy group the Victorian Registration and Qualifications Authority then stepped in claiming the school was silencing potential victims of serious abuse, but Kornhauser claimed they were being “slanderous”.

Wouldn’t be the first time a principal attempted to protect their school’s image at the cost of the safety of their students. Speaking of which, let’s move on to the next one.

Waverley College, Sydney: Six students expelled after allegedly participating in a violent hazing ritual, Dec 2022

Private all-boys school Waverley College in Sydney expelled six students after allegations of a violent hazing ritual surfaced.

According to an investigation into Sydney’s Waverly College by The Daily Telegraph, up to 16 students in Year Seven were violently belted and left with welts and bruises by students in Year Nine.

Some were reportedly locked in fire hydrant cupboards, forced to lick the shoes of other students, made to bark like dogs and filmed saying things like “I’m your bitch”. It is also alleged that some students were taken into rooms where there were no CCTV cameras and had swastikas drawn onto their wrists.

One father of a Year Seven student claimed that Principal Graham Leddie reassured him the swastika drawing wasn’t anti-Semitic and expressed his wishes for the story to not become public.

“That just didn’t make sense,” he told The Daily Telegraph.

“They also said they had reached out to the Jewish community and assured them the behaviour was not racial.

“As we were leaving he also made a comment about how it would be terrible if this became public because it really was a good school.

“This isn’t something to be kept secret, it should be talked about so that we prevent it from happening again. The whole culture of cover-up is terrible.”

Interesting that the principal was so concerned about his school’s image when he should be concerned that shit like this is being fostered within this all-boys school.

Well, after all of this I think I need to lie down with a hard drink.

Enjoy the rest of your day and remember, fuck private schools forever and always.

Image: James Robinson.