Look guys. We’re at the tail end of The Bachelorette. We’re down to three options for Angie Kent – Ryan Anderson, Carlin Sterritt… and Timm Hanly.
Well, I have decided based on simply no facts at all that Angie Kent just can’t be picking Timm at the end of this, because he is absolutely fated to date me instead.
I CAN HEAR YOU YELLING AT ME, BY THE WAY. I can hear you saying “um no bitch, Timm is my future boyfriend fuck off”. But you’re wrong, and this is why.
1. I Can’t Get His Astrological Sign But I Can Sense A Vibe
Look I really tried to find out Timm’s star sign but in shocking news, it turns out normal people who then go on reality shows don’t just post their full birth date, location and time of birth all over the internet. INCREDIBLY RUDE.
Anyway, I get the vibe that Timm is a Scorpio, Cancer or Capricorn and NO I’m not just saying that because I googled star signs most compatible with Pisces (me). That’s just how it turned out, ok.
I did a bit more work than that though, mates – I asked my colleagues what star sign they think he is! My work neighbour Louis said Leo and added “which star sign is usually suss on everything” to which my answer is, I don’t know I only care about myself and my star sign. Which is “gets way too emotionally attached and then cries for a year about a guy she went on 2 dates with”.
Josie, my Editor, reckons Sagittarius which is my sister’s sign, and while we are meant to hate each other we are actually best mates, so that bodes well.
2. He’s A Fucking Moron & I’m A Fucking Moron
Haven’t you worked that out already? I’m a complete fuckwit! I’m barely passing as an adult at this point! We’ll be perfect together, and by that I mean all our friends will be like, can you guys break up immediately because you’ve spent all your collective money on your latest obsession, buying vintage Sea Monkeys off eBay.
3. He… Eats Corn!
I eat corn! What a fucking vibe, you guys! We can barbecue corn on the beach… in horrible train caps. Actually I’m going to politely pass on the stupid train cap, but look the fact I still froth this guy and he wears train caps says something, ok?
4. Just This Picture
No real point here, just wanted to share the sexiest shot of Timm in existence.
4. I Just Don’t Really Think Angie’s His Vibe
This is like, NO SHADE on Angie Kent – she seems hilarious and fun and zesty. But is she zesty enough for our mate Timm? I think she likes TV time more than like, going to all the different community pools that have those jumping castle things and climbing on them and…
5. I Don’t Know, Guys
Wasn’t this just an excuse to post a LOT of sexy pics of Timm? Isn’t that why you came here? Why else would you be reading about all the reasons Timm should ditch Angie and come date me instead?
Here, I’ll give you one more.
Fuck me UPPPPPPPP. If Timm wins this thing, just throw an egg in my face and call me Barbara.