Is anyone else feeling tentatively positive about this season of The Bachelors? Aside from being forced to endure 450 dates last episode, and watch in real time as Kmart MGK (I say this lovingly btw, Kmart is LIFE) and his ego inflated and deflated, the setup seems way more entertaining this year and, in a bonus, seems to give the women far more agency with the rejection and selection of the Bachies. Anyway who knows! For now, we’re back at Cheug Mansion.
Everyone’s finally worked out there are three Bachelors this season. Felix is first to walk in, dressed like a COVID doctor.
Already some of the women are like – wait, you mean to tell me I don’t have to work my ass off to build on these sub-par feelings I have for whichever guy picked me?
In comes Thomas, fast becoming my favourite Bach because a) he seems most interested in actually finding love (so far) and b) his over-enthusiasm for everything from a speck of dust to engagement rings is starting to endear me to him. The man is PERMANENTLY happy. Is it all the kale juices?
Finally we’ve got Jed. A lot of the women are veryyyyyy head-turned about Jed, which makes sense given he’s easily the least clean-cut Bachie we’ve ever had in Australia and let’s face it, 99 per cent of us have a serious weakness for men who look like they’ll fuck us once and then spend three years breadcrumbing us until we have no self-esteem.
Not saying Jed is necessarily THAT prick, but superficially, he looks exactly like my most toxic ex.
Osher tells the guys to “show the women the only reason you’re here” and they pull out those $29.99 Lovisa rings. Honestly the vibes I got were that most of the women were shocked in a bad way because no, men of Australia, we aren’t all out here DYING to be proposed to after five dates. If ever.
In fact, I’d prefer you buy me $20,000 of Mykonos mansion holidays instead tysm Tom my boyfriend who is not reading this.
It’s ‘Jed’s night’, whatever that means – it seems to mean he gets to court all the ladies first. I’m slowly warming up to Jed because while he may have been a giant baby during yesterday’s episode, he’s pretty funny. But also this is exactly how I justified every soul-destroying booty call with guys I was “IN LOVE WITH” who gave me absolutely nothing.
So you know, still hesitant about KMGK for now. He clearly has legit chemistry with Angela, and not just “I want to bone this woman” chemistry. The proper, deeper shit. They seem to really get along and talk naturally, not like constipated robots.
Meanwhile, someone (I’ve forgotten her name but she owns the side-eye chihuahuas) is definitely a two-pot screamer because she’s sidled up to Jed’s other ladies and asked if any of them have had a pash. When Alesia says she “may have”, Chihuahua Mum is VERY annoyed.
Chihuahua Mum is giving a sort of young Tanya from White Lotus energy for me and I’m here for it.
She says she “doesn’t share boys” – there’s always one every season who seems to have missed the entire concept of The Bachelor Australia, right? – and that she’s got a strategy. I LOVE Chihuahua Mum/Young Tanya. She’s the chaos we want on this show. She’s winding all the other women up, saying when she kisses someone it “means something”, and so on.
Meanwhile KMGK is over here like:
In the end Young Tanya just marches up to Jed and plants a pash on him, much to his and everyone else’s surprise given two seconds earlier she was piously telling everyone how kisses mean something. LOL.
So Alesia is the ice-skating date gal, and she is NOT into this PDA from Young Tanya. Even though SHE kissed Jed on her date, she seems baffled that he would kiss anyone else. So what does she do? Pulls him aside for a chat.
IDK man this is a lot of stress over a few pashes.
Anyway he tells Alesia that if he’d first met her, he wouldn’t have kissed anyone else which is BULLLLLLSHIT since he literally just fell in love with Angela five minutes ago. She fully believes it though. It’s like none of these women have ever encountered a man who will tell them what they want to hear! Are you not ON THE APPS. Have you not dipped your toes even gently into the absolute hellscape that is modern dating.
Anyway Jed, to his credit, realises all this pashing might be hurting people’s feelings and says he’ll only now lick date’s faces in private. Which he then does with Alesia.
Okay so I’ve figured out the “nights” thing – it’s how each guy’s night is playing out. So at the same time as Jed is pashing ladies and getting into strife, Thomas is surrounded by women but just wants to spend time with Kristen (Kiki).
These two are TRULY going to end up together at the end, right? They seem so comfortable with one another. Maybe it’s also because Thomas is older and therefore ACTUALLY looking for a life partner. Whatever the case they seem really well suited.
It is LOL though when Thomas is like “I love getting out in nature” and Kiki’s like “ME TOO”. It’s giving Irena and Locky vibes – remember when we all thought she was lying and now they’re like, hiking 24/7?
Anyway I really love that either every woman on this series is a two-pot screamer or they’ve really cracked the champers hard because there are a LOT of tipsy convos going on.
Leah, meanwhile – she was the gal with the memoir essay on the Venitian cruise of the Yarra – is giving Alesia energy and is definitely one of those additions who doesn’t cope with the competitiveness of The Bachelor Australia.
She pulls Thomas for a chat but afterward, breaks down and cries about having never felt this way before and being scared, which is huge alarm bells to me. Not in a DON’T HAVE EMOTIONS way more in like… are you prepared for this experience bc it seems like it might crush you. This is not the show to go on if you are a sensitive soul.
