I love how The Bachelors just got the rulebook for this ten-season series, did a huge wee on it, threw it into a sewer, stewed it around a bit and then lit it on fire. Honestly, like we open tonight’s episode at the END of the rose ceremony! We never do that!

This is because Lord And Saviour Krystal (she’s not being as L&S as I’d like of late but she can keep the crown until she really fucks up) is annoyed because Tilly grabs our Lost Seal and whisks him off with the intention of having a srs chat about how they don’t have enough srs chats bc they just end up grinding on each other every time they’re “alone”, except then they just end up grinding on each other.

the bachelors
my hobby? kissing. my secret I’ve never told anyone? I’m a great kisser

It’s a far more brief kiss than usual for them but Krystal and co are not having it. Tensions are UP!!! Then off we go to the biohazard Bach Pad where Meditation Daddy is being more Creep Daddy:

the bachelors
Truly no one can use a telescope in broad daylight and not come off as a creep

They try to edit it so it’s like he’s looking at the girl’s house (still weird) bc someone is holding up a sign saying “take me on a date” (even more weird) but it doesn’t work. He’s being a creep, like when I was 14 and found my grandpa’s binoculars and was looking into someone’s yard out of curiosity and they caught me looking and maybe called the cops. In short, don’t use telescopes during the day it never ends well.

They head off to the mansion and we cop a 40 minute long slow-mo of them walking like they’re the three hottest, coolest, most eligible men on the planet even though I could find a carbon copy of each of them on Hinge within 30 seconds of opening the app.

the bachelors
I’ve dated three Jeds, one Felix and chatted for an entire week to a Thomas

The Bachelors taking three women on single dates. Jed picks Angela, someone I completely forgot existed. She had the tennis blind date originally.

the bachelors
You might remember me from “that one tennis scene”

Meditation Daddy picks “Lauren”, someone who absolutely did not exist until this episode.

the bachelors
Is this just a producer they threw in last minute to fill a gap

And Sealy picks… Tilly! Shocking! Krystal is all “she’s so controlling” but she just looked excited to me IDK. Are they going to fuck? I really feel like they’re going to fuck.

Off we go from daytime to night time because time is simply a theory in this show. They go to the Pink Flamingo Club, a burlesque bar filled with pink neon that definitely smells like Britney Spears Fantasy perfume and bleach.

the bachelors
This is where Pitbull would take a date

There’s a hot and sexy dance performance. Felix and Tilly get horny. Meditation Daddy finds it inspiring, because of course he does. Kmart MGK is all creatively thrilled and zippy.

KMGK then takes Angela off to a quiet spot. He’s all, who are you bc I think you’ve said the words “tennis” and “hello” to me so far. She says she has walls up, she’s afraid of vulnerability, etc.

the bachelors
if I took a shot for whenever someone said “my walls are up” this season I’d be dead

But then she’s like “my parents divorced and that’s why” which works for Jed! And that, my friends, is why you always talk about childhood trauma on first dates. Emotionally draining! Opening yourself up to someone you barely know! Always good ideas!

Meditation Daddy meanwhile is trying to work out who TF this “Lauren” person is.

the bachelors
so I met you…. at the park? And you’ve been in the house this whole time?

It’s mainly them saying the most OBVIOUS statements about life  – he wants a partner that will grow with him! Also you grow heaps after a relationship ends! M Daddy tells us he’s “surprised” by “Lauren”, he just keeps repeating how surprised he is. Fairly sure he means “seriously, who is this person”.

The Bachelors Recap: I Am A Horny Corpse After Felix & Tilly’s R18+ Hookup
hahaha but seriously. Did I pick you

Tilly and Sealy are, of course, just total hornbags. They make Kath and Kel look virginal. All they seem to do is talk about sex or pash.

the bachelors
what do I like to do on weekends? Kissing

Also CRYING over Meditation Daddy and “Lauren” calmly sipping their beverages in the background while Tilly and Felix have sex on the next table.

the bachelors
dinner and a show! round two!

Everyone heads back to the biohazard pad, and they sit in various spots around that yucky pool which has to be awkward. Anyway, Angela tells Jed that she’s not threatened by other connections he may have with the other girls because they clearly have a connection.

