So we have our Bachelor for 2019, Matthew Agnew, and he’s a sexy astrophysicist who’s made us all very horny for space. Now we get to meet the first four women who’ll be competing in a healthy and respectful way for his affections in order to keep us distracted from the unending drudgery of our daily lives and the immutable doom of climate crisis that is rushing up to meet us. Hooray! Romance!!

What do we know about them? Hardly anything really, aside from first names, ages, and cities of origin, which I will dispense now along with some facts that may or may not be completely made up:

abbie the bachelor

Helena, 25, Western Australia

FUN FACT: Helena spent her childhood years learning to speak to crows. She now commands a corvid army who she’s promised she will set upon Matthew Agnew should he spurn her.

kristen the bachelor

Kristen, 24, Queensland

HOT TIP: Don’t mention the war around Kristen! Thanks to a hypnotism mishap, she’ll transform into a fully functioning WWI tank if she hears the words “Franz Ferdinand“.

sogand the bachelor

Sogand, 30, New South Wales

FACTOID: Sogand once memorised the entire 1978 edition of the Encylopaedia Brittanica after being left in a library overnight as an undergraduate!

abbie the bachelor

Abbie, 23, Queensland

SPOILER ALERT: Abbie is actually… a bee! Watch out, Matthew! She’s after your royal jelly!!!

If the trailer featuring these first four is anything to go by – WHO WILL SPEAK HIS LANGUAGE?? (hint: his language is English and they all speak it) – we’re in for a 2019 Bachie season just as beige, bedazzling and batshit cuckoo as what we’ve become used to. Bring it on, baby!

Source: PopSugar