A wedding event planner has just revealed the most-cooked wedding story ever, with some poor choices resulting in the bride and groom feeding cake to each other with shit-covered hands.
We’ve all been to our fair share of bonkers weddings, but this one blows them all out of the water. If you’re reading this on your lunch break or have an easily upset stomach, I recommend averting your eyes immediately. There are some graphic details below and they are truly wild.
The story begins with a wealthy Bridezilla marrying into an equally rich family. Naturally, this meant the festivities were timed to the minute, with a choreographed dance immediately followed by cake cutting.
When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. (Image: Universal)
After the bride frantically motioned for the wedding planner’s assistant to help her with a problem, things quickly got, well, messy.
“It turns out that the bride had gambled on a fart and lost in a big way. Now, the bride was wearing a huge, full ball gown, with a fitted, boned strapless top in a sort of embellished mesh. Underneath, she had a shaper garment and hoops and slips,” the wedding planner wrote on Reddit.
Seeing as the wedding was held in the family’s historic barn, the only bathrooms available were portaloos… which were near-impossible for the bride to use in her poofy dress.
It’s all smiles until you mix cocktails and health shakes. (Image: Getty)
After a 20-minute delay, the wedding planner received information that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Apparently, the bride had been using some health shakes to curb bloating issues, but they did not mix well with post-ceremony cocktails. She’d let out a cheeky fart but regretted her decision immediately.
“The substance that had come out of her body as a result defied explanation. It was slimy, oily even, with stringy bits and the consistency of hair gel. Not only had it been a rather profound accident, but the smell was unrivalled. Generally, [it was] a substance no human body should emit,” they recalled.
Did you think that was the worst part? Ha. Buckle up, buttercup, because we’re just getting started.
The latex shaper the bride wore underneath her wedding dress reached from just underneath her bra down to her thighs. It was waterproof, so after the bride fart-shitted, it filled up like a “water balloon of horror”. Except, you know, with liquid shit instead of water.
After the assistant tried to wipe up the mess pouring out of her latex shaper, the wedding planner insisted that the choreographed dance be delayed. Sadly, the bride decided that the (shit) show must go on.
Somehow, the bride’s experience sounds worse than this scene from Bridesmaids. (Image: Universal)
“The groom looked vaguely disconcerted by his new wife’s odour, but I told my assistant to distract him until they took the floor. Introductions happen, the dance starts, and we find some fresh horror.”
The wedding planner continued: “As the groom spun his bride around, hand on her waist, he squished the poo up the insides of the waist trainer, up and out the back waistband. To our horror, we watched as an oily stain spread across the mid back of the gown.”
The stain continued to spread, with the stench reaching all corners of the reception venue. The couple then fed cake to each other with “shit-stained fingers” while looking disgusted.
The poor, poor wedding planner. (Image: Universal)
In a move that was surely beyond the scope of the wedding planner’s contract, their next course of action was to create a makeshift bath out of a catering tub. They scrubbed down the sobbing, naked bride while wearing gloves and a poncho.
“The diarrhoea was everywhere, spread in a thin layer across her body. It may be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever dealt with… I threw away the waist shaper and scrubbed down the $15K wedding gown in a plastic basin,” they added.
“The groom was a sport, never directly saying anything, but [asked] if we could cancel the garter toss as he didn’t really want to go under her skirt.”
The whole saga sounds truly chaotic. If it were me, I’d lock myself in a room and never face anybody in my life, like ever again. So hey, kudos to the bride for getting back out there!
Feature image: 20th Century Fox & Universal
