After years upon years of hearing “winter is coming”, well mates it’s finally bloody here. Not the season, but the show. Game Of Thrones. Season 8, to be precise. The very exciting last season that we’ve been patiently waiting for since 2017.

The show premiered today and honestly, imagine the lives of those people who have defiantly refused to watch it for all this time. They’re not going to hear about anything else for literal months. And I don’t even feel bad! It’s a social phenomenon guys, just bloody watch it?

Anyway, over here at PEDESTRIAN.TV we’re going to be writing a lot about it, and me (Josie, Head of Editorial) and Mel (Senior Style/Features Editor) will be recapping it because we won’t shut up ever, so why not channel that into our work.

So let’s kick things off with the big return to Westeros, diving in dick-first with the enthusiasm of Bronn when he spots the local brothel.

JOSIE: Here we are for another episode of Bachelor In Paradise! I see the weather has really turned in Fiji… lol jokes we’re in Winterfell, obviously. I have to say as someone who didn’t rewatch anything and my last experience of GoT was 185 years ago when S7 aired, it took me only a couple of mins to get my bearings. Clearly, this was Daenerys‘ (Emilia Clarke) big debut up North after Jon (Kit Harington) bent the knee (and other body parts) to her last season.

MEL: I have to say that was a brilliant way to start the final season we’ve waited 84 years for. Someone said on Facebook today that it was 660 days or something? Outrageous.

us waiting for this fucking show to return

But this show could (and did) do it. I loved seeing everyone march into Winterfell – and see Arya (Maisie Williams) reacting to The Hound (Rory McCann), Gendry (Joe Dempsie), Jon, Daenerys. Really, at this point we are all so invested in these characters and seeing them walk in united was a fucking mood. In saying that – guys, the White Walkers have broken through the Wall, just a thought – maybe enough processioning and some more prepping for battle.

JOSIE: YES, can I just say literally the first note I made while watching was how about the face on Arya when she saw Gendry! I feel weird willing them to bang because are they 12? But also in a very real way, please for the love of all that is good and holy, get your leg over, please.

when you’ve been busy murdering everyone but then u remember BOYS EXIST

And I agree, there really was a lot of very extended pomp and circumstance considering there’s a very pressing issue concerning an army of undead people and a fucken undead DRAGON about to swarm you. Speaking of dragons, everyone in Winterfell was pretty shook by them. Even Arya stopped mentally undressing Gendry long enough to be in awe of them.

MEL: I feel the flirty vibes from Arya but even though she must be at least 15/16 now she still seems naive, her flirting with Gendry was me at the Year 10 formal asking the guitarist in the local band that played if he would sign my water bottle.

JOSIE: I ship it, and I ship it hard.

MEL: Meanwhile, the dragons – they have gotten QUITE large and portly since we last saw them, right? Like I know Sansa (Sophie Turner) was concerned about the Unsullied, Dothraki, “The Lannister’s” (lol let’s get to that later) and all the Northern armies descending on Winterfell when they have 0.002 sauso sangas to go around, but mate I think those dragons have been hoovering up plenty of deer on their journey North, just saying.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
hey Drogon does my butt look big in this dingy Winterfell sky

Speaking of the dragons let’s briefly jump ahead because FUCKING YEAHHHH WE GOT TO SEE JON SNOW RIDE ONE! Ride that fiery boi you big King of the Seven Kingdoms!

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“I’d rather ride you Dany lololol”

Also has he got some thing with fucking in waterfall caves? I think he does. Anyway that was a fantastic scene that also looked exceptionally expensive to film. Also how’s how they were about to head to Bonetown in front of Daenerys’ kids aka the dragons? That was fucking awkward.

stop looking at me you big scaly perv

JOSIE: Yessss I know I squealed when he got on top of that dragon. If there’s two things I wanted him to ride in this episode it was a) dragons and b) Dany. Sorry Dany but you come second here! It was a really cool scene but yes a part of me wanted bulk cave sex, am I wrong to crave that. I feel like the dragons were very judgey of the accidental incest unfolding before them.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
really? right in front of my deer salad?

Meanwhile, on the topic of Sansa being all stressed about groceries, she also seemed quite stressed about Daenerys, didn’t she? Like fuck, Sansa, Arya and even that delightfully sassy 3-year-old Lyanna Mormont (Bella Ramsey) weren’t very sold on Jon’s new hot blonde gf. The whole episode played out like a very awkward “girl meets the family and friends and keeps pissing them off” scenario. Even with Sam (John Bradley) later on: “Oh, hi, Sam is it? Sorry doll, I actually executed your family. Anyway, so nice to meet youuuuu!”

MEL: Omggg that Sam scene was too much for me. Also, controversial but I just don’t care. His dad was a piece of shit racist bigot and his brother was a weak idiot. Sam! Who cares! Now you don’t have to get in trouble for sword theft.

