After last night’s far more sobering drama featuring Alex Nation & Richie Strahan’s super sad convo, Bachelor In Paradise went full spice for episode 3, sending Alex and Bill on a double date and revealing Paddy’s true demon self. God, that guy sucks.

As always, me (Mel, Senior Style and Features Editor) and Josie, Head of Editorial are here to recap the show that’s filthier than the mud-sand these people trudge through daily. Here we damn go!

MEL: So let’s just start with Cat walking out – I know it’s totally a bullshit move and piss-weak at best but also, SAME. Like why wait to get publicly rejected when you can walk out on your own volition and then tell yourself for the rest of your life that you “chose” to leave right?

JOSIE: A million percent. Like, I have my own thoughts and feels about Cat as a person, but if I was in that same position I would absolutely, totally, have stormed out. I’m a stormer! I storm! Always have. Meanwhile, her storm out gave us a real gift: the first outing of Paddy‘s slapped face aesthetic.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
Thhhhhhhwack!

MEL: Oh. My. God. Fuck the fact that Vanessa Sunshine left (RIP), let’s just jump into what a c*nt Paddy fucken is. SORRY but that was a necessary Bad Swear. The guy is fucking psychopathic. Actually no he’s not, he’s just a total dick, there’s no brain-issues there he is just a selfish manipulating piece of shit. I wasn’t fully vibing Alisha‘s tanty about Cat leaving and she had no right to blame Nathan but she apologised and he was hundooooo just using her tiny error of judgement as an excuse to dump her.

JOSIE: It was fucken so infuriating. He is absolutely the kind of dude who makes me never want to date anyone again. Be a man and admit you don’t like Alisha and you’ve got a boner for Brooke. DO NOT use her tantrum at Nathan as the catalyst for your “breakup”? It has nothing to do with you? Even Nathan was just mildly annoyed and then moved on with his life and they were fine after. Then Paddy just sits there blasting her, not even letting her speak. My god, nothing has made me so mad ever.

MEL: This is my issue with dating culture – no one says what they’re really feeling they just find excuses to dump someone. And like YES it’s hard to say “sorry I’m not feeling this anymore” to someone else but also it is far worse to make them out to be this psychotic menace when they did nothing wrong, actually. Anyway – mood that Alisha was just like “thank u, next”.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
Champagne + Activewear = A Mood.

JOSIE: Meanwhile were James and Alex drifting to Australia on that paddleboard? I was briefly concerned for their safety.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
oh well this is our life now, RIP land

MEL: I was concerned for their health (because that water looks like bog water) as well as their safety. I loooooove Jimmy. He’s my #1 on this godforsaken island at this point. He’s sweet, mature, and warm-faced. But you could tell from the get-go that Alex was friend vibes only with him. You know who isn’t friend vibes? Cass with Richie. Fuck me mate, her heart is so on her sleeve it basically falls into everyone’s drinks.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
no no no no no no no STOP CASS STOP DREAMING OF YOUR FANTASY WEDDING

JOSIE: I knowwwwww my heart hurts because I a) love Jimmy but can tell every bloody girl here is just friend-zoning him into oblivion and b) think Cass is so pure and do not want anyone to hurt her ever again. Maybe by some stroke of luck they’ll end up on a very producer set up date and fall in love and become an odd couple.

MEL: Oh my goddddd heavenly match! Jimmy would never hurt Cass’s extremely exposed heart. But also in a very real way, Cass please burn this outfit. It looks like that weird netting they put around oranges at the fruit and veg shop, but in black.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
my ass is a citrus fruit

MEL: Anyway I loved that little zesty game where they told everyone who wanted to meet Bill/Brooke. It was super cute.

JOSIE: I loved how Alisha and Brooke were trying to just pretend they hadn’t answered Bill and Osh called them out on it. Lol forever. Meanwhile that sludge date looked… bacterial.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
I know the locals told us not to swim here beb but I’m a lifesaver we’re all g

MEL: You could not pay me enough money to be jettisoned off a large colourful slug into that ebola-ridden murk.

MEL: Oh, you mean… like this?

ImageJOSIE: Poor Alex got so much airtime. She was so freaked out afterwards. I fucken KNEW Brooke would do a neat Olympic-Brownlow-Grand Slam medal winning graceful dive. Because * SPORTS *.

