Oh no no no no no. We caught a glimpse of the bride in the original Bachelor promo, but here’s her full 20 seconds of fame, and folks, it sure is something.
The bride’s got a train and veil, a full bouquet of red roses and a maid of honour, in a sash, with a basket of rose petals – and she’s dressed in the kind of colour you reserve for your greatest frenemy: shiny orange.
Bachelor Matt Agnew is all like, “What?” because you know, turning up in a bride’s dress is a strong statement. I want to call it an empowered statement – like we know all these girls have to turn up with a bit, “make an impression“, whatever, and this is certainly an unforgettable move.
But if I turned up to a first date in a full wedding outfit, it would be, to put it delicately, coming on strong. The kindest word for it is presumptuous. It would almost certainly make a bloke in the inner west of Sydney run screaming, saying they prefer “chill” girls.
It’s a weirdly Muriel’s Wedding move, really, you know where she’s always going into shops and trying on fantasy wedding dresses. And we’ve all been tempted, we’ve all thought about going in there and buying one and just keeping it for later. Is this one of those dresses? Did the bride go into a store, have some champagne and say she needed a wedding dress as a Bachie gimmick? Did someone from production get it for her? Is it from Vinnie’s?
Agnew is too polite/knows he is on TV, so barrelling headfirst into a fuckboi grey area is probably unwise. He just has a grin on his big beautiful astrophysicist face, bracing himself for the worst, even as the contestant’s mate sings ‘Here Comes the Bride‘.
This mate is a saint. She is owed a massive favour. I need to know what happens to her once the bride is in the mansion. Does she just go hang out with Osher for the entirety of the season? Will she need to call an Uber?
“I’m definitely not afraid of commitment, but I feel this is moving pretty quick!,” Agnew tells the camera, beaming through his discomfort.
Get set for a wild-ass season, folks.Image: Channel 10