We’re halfway through this season can you bloody believe it? I really thought there was going to be a chaos twist where they just opened a trapdoor and thirty more women and maybe two other Bachelors just for funsies. And then the new drama is who gets a bed vs. who has to sleep on the cold tacky tiles in Cheug Mansion.

But yes anyway we’re halfway, no one new is joining I assume, boring boring. We open this episode of The Bachelors again with a flash forward which everyone seems to hate but I love it?? Anyway it’s Jess telling us how excited she is to go on a solo date, and to have some one on one time, and I was like wait a minute you’ve had like 45 single dates at this point and THEN!!!

the bachelors
Kiss me in front of the creepy brass statue of this couple beb

It’s with HER OUTSIDE BOYFRIEND DAMIEN!

Cut to now, where Meditation Daddy and Sealy are sitting on the beach, with Sealy saying he’s shocked that it’s like, really hard to not be a giant walking fuckstick who hurts women’s feelings left right and centre by pashing them in front of other girlfriends and so on.

The Bachelors Recap: Wait, When Did Felix Evolve Beyond Fuckboy
Mate!! How do you do it!!!

Osher has organised a group date and tells us about the halfway point thing. This also means like two women don’t go on this date – it’s all nobodies besides Leah of the gondola memoir, now known as Gondoleah (thank you v much to Emma on IG for gifting me with that incredible nickname), Krystal Our Lord And Saviour, Jess, Alesia, GC Gwyneth… basically all the women we know and a few we don’t. At this point, if I don’t know your name you absolutely aren’t winning, I’m sorry ladies.

The Bachelors Recap: Wait, When Did Felix Evolve Beyond Fuckboy
Look it’s Gondoleah, thingy, and That Gal

There’s tension in the house bc Jess has apparently told people she doesn’t want Damien to date other women while she’s on the show. Krystal says it’s hypocritical, and I guess it is unless they mutually agreed that’s fine.

But also I don’t really care??? I’m bored of this plot line because it went from being really positive-educational about non monogamy to this confusing backflipping from Jess between being passionately non-monogamous to being all “I am a little fairy princess looking for my strapping prince charming to whisk me away from yucky dirty polyamory”.

Like literally in this scene she says “I don’t want two partners at the end of this” and it’s likeeeeee that is so fine, and no one has to be binary in their sexuality or sexual/relational preferences. We’re allowed to follow our hearts here. But it’s not even EXPLAINED. She just went from “I have a boyfriend and I’m not going to dump him, I want to explore non monogamy” to “it’s Damien or Felix I MUST CHOOSE ONE”.

Anyway. The group date begins and everyone has a loved one turn up, from Gondoleah’s sister to Alesia’s bestie. Naturally, The Bachelors producers have brought Damien in. From the get go it’s clear he and Jess are pretty invested in each other.

the bachelors
I don’t even have a funny here it was just rly sweet

He also seems really supportive and lovely and kind. I would like a twist where Damien also gets to be in The Bachelors lineup. Everyone sits down for lunch and Sealy, to his credit, isn’t being a slippery little bitch to Damien as I thought he would be. He’s actually being really mature, a word I did not think I would ever use to describe him.

In fact, Sealy is being really…. NICE?? And respectful??? I really thought he’d be a petty cuntos to Damien but instead he’s including him in conversation, respecting his stance, and not mauling Jess in front of him. WHO IS THIS AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE LOST DRUNK SEAL.

the bachelors
did someone kill Felix and replace him with a doppelganger

Felix makes it clear he’s monogamous. Damien makes it clear he loves Jess. Jess looks perpetually flummoxed like she’d prefer a few prawns on the table come alive and start zombie-snacking on everyone’s faces to distract from the awkwardness.

The other women would all like to throw Jess down the laundry chute because her Damien situation is taking up a) all the airtime, most important for those post-show teeth veneers spon con opportunities, and b) all of Sealy’s attention.

the bachelors
Abigail, 26: would like some free beauty products at the end of this shitshow

Felix asks Jess flat-out if she sees herself having two boyfriends at the end of The Bachelors, in an ideal world. She says no, BUT she would want the option of staying in touch with the other guy. He says “not sexually, you mean” and she says actually yes sexually.

What I am gleaning here, amidst all this confusing editing and awkwardness, is that Jess is a very curiosity-driven woman who is open to new ways of experiencing love in relationships. She tells Sealy that she is still figuring out if she could be with one man sexually forever, and she just wants a sort of openness to the concepts of non monogamy.

