How To Fake Your Way Through A Hottest 100 Convo When You Know Fuck All About Anything

It’s coming to that time of year when many get to flex their music knowledge and, for some of us, that time of year when we’re reminded how damn little we know.

I, for one, have endured many a Hottest 100 session in which I’ve only heard 13.7% of the countdown’s songs before, and have sat idly in the corner with a watermelon Cruiser, hoping that no one will blow my cover and announce to the squad that I’m an imposter. 

And you know what? I’ve had it. Representation matters, and my people (the ones who also sit in the corner with watermelon Cruiser in hand, politely yielding everyone’s music questions with ‘fuck yeah, love them’) deserve visibility.

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When I was in school, I was super ashamed of the fact that my most listened tunes were permanently situated in the global top 20 mainstream charts. I wanted so badly to pose as a sick lord for a day that I’d go along with the crowd: “OHsshhssskssk! The Flying Purple Acid Monkeys! Froth! Tune!” When a mainstream song came on and everyone had a conniption of rage, I’d secretly rejoice, before checking myself and also having a conniption of rage.

Now in my 20s, peer pressure ain’t much of a thing, but still, there will be times when I get caught in conversation with a music fanatic about the Hottest 100 and they assume that I know shit and the conversation gets too deep and I panic and go along with it because I have a fear of letting people down. Lol.

Don’t know BENEE from Britney Spears? Lime Cordiale from Lizzo? Welcome. Firstly, you are loved. Secondly, here are some tips to fake your way through a conversation on Hottest 100 day.

1. Aggressively agree with them

This can usually be achieved by cutting them off mid-sentence with “hahaha fuck yeah, yeah love them, yeah, yeah, sick, yeah.” Almost drown them out with nods and polite laughs and yeses. Then mid-aggressive-agreement, say you need to poop. Run. Run away.

2. Drink

3. Yell “SHOEY”

And watch as the entire squad starts to engage in shoey-related activities. More distraction.

4. Drink again

5. Answer every person’s opinion with “tea”

Did they reckon that tune should’ve been higher? Tea. The countdown isn’t as good as it used to be? Tea. They might have chlamydia? Tea.

6. If “tea” starts to run dry, answer every question with “Dance Monkey”

“What do you reckon about the countdown so far?” Dance Monkey. “Why hasn’t Skegss come on yet?” Dance Monkey. “What are your plans for tonight?” Dance Monkey.

7. Congratulate them on their profound knowledge of tunes

Stroke the ego. Everybody needs some lovin’.

8. Talk about how the weather’s produced (or not produced) the goods

9. Blame the booze

If you fuck up and blow your cover (ie. You say ‘I love her’ and they’re all like, ‘it’s a band, you fuckhead’), blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol: “Damn, this booze got me mad turnt. Day drinking be tight.”

10. Cry in the bathrooms.

Then whip out your earphones, sit on the toot and let Selena Gomez‘s new bops soothe your pop-craving heart.

Godspeed, fellow beautiful human. And remember, in the words of Ms Gaga, “There can be 100 songs in the countdown, and 99 don’t speak to you… but one will.”

Have a blessed day filled with watermelon Cruisers and deception. Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait… ’til next year’s countdown.