CLEARLY? Their connection is coming off as the connection I have with kale chips. Which is, I would rather lick the steps of that pool.

the bachelors
Please, look more disinterested in each other

Okay this is what you all wanted to read about. The fucking pool orgy. Now – what I love about Tilly is that she’s taken a leaf from the Abbie Chatfield book, which is “fuck anyone who shames a woman for being sexual”. I am 100% here for her not giving a fuck about cameras or what The Bachelors viewers might say and just owning the fact she’s horny for Felix. She whips off her dress, wearing this wild J.Lo-in-Hustlers style g-string teddy underneath, and leaps into the water. It’s all on. It’s so hot. It’s like, possibly too hot for primetime.

the bachelors
GET. IT. GIRL.

So yes we were all hot and bothered for a bit there but then Meditation Daddy and “Lauren” get in too, big mistake.

the bachelors
I regret everything

They’re out of there within thirty seconds flat because honestly, it was giving mum and dad supervising the 21st party.

Off to a less pervy couch they go and “Lauren” seems to exclusively talk about growth periods after break ups.

the bachelors
I was meant to just be a plant in the group you weren’t supposed to pick me

Anyway whatever is going on with “Lauren” she’s gone from nonexistent to frontrunner. Meditation Daddy is OBSESSED with her!

Shockingly, Tilly doesn’t sleep over at the Pad. Idk how these two are going to consummate this electric chemistry they have but they really need to, like I’m weirdly invested in them fucking. It’s creepy. I feel like M Daddy with the telescope.

When she gets back she’s all giggly, and Krystal’s pissed off because she has a gut feeling they boned. Surely they wouldn’t bring this up on the show unless they deffo boned.

the bachelors
just tell me you fucked

Tilly is being so coy she might as well be a cardboard cutout. She is giving them nothing (nor does she need to??) but Krystal is losing her mind over it because she KNOWS something went down and can’t handle the idea of Felix doing the rumpy pumpy with anyone else but her.

the bachelors
you do realise this is the bachelors and we’re all dating him beb

Off for a group date! It’s at a gin distillery with really naff games like Jenga. Okay fine, Jenga fucking rules. But on a date? Is this a 5th birthday party?

the bachelors
are there party bags tho that’s a mood

Krystal is still heaps suss about Tilly and has that anxious energy thing where you can’t stop asking even when you absolutely need to shut the fuck up. She’s being an asshole but I also deeply relate as a fellow anxious gal. If you text me “hey, can we catch up tonight?” I will barrage you with texts asking why until you tell me. BARRAGE YOU.

Naturally, because Tilly is giving her nothing, she pops over to see Felix who moronically tells her they hooked up in the pool. Sealy is deffo treating Krystal as his mate-pal-champ-ledge friend now and not as a prospective gf, but I actually don’t care because a) I think Krystal can do better (and will also get a wave of offers for other shows after this, she’s perfect talent) and b) it means he’s keeping her around as his champy-bro-pal to talk to, and I enjoy Krystal on air.

Anyway, Krystal is barraging.

the bachelors
I WILL BARRAGE YOU

Tilly then takes Sealy aside to be like, the girls are being weird with me about always dry humping with you, and Sealy is like DO NOT STOP DRY HUMPING ME. I LOVE YOU DRY HUMPING ME.

the bachelors
NEVER STOP DRY HUMPING ME

Meanwhile this woman we’ve never even seen on The Bachelors tells us how excited and hopeful she is for this day date. It’s like watching the person who will die first in a horror movie tell us what a lovely sunny day it is before a giant eagle-monster swoops down and claws them in two.

the bachelors
oh honey. who’s gonna tell her

Off to a rose ceremony! Guess what. That ^^^^ girl goes home. Clawed to death by that damn eagle. So does Naomi, which is sad because I actually knew her name. Both Tilly and Krystal go through, expect drama to ensue.

But!!! A twist!!! Over we go to the Biohazard Pad where a single silver-heeled foot emerges from a limousine. Attached to that foot is none other than FUCKING TASH.

She’s back to talk to Jed, who walks in and honestly looks alarmed more than excited.

the bachelors
surprise bitch

He asks (well, TELLS) Felix to get him a wine and walks off with Tash, while Thomas scowls and says he hates that she’s back and that she’s total trouble. YEAH. DER. THAT’S WHY SHE’S BACK YOU ADORABLE AYURVEDIC IDIOT.

Anyway they’re saving that chaos chat for next ep, and I’m sure it will involve Tash staying until the final two or some shit.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.