I want Jess to pick Damien because while Sealy is slowly (slowlyyyy) improving from having the emotional maturity of a sea cucumber to the emotional maturity of like, a prawn, Damien is already THERE WITH HER. He wants the same kinds of things. He wants monogamy with Jess down the line but he’s also open to non monogamous ways of rethinking or reworking their relationship. This is a no brainer!!

the bachelors
Don’t pick the sea cucumber pick me

Here’s another no brainer – that the producers cashed in on Kmart MGK being in a band by getting that band to play a gig for everyone. They’re strangely locked in a small pool fence enclosure while everyone uncomfortably sways below them.

The Bachelors Recap: Wait, When Did Felix Evolve Beyond Fuckboy
if you squint and also block your ears and also crouch in the foetal position you could pretend you’re at The Killers

Are they bad? No. Are they the next Guns ‘N’ Roses? Also no. Also, I don’t care. I don’t think any of us care. Sorry, Muddy Merino or Mistaken Mop Pad or whatever you’re called. Militant Moose? There were two M’s is all I remember. And I’m fairly sure all the names I just suggested were better.

Moving on! It’s single date time. Thomas picks Jas his actual child, who reacts like his actual child.

The bachelors
DAD’S TAKING ME TO THE PLAYGROUND!

I like Jas and I think she’s pretty mature for 24 but Meditation Daddy seems like the elderly compared to her. It’s a weird match and I hate it.

Jess has a date BUT!!! It’s with DAMIEN not Sealy, and it’s to have a “conscious conversation”. Stick a fork in me, dear god. I bet GC Gwyneth loved that line.

Instead, Felix is going out with Krystal which royally pisses off Tilly, who hasn’t had one on one time with the guy. She needs her emotional support water bottle and she needs it NOW!!!

the bachelors
WHERE’S MY FRANK GREEN THOUGH

Except she has had as much as Krystal, she’s just chosen to use it to grind on him which honestly is probably way more enjoyable than what Felix and Krystal do which is go DOWNSTAIRS into a half empty bar that looks like it does 2 for 1 cocktails on a Saturday night, so Felix can moan to Krystal about Jess and the Damien situation. They literally don’t even finish their drinks, look:

the bachelors
Artwork: ‘Shit date’, acrylic on canvas

I hate to say it but it’s not looking good for Our Saviour Krystal. Over to Damien/Jess, and Damien says he loves Jess and is finding this situation hard. He doubts her relationship with Sealy because she said when she was going on the show she said she wanted to find a guy she didn’t have to “teach” non monogamy to. Jess explains she taught Felix the love languages, and we cut immediately to him co-opting this new information to look impressive to Krystal ahahahaha.

the bachelors
“and then there’s the one where you need to kiss women in front of other women so they feel bad”

Anyway Jess says there are three options – pick Felix, dump Damien. Pick Damien, leave the show. Option three is “to have two boyfriends in a consenting way”. I’m no Esther Perel, but I don’t understand why there isn’t a fourth option called “keep dating Felix, who I barely know, while maintaining our relationship since you are okay with me being on the show”.

Meanwhile, Thomas has gone for a hike with Jas, and I cannot watch these two. I’m aware they’re both consenting adults of legal age and plenty of people have 10+ year age gaps in relationships (myself included lol) but these two give HUGE FAMILIAL VIBES so when they started kissing I was completely icked out.

the bachelors
BLAAAAGH NO! YUCKY! ICKY!

They have zero chemistry and Thomas tends to just look at Jas with a sort of “how long do I have to pretend this is real” expression on his face.

On to the rose ceremony – will Jess show up? Will she just ride off into the sunset with Damien? I’m like PLEASE GOD GO WITH DAMIEN but even though they trick everyone by having Jess not appear for a few seconds, there she is, awaiting her fate.

the bachelors
I choose chaos

Blah blah, roses go out, of COURSE Sealy picks Jess, and someone I STILL have never seen before goes home. The best bit is prob Krystal and Tilly’s faces when Jess gets picked.

the bachelors
lol this was prob an edited screenshot where a producer said “we ran out of champers”

I can’t believe we’re six episodes in and I can name about five women on this show. Anyway!!! Next ep of The Bachelors? TASH IS BACK. I am so conflicted coz she was awfulllll but also you cannot say she didn’t bring the drama, can you.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.