ImageMEL: That wasn’t a date it was a gauntlet. Also, do you get zero romance vibes between Brooke and Alex? I felt like Alex’s call of “we’re shy around each other” was her in denial that there’s no spark at all.

JOSIE: Absolutely yes. As much as I did ship them because they’re both cute and nice, there’s absolutely zero chemistry so far. And that’s fine! I don’t want them to force it just for the bisexual sexy sax music.

MEL: Right?? I liked that they genuinely WERE interested in one another to a degree but IRL it seems like there’s no real click with them. And that’s fine! Just as long as this show doesn’t keep sexy-lesbian-saxing them until kingdom come. Meanwhile RIP Nathan, who went underwater to play silly buggers with Brooke and now has Ebola.

JOSIE: And then was forced to go and lie in the dirt for his date. Let’s hope he got some important life-saving medicines after the cameras stopped rolling.

MEL: Meanwhile Paddy is still being The Worst, going around to every goddamn human being to talk shit about Alisha when… NO ONE CARES, INCLUDING ALISHA.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
just go back to being hit in the face with old mackerels mate

JOSIE: My favourite thing was Rachael I’m 34 telling him to “let it go”. Doll, when Rach’s telling you you’ve gone to far you need to dial it back several hundred notches. So we’ve got some connections forming, to briefly run through: Alisha likes Jules (cop that Paddy you twat).

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
If this isn’t a fucken mood what is

JOSIE: Alex likes Bill, Bill likes Alex, Brooke likes Nathan, Shannon likes Connor. But Rachael still likes Bill and James still likes Alex…

MEL: And then Alex…. kissed Bill! That was fun and spicy. I kind of liked them until Bill totally lied to Rachael – what is with all of these dudes and not being honest? I know it’s hard mate but just say “look I’m into Alex sorry” and be done with it, don’t lead the poor woman on. Even though Rachael defffff needs to book in to see a life coach when she gets home, she really can’t help it with the deep, unhinged intensity can she.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
brief segue to see Paddy being struck by a mackerel
‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
this recap needs more Paddy-being-struck-by-mackerel

JOSIE: I know… part of it is their emotional age being approximately 6 and a half years old. But also I think part of it is definitely strategic and, like, trying to stay in the game. Because the girls have the power at the next rose ceremony, so Bill’s keeping his options open. But speaking of people not leading people on, we need to talk about Brooke’s just excellent smackdown of Paddy. I really respect that she tried to be polite and not hurtful at first but the bloke was JUST NOT GETTING IT.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
Sorry there’s just far too many good ones

MEL: Oh my goddddd when he cornered her in the cold, wet midnight hours while she was freezing to death and just wouldn’t take no for an answer I wanted to… well, smack him with an old mackerel. The man is truly Theeeee Worrrrst. He’s every guy in every club who hits on you, and you politely decline the advances, and then he continues to grind his dick on your hip even thought you’re shuffling away at a rapid pace. You can only get rid of those guys by giving it to them verbally, which is exactly what Brooke did the next day.

‘BACHIE’ RECAP: Paddy Constantly Looks Like He’s Been Slapped With An Old Mackerel
YOU’RE SENDING MIXED MESSAGES WITH THAT COMPLETELY DISINTERESTED BODY LANGUAGE YOU’VE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME

MEL: Like seriously, here’s some of Brooke’s very blunt “NO” lines to Paddy that I wrote down:

“Yeah but I just want to go get changed”

“That’s why I’ve tried to avoid you”

“If I really liked you, I’d spend time with you”

JOSIE: She was just over it by that point. He was honestly sounding like the most deluded human being in history. not sure if it’s editing but we have seen zero interaction between Brooke and Paddy, she’s not like a super flirty person but we’ve seen her mostly chat with American Alex and Nathan. And he kept being like “You’re keen on me but now you’re keen on someone else mate”. Um hi, welcome to Hypocrite Town doll, population you. You did this EXACT same thing to Alisha. I love that Brooke was just like “fuck politeness”, got the fuck up from her seat and said “leave me alone”. What a vibe.

MEL: I can’t believe he tried to use “you’ve been sending mixed messages”. That was actually unhinged and to be honest, gaslighting behaviour. But Brooke wasn’t having a bar of it and I was squealing in delight. Here’s hoping at the rose ceremony next week, Paddy gets his ass booted.

Want more Mel and Josie? They do a true crime and mystery podcast together, All Aussie Mystery Hour.

Image: Network Ten