JOSIE: I know! At first I was like “….Is he happy?” but then it appeared Sam was actually sad. Oh well! Sam, you don’t need your dad and brother bringing you down, you should be fucking grateful, really.

MEL: And back to Sansa, she is not sold on Dany. When Dany introduced herself, Sansa’s face was like “yeah whatever bitch I can already sense you and my brother are fucking, don’t pretend you’re here on business baby.”

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
oh please I can smell the creepy aunt ALL over you

Also, I can’t imagine the Northerners will even come around to her if she marries Jon, which is what Davos (Liam Cunningham) was suggesting to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) and Varys (Conleth Hill).

JOSIE: Can we talk about how Cersei’s Hand (what even is that bloke’s name I have forgotten since the show last aired in 1956) was like “I have terrible news, the dead have broken through the Wall”. He said it with about as much urgency as I say to you “Mel I have terrible news, I can’t play netball tomorrow night so you’ll have to fill wing defence”. He was so casual about it? Turns out she didn’t give a fuck anyway though because she’s Cersei (Lena Headey) and always has nefarious wine-fuelled plans on the boil.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
“just thought I should flag that the world is going to end in 0.5 seconds, don’t stress tho”

MEL: Cersei has changed from only giving a shit about her family and her power, to literally only caring about power. Right? I can’t believe she’s ordered Bronn (Jerome Flynn) to kill Tyrion AND Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). Unbelievable areas.

JOSIE: I KNOW! Poor Bronn, he’s definitely mates with Tyrion, and is a frenemies with Jaime. So this is a big ask for him. I personally don’t think he’ll do it because he’s too good a person. Even for a common hitman.

MEL: Also cannot believe she boned the second most friend-zoned human in Westeros, Euron Greyjoy (Pilou Asbæk). She went from looking like she had poo under her nose whenever he spoke to her, to getting freaky. She’s really committed to this alliance, clearly. Even if he… isn’t.

JOSIE: I thought it was hysterical how horny the Creepy Seafaring Man (as I had called Euron in my notes because I forgot his name) was for her and she was only horny for elephants. Even after she let him get his leg over, she was still on about those elephants.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
when you want elephants and all you get is Creepy Seafaring Dick

MEL: Also – has she got a baby going on to Jaime or not? There’s theories all over the shop that she faked the pregnancy but I reckon it was legit and she’s trying to pass it off as Euron’s now. Gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do.

JOSIE: Yeah he definitely whispered something about putting a “Prince” in her “belly” but honestly I was still laughing about the elephants and didn’t hear it. She must be trying to pass off her latest Incest Baby as a Creepy Seafaring Baby instead.

MEL: Speaking of those mouldy water folks, Theon (Alfie Allen) rescuing Yara (Gemma Whelan) was phenom. Loved how she headbutted him and all was forgiven. True sibling bullshit right there.

me, greeting my brother on christmas day

JOSIE: So Theon talks now! Wasn’t he still not speaking last season? That was a nice change. I loved how he’s like “Sis you are my queen I’ll go wherever you want to go!” and she’s like “Yeah but you want to go to Winterfell, don’t you” and he’s like “…Yeah kinda, is that cool?”. Some classic sibling manipulation there too.

Brief interlude to Bronn and his lady friends in the token sexy scene, I wasn’t quite prepared for a full-screen female butthole at 11.30am but I guess we are watching GoT here so I should have been half-expecting at least one?

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
and now back to our regular horny programming

Did you hear what the girls said about Ed Sheeran‘s character meeting a fiery end? Hahahahaaaaa.

MEL: Hahahaha I missed that!! I didn’t realise it was about Ed Sheeran’s character, amazing. Also how one of the girls hit on Cersei’s Hand, and he’s like “poor girl, she’ll die of the pox within the year”. Classic burn from old crusty doc guy. Shall we go back north? I still can’t get over Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright) The Three Eyed Raven. He’s like that weird cousin you have who joined a cult and now only speaks in inspirational quotes and riddles.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
“time is a flat circle etc”

JOSIE: He’s absolutely that awkward cousin that you cannot find common ground with even though you have tried for all 33 years of your life. Like, Jon was trying to be warm and fuzzy and reunite with him and he’s all like “I’m not quite a man” or whatever. Take the weirdness down several notches, Bran!

MEL: Yeah and when everyone’s having a nice reunion and Bran wheels in and is all “the White Walkers have broken through the wall”. What a Debbie Downer! Although very correct can everyone fucking shut up about Lords and Kings and just get to making those dragonglass axes with Gendry? He’s doing the Lord’s work, literally.