Over to Felix. He’s aaaabsolutely the player of this season. It’s like the fuckboy demon has transferred itself from Jed over to this guy because truly, the stuff coming out of his mouth!!! You can’t “uhurrr it’s just the edit” some of this. He tells us he’s looking for The One but he also wants to have “a lot of fun” in the process. Which you know, doesn’t make him The Worst Guy Ever but isn’t exactly the kind of Bachie we’re used to.
I still can’t get past the fact that he looks like he’s been planted to give out COVID booster shots.
Felix, unlike newly angelic Jed, seems to have zero issue with dry-humping one woman in front of the 29 other women who are interested in him. He hooks up with Tilly in the yard and Ella in particular is OFF it. She leaves the mansion.
Felix DGAF. DGAF!!!!!! It is WILD. He tells us to-camera that if he’s got a connection with someone, he’s going to pash them and fuck it if anyone else is offended. Apparently Felix finds it a “turn off” when other women don’t enjoy watching him dry hump people in front of them! I told you, the shit this man is saying is baffling.
Here’s a fun game, let’s lock him in a soundproof room and pair Tilly up with another guy she likes, then have HIM watch HER hook up knowing he’s watching. Her fully wouldn’t be offended by that, no way. Not at all.
Jed, who is now basically Jesus, tries to reason with Felix that his behaviour is probably a little bit penisfacey. He’s having none of it.
He is REALLY choosing violence tonight, like REALLY REALLY. Someone call an exorcist. Instead of feeling one iota of remorse for his shitty behaviour, and in total opposite of Jed’s advice, he just yanks Tilly away again, pops a blanket over them and starts making out even more!!!!!!
Ella, my girl, you made the RIGHT CHOICE.
The next day Felix is crowing about his makeout sesh. Thomas, clearly the most emotionally mature and non-fuckwitty of the bunch, is like:
The first group date is being organised and Osh tells the ladies at Cheug Mansion that there’s a twist – only the women invited on the group date are at risk of going home.
Felix invites Naomi (who), Abigail (who), and two other women (who). Thomas invites some people we’ve never seen before and supreme stakeholders like Leah The Memoir Girl, same with Jed. Anyway this was one date you DON’T want an invite to.
Off to the pool party. This is what Jed chose to wear to a pool party:
I have just realised the hilarity of there being a POOL TABLE right next to the ACTUAL POOL, which is more like a small, biological-hazard-filled spa. It’s a Pool-Squared Party AHAHAHA! Help me.
The gals arrive and Jed/Thomas greet them like normal people, by going over to hug them and so on. Demon-possessed Felix chooses to float around the pool with a beer like a sort of sad, drunken seal lost at Seaworld.
Eventually a handful of girls hesitantly head over, and he tells them that even though he made out profusely with Tilly, he doesn’t want anyone thinking he’s a player.
They definitely do not believe him.
He does this DISGUSTING tongue thing to-camera when The Bachelors producers ask him if he’ll get carried away again on a date like he did with Tilly. I truly recoiled into my couch and had to be dug out with a shovel. YEUGH. It was like someone mimicking really bad oral sex.
Who is this man.
Anyway Jed plays the drums, of course. His chats with women seem to exclusively involve him either teaching them to play the drums like he’s their after-school music teacher, or him showing off his drum skills which is VERY LOUD and probably even louder in that tiny apartment. RIP everyone’s ears.
Thomas is surrounded by women because EVERYONE is realising he’s easily the best, most reliable catch in the room. Jed’s then teaching Young Tanya to play pool when she drops a casual bomb that she was engaged to “someone in the limelight” before.
Jed steers her off for a chat and she explains she was engaged to A PREVIOUS BACHELOR. I did a quick Goog and it turns out it was MICHAEL FUCKING TURNBULL. Incredible. Love this twist.
Because Jed’s now un-possessed by the fuckboy demon, he’s really mature about Tash talking about her ex and in fact feels like the previous commitment shows she’s ready for love. Tash, on the other hand, is just grovelling to-camera about having Jed all to herself.
Anyway more people doing a horrible job of playing the drums (truly imagine the producers ears at this point, they need to go to some sort of sensory deprivation tank after this series), more bad pool playing, more Felix The Sad Drunk Seal floating listlessly in the biological-hazard spa.
Then!!! Root Rat Seal does it again, pashing Naomi in front of everyone.
Honestly at this point I want to sit each of Felix’s women down and BEG them to leave for the sake of their sanity. This man is every red flag under the sun!!! GET OUT!!!
Over to the rose ceremony which is MORE CHAOS. All the women who didn’t go on the date? They just sit on a couch watching the public humiliation of the select few up for elimination. It’s like Big Brother meets The Bachelors.
We’re also done with any semblance of this being a hyper-romantic show and the ladies are queued up in front of a shitty piece of gauze from Spotlight.
Anyway it’s not an exciting rose ceremony because the three women who go home are people I’ve never seen before in my life. But Jasmine, who is picked last by Jed, does say she’s going to essentially play the game harder and if that means stepping on other people, she’ll do it. Next minute we’ve got a preview showing her going head to head with Young Tanya, so there you bloody go. What a chaotic season.
Melissa is a freelance writer whose nightmare blunt rotation is currently Felix, Actual MGK and the face on the side of Cheug Mansion. You can find her on Instagram and TikTok.
