We’re finally here! We’re in the final week of Farmer Wants A Wife and they really have just put the pedal to the metal in the drama department for the second half of this season. ‘Tis wild.

Before we get started, you know the drill: click here to refresh yourself on who the hell these people are, grab yourself a glass of chardy or a bottle of VB and let’s get recapping, baby.

farmer wants wife recap 7

We kick off with a refresher on each farmer, which promptly reminds me that none of these men are actually going to find love (except maybe Harry) and they all just need to sort their shit out.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
all hail our king

Sam is running around in the tall grass like that scene in Jurassic Park: The Lost World where the velociraptors slowly eat everyone as they walk through the grass. It brings my inner dinosaur nerd a lot of joy.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
clever girl.

Meanwhile, Nick’s bullshit faux LA accent is back with a vengeance and holy shit please won’t somebody MAKE! IT! STOP!

But over on Harry’s farm, I am delighted to inform you all that I have just learned how grapes are picked and good lord, it is not how I imagined it.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
why did i imagine them running through the vineyard picking grapes by hand?

Madison, Stacy and Harry are just playing happy families and it’s really wholesome. 10/10 would join their sister wives clan.

We then drop in to Alex’s farm, where he’s picking up the pieces of his dignity after my queen Henrietta ripped him a new one last episode for refusing to open up. Like sweetie, it’s called Farmer Wants A Wife, not Farmer Wants To Date Four Girls And Not Actually Open Up Enough To Actually Have A Deep Connection With Any Of The Girls.

farmer wants wife recap 7
reading up on how to murder your idiot husband

At this point I just want to shake Henrietta and say “YOU ARE TO STRONG FOR HIM! HE CANNOT HANDLE A WOMAN WHO WILL STAND UP FOR WHAT SHE WANTS! LEAAAAVE GIRL.” But alas, I know how reality TV works and because I don’t have a time machine I can’t stop her.

I’m fairly certain Jess is going to win his heart and honestly, I think that’s best for everyone. I think Jess is happier to tolerate his closed-off personality and will enjoy farm life. I hate to say it but I don’t think Henrietta wins. 🙁

Aaaaand we’re back on Sam’s farm and I’m still here struggling to give a shit.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
ok put your hand up if you want to marry sam

It’s a weird vibe and honestly I have no idea why he hasn’t sent the other two girls home and just lived his happily ever after with Sophie.

Omg he just had to tell the girls his Nonno died. I know my usual vibe is hating on him but this is sad and I just wanna give him a hug.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
you know what, nick? maybe YOU should calm down

Further south in Tassie, Nick asks the girls if they’ve had time to calm down, which is surefire way to get murdered, but whatever. They all go fishing to apparently “clear away the mess of last night” which is a super weird move, I don’t like it.

Naomi pulls him aside to apologise for being aggressive last night, but also sticks to her guns on not being afraid to say how she feels. I love her, but I think she’s too good for Nick. Sorry.

We pan over to Neil’s farm for a hot second to remind us that he exists, but nothing interesting happens.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
thiiiiis is how done with my shit these sheilas are

To be honest, the whole theme of this episode is just realising that none of these men (except Harry) can handle a strong woman. They all just want somebody to come in, do their washing, have a couple of kids and put up with their shit and sorry, none of these girls deserve that.

Whether you like them or not, they’re all pretty serious about wanting a healthy, happy relationship and it just sucks to see the men so incapable of handling women who aren’t going to bend over and do whatever they say.

Back on Sam’s farm, the heartbreak is far from over.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
you can just TELL she feels awful

Sophie, the only girl who is still in the running for his heart, pulls him aside to tell him she doesn’t have feelings for him.

It’s really heartbreaking and you can just tell she feels awful about it, but ultimately she made the right decision.

Seriously, why would they put this on the episode we find out about his Nonno dying? I want to make jokes about how I’ve felt about him all season but I just feel so sad for him.

farmer wants wife recap 7
if you look carefully, you can see the moment sam’s heart breaks in half.

Finally, all the couples reunite for the FWAW-equivalent of a rose ceremony, I have no idea what it’s actually called.

The guys (minus Sam) share their war stories over a beer and all seem so shocked that Harry has normal energy over on his farm.

farmer wants wife recap 7
maaaaate, what’s it like not to stick your foot in your mouth every day?

To quote Alex, “when it rains, it pours. And it flooded and I drowned.” Poetic, truthful. We love this energy.

At this point, I’m kinda sick of them all getting together and acting like the girls are crazy when actually these men just aren’t ready for serious relationships.

To be honest, I could write a whole story on all the relationship red flags I’ve seen in this season so far. It’s wild.

Oh my god.

SAM IS BACK.

FARMER RECAP: A Shock Exit & A Whole Bunch Of Shitty Behaviour That We Need To Discuss
oh shiiiiiit

He pulls the girls aside and tells them he’s leaving the competition for family reasons, which is strange considering the three girls all basically asked to leave already.

farmer wants wife recap 7
i really want to feel bad, but I can’t get over the manipulation

Now, I wasn’t going to be rude to him this episode because I can read the room but I need to TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.

The way he treated Sophie is so manipulative and gross and I just hate it. She’s clearly so upset about breaking his heart and is really, really kind about it and he guilt trips her harder than ever.

I know his Nonno just died and people process grief differently but this is really toxic and not okay, regardless of the circumstances. He’s basically guilting her and blaming her for his heartbreak, which is really, really unfair.

farmer wants wife recap 7
LOOK at how upset she is ugh

Anyways, they’re all out.

Back at the bogan rose ceremony, Henrietta pulls Harry aside (because everyone can see he’s the only sane one here) for boy advice. He gives her some tips and honestly, I just love him.

farmer wants wife recap 7
so… what’s it like not being a complete fuckboy?

Henrietta then talks to Alex and basically calls him out for everything. She still wants him but I think she’s starting to realise what she deserves. He’s a man baby and I will eat my words if they end up together.

Meanwhile, Neil tells Justine that she’s basically won the show but he’s gonna take Megan on the date out of pity at this point. It’s gross, she’s a full grown adult and deserves better than a pity date. Neil = cancelled.

Oh god, Jess interrupts Alex and Henrietta’s alone time and it’s super awkward but now they’re having a DEEP convo about her dad.

He walked out on her as a kid and suddenly it makes so much sense why she’s so serious about finding love and its a really sweet moment.

When it comes to choosing the coveted final solo date, Harry chooses Stacy, which is truly shocking because I really saw Madison taking his heart. Neil obviously gives his stupid pity date to Megan, Nick chooses Liz, which sucks but isn’t particularly surprising and Alex obviously chooses Jess.

At this point, we know Jess and Alex have the happily ever after. Even Henrietta sees it coming, but she’s super mature about it and honestly, after the shit we’ve seen on The Bachelor lately, it’s super refreshing to see a woman not feeling devalued by the fact that a man has a better connection with someone else. I simply cannot stress this enough, I love Henrietta.

My picks:

Alex: Jess.

Harry: I’m not sure if the final date means he definitely picks Stacy, but I still have a sinking feeling Madison will win.

Neil: Justine, but they’ll break up.

Nick: Liz.

Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.