JOSIE: I know how’s poor Gendry toiling away and Arya comes in all coquettishly using him to make some weapon of mass destruction for her. Though I cannot wait to see who she slaughters with it. I’m guessing she has her eye on Cersei!

It was nice to see Lord Friend Zone (Iain Glen) again, all shiny and fresh and greyscale free. Still a very pointless human since Dany will never bang him, but good to see him all the same.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
no matter how close you lurk behind her, it ain’t gonna happen mate

MEL: Yeah, Lord Friend Zone is looking nice and healthy. As is The Hound, I loved his interaction with Arya. What even is their relationship at this point. Enemy? Estranged father figure?

JOSIE: I think they pretend to hate each other but are secretly rather fond of each other as reluctant pals. I always thought they’d make for a great zesty spin-off show where they just traverse the lands bantering and occasionally sticking large weapons through their enemies’ eye sockets. I’d watch the shit out of it.

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“wanna kill some c*nts”
Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
“obviously yes”

MEL: I would absolutely watch that spin off. It definitely has some bumbling goofy intro music teamed with them spearing out bad guys’ guts and trotting along on horses.

So I think we’ve made it to THE three big events of this episode – Jon finding out he’s Aegon Targaryen and the rightful heir to the throne (o shit), my fave Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) and his gang finding that fucked uppp human-made White Walker symbol, and Jaime making it to Winterfell. HOO. BOY.

JOSIE: Shiiitttt okay so let’s start with Jon. So immediately after Jon’s new gf Dany drops the bomb about killing Sam’s fam, he runs off to Bran who is like “Dude I am NOT telling him, you have to do it! He’s not my fucken brother, he’s YOUR mate?!” and Sam’s like “Ugh fine” and then honestly I cringed into oblivion when Sam told Jon.

when you find out you’ve been bumping uglies with your hot aunt

But Jon seemed less disgusted that he’d been sexing his aunt and more concerned that she’d be all threatened by him being the King, did you feel that?

MEL: I absolutely did. I think Jon’s biggest fear is that Daenerys is going to flip her lid when he tells her he’s the heir to the throne, not her. And he’s not really one for verbal confrontation so he’d be shitting bricks about having to even do that. BUT he’s also all about what’s “right” and shit so he’s absolutely going to claim King, even if it’s reluctantly.

JOSIE: Yes, Jon is so fucken righteous, if he wasn’t such a babe it would be a huge boner kill. He’ll absolutely do the right thing and be the rightful King and then it’s going to create HUGE issues in their relationship. And he thought his two salty sisters would be his biggest drama, lol. Part of me did want a “OMG GROSS SAM, I FUCKED HER” moment but it was all ~political~ instead. Dammit.

Now onto that weird deserted castle (?) or whatever the fuck it was that Tormund and co were checking out. It was so goddamn dark in there I was already creeped out and worried for Tormund, who is fabulous. And then they see that fricken dead KID on the wall. I screamed louder than it did and had to apologise to the people in the next meeting room.

Game Of Thrones Episode 1 Recap
weird decorating flex but okay

MEL: I screamed so loud I think the hotel staff at the place I’m staying thought I was being murdered. Fucking TERRIFYING when the kid came (dead)alive and screeched into oblivion. Also sorry the usual wights were never that loud and obnoxious, he was going for maximum attention there. Clearly the White Walkers also don’t mind a bit of a time-waste, except instead of a procession it’s cutting limbs off and nailing dead kids to walls in scary patterns. That’s the White Walker insignia right? I can’t remember. It definitely is something significant to them.

JOSIE: At first I thought it was the Octopus insignia of the the Creepy Seafaring Family, but it absolutely wasn’t. Whatever it was, it and that horrendous screech were fucken terrifying and I need to bleach my memory so I can sleep tonight. Speaking of screaming, did I scream when Jaime Lannister came face-to-fucken-face with the kid he pushed outta the window in the very first bloody episode? YES I DID.

when you realise the kid you tried to kill is now a grown-ass cult member

I don’t want to sound like some Film Studies 101 wanker, but there was something so clever about concluding the first episode of the last season with that moment. Such a genius nod to the way the very first episode ended.

MEL: Extremely genius. Although we know Bran is now Weird Hippie Cousin so it’s likely he’s just all “that was not me, I am no longer Bran and it therefore does not matter”. Orrr will he pretend to be cool with Jaime and then sic his raven posse on him at a crucial hour? Classic Bran stitch up!

JOSIE: I dunno, he looked pretty pissed off. I’m voting raven posse and that they will pick at Jaime’s handsome face until he’s just a skull!

MEL: Anyway I will now be counting down the hours til episode 2, especially because I need to see Tyrion and Jaime reunite like I need a Valium after seeing that scary screaming wight-child!

For more of Mel and Josie, check out our Bachelor in Paradise recaps and our true crime podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour!

Image: HBO