Some call him Peter Dutton, Leader of the Liberal Party and some call him the Dark Lord who hath risen to rule over the Death Eaters. No matter what words you use to describe the man whose insides are dark and nasty, you have to at least admit that his words and actions sure have warranted him being compared to Voldemort.
So that got me thinking. If Dutton really was like Voldemort, he’d have seven Horcruxes, right? You know, a bunch of items that will house pieces of his soul and secure his immortality?
Bear with me, I know it’s an insane thought. But what if…
1. Scott Morrison’s Lump of Coal
Ahhh, the beloved lump of coal held by former Prime Minister Scott Morrison. It’s a no-brainer that Dutton would want to honour his predecessor — the former leader of the Liberal Party — by inserting his soul into this black rock.
It’s no secret that Morrison was a shithouse PM, but it looks like Dutton has aspirations to do even worse. Rest in RIP Liberal party, it’s going to be a while until you’re back in power.
Destroy the secret lump of coal and a piece of Dutton will die.
2. The ‘I Stopped These’ Trophy
There’s something dark-sided and treacherous about this trophy. It emanates ill intent. It is an ominous portent of the end.
The strange misplaced text, the weird murderous shape of the boat’s tip and the fact that it even exists. Everything about this must cease to exist immediately, although I fear the steps that will lead to this item’s destruction are abstract, bizarre and immoral.
3. Bronwyn Bishop’s Helicopter
Helicopter aficionado and former Speaker of the House Bronwyn Bishop experienced a swift fall from grace after her travel expenses were put on blast.
Somewhere out there is the chopper that Bronwyn used to take all of her lucrative trips across the country. Something tells me Dutton has planted his soul in that very vehicle. It could be flying over your head right now, spreading darkness across the skies and you wouldn’t even know.
4. Tony Abbott’s Onion
Truly the mark of a real villain. The Liberal Party are full of wicked plots but this moment in time really shocked the whole nation.
Why are they eating onions? What do they want with our onion skins? Get the fuck away from my garden!!!
Either way, we only saw Tony Abbott bite the onion — skin and all — once. Something tells me Dutton has the rest of that rotting vegetable hidden away somewhere.
5. Peter Dutton’s Queensland Police Uniform
Tom Riddle, I mean, Peter Dutton was in fact a police officer in Queensland at one point.
That really tells you a lot about him right there. This uniform harbours great evil. It’s seen some shit.
6. This Image
An image so beautifully unflattering that Dutton’s team immediately asked for it to be removed from Twitter.
It’s such a camp picture. Perfectly evil, gorgeous lighting. The photographer deserves a National Photographic Portrait Prize award.
Unless this image is completely removed from all corners of the internet, Dutton will live forever.
7. The Heart of Bald Hills, Queensland
Somewhere in Bald Hills, where Dutton went to school, is the last Horcrux. I am sure of this.
Perhaps it resides in the high school he went to, which has its own fucked up past that you can Google. Who knows though.
Either way, it’s pretty fkn funny that he went to school in Bald Hills given his… circumstances.
