So Zac Efron reportedly has designs on making his recent Australia stay a little more permanent, if you’ll believe what the various muck rags are currently saying.
Speculation is currently rampant that Efron, said to have been living in Byron Bay since July, is not only in the market for property in the area, but no-showed a previously-planned flight home at some point last week.
If that speculation proves true, Efron would be the largest American acquisition for Australia since Ben Simmons’ 2018 NBA Rookie of the Year trophy.
It remains unclear at this stage whether Efron will be exercising his rights as a free agent, or whether American list management officials will be seeking assets in return for Efron’s services in Byron Bay (chiefly: kicking back, hanging loose, and staying chill, of which he rates as a 5-star recruit in all fields).
Australia is a notoriously difficult country to negotiate with as far as trades go; roster slots are often filled with unusual personnel that opposing nations frequently underrate. But were a blockbuster trade sought for Efron, there a number of scenarios in which Australia could feasibly come to the table and satisfy what will likely be massive US demands.
Here, in PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Trade Central, our experts have cobbled together five possible trade scenarios that theoretically get this game-changing deal done.
TRADE #1
AUSTRALIA RECEIVES
- Zac Efron
AMERICA RECEIVES
- Chris Hemsworth
- Cash Considerations
ANALYSIS
As close to a straight player-for-player trade as this will ever get, Australia receives Efron in exchange for the towering lead-Hemsworth approaching the twilight of his prime. With precious few Marvel movies left in him, Hemsworth’s pulling power isn’t what it once was. Cash kickbacks bundled in from the Australian contingent should be enough to sweeten the deal for Efron, five years Hemsworth’s junior. However, there may be some considerable PR work to be done after trading one Byron Big Boy out only to replace him with another. It’s a tough business.
TRADE #2
AUSTRALIA RECEIVES
- Zac Efron
- Access to HBO GO
AMERICA RECEIVES
- 2020, 2021, 2022 First-Round NIDA Graduates
- Russell Crowe
ANALYSIS
A risky trade that puts the future of Australia’s dramatic arts sector on the line in a bold bid for instant awards success, and one that assumes America’s entertainment industry is entering a rebuild phase. In this deal, America also scores a plucky veteran with championship experience in Crowe – despite protestations from New Zealand that Australia’s claimed right to do so is dubious at best. Australian citizens not having to pay $50 a month just to watch Game of Thrones re-runs on Foxtel is the steak knives in this deal.
TRADE #3
AUSTRALIA RECEIVES
- Zac Efron
AMERICA RECEIVES
- Ryan Kwanton
- RÜFÜS DU SOL
- Andrew Bolt
ANALYSIS
A much different plan of attack. Though Australia seldom plays hardball with its Northern Hemisphere compatriots, now may be the time to draw a line in the sand. In this deal, Australia theoretically holds all the cards. Either Efron comes to us in this deal, or he walks to us in Free Agency and America gets nothing. At least here there is some value to be had for the US: A quality mid-card performer who won’t rattle any cages, a musical act capable of ably entertaining discerning crowds of future COVID statistics in South Dakota, and what will likely wind up being the most progressive pundit on American TV. Take it or leave it, Seppos.
TRADE #4
AUSTRALIA RECEIVES
- Zac Efron
- Graham Norton’s Eurovision Commentary
AMERICA RECIEVES
- James Corden
UNITED KINGDOM RECEIVES
- Adam Hills
- Maine, Vermont, and Rhode Island
ANALYSIS
If suitable deals can’t be reached, then it’s time to get creative. By bringing in a willing third party to break the deadlock, a complex three-way trade can feasibly be struck. This one, involving the UK, is all about perceived value. Just as no one in the UK gives a flying fuck about James Corden, so too is Adam Hills’ popularity in Australia in its twilight. But in the US, Corden reigns as King. As does Hills in the UK. With Graham Norton’s under-appreciated Eurovision Commentary coming to Australia and three unwanted US states being returned to the Commonwealth, this trade serves as one where everyone comes out ahead.
TRADE #5
AUSTRALIA RECEIVES
- Zac Efron
- Lupita Nyong’o
- Hosting rights to WrestleMania for the next decade
- Kyrie Irving’s services at the 2021 Tokyo Olympics
- Jeff Bezos gives every Australian citizen USD$5 million
AMERICA RECEIVES
- The Wiggles
ANALYSIS
Australia gets absolutely fleeced in this trade. We get bled stone cold, motherless dry here. The Wiggles are by far and away our most valuable asset. Trading them at any point would have previously been unthinkable. But desperate times call for desperate measures. And if America can cobble together a package that covers the loss of The Wiggles in the aggregate, Moneyball-style, we may actually be willing to give up the Big Red Car, Captain Feathersword, Dorothy the Dinosaur, and everything else that comes with it.
Not Murray, though.
We’re keeping Murray.
We will never give up Murray.
