We’re at the pointy end of The Bachelors now, everyone!! That means serious conversations! All those women whose names we didn’t know? Gone!

First up though we need a bitch sesh, obviously. For some unfathomable reason, Abigail simply CANNOT get her head around Jess telling Felix she wants to be with him, she just wants him to be open to the idea of non-monogamy in future.

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How DARE she be clear and upfront about her needs!

Her jimmies are so rustled over this issue which is also COMPLETELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, and says Jess isn’t being clear with Felix. Except she really is, now? Sure, before I’d agree with Abigail but at that dinner party Jess literally outlined it with “I want to be with you, I just want you to be open to non-monogamy down the line because I’m not sure I can sleep with one man forever”.

Our Saviour Krystal is concerningly leaning heavily toward the Abigail camp here, which is not very saint-like IMO, but at least she says she’s staying out of it. Abigail says she will also stay out of it UNLESS!!! She feels the wool’s being pulled over Felix’s eyes. Which of course, she will feel in the next 45 minutes, I’m sure.

Meanwhile, all the Bachelors are taking ladies on single dates. Felix is taking Jess to the beach (is this the day he finally leaps into the ocean and embraces his true seal form, we do not know). They’re segwaying which is the worst date EVER! If my boyfriend ever tries to make me segway, I won’t just dump him, I’ll (you guessed it… it’s coming…) slash his tyres.

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if anyone makes me do this I will sue

Meditation Daddy‘s taken GC Gwyneth to another part of the beach because, lol, the production budget is that small.

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wow, so private and romantic

Because M Daddy is absolutely chomping at the bit to lock some lady down with a ring, even though he’s in love with three of them, he’s disappointed when his convo with GC Gwynnie about the future sees him saying he wants it ALL and her saying “I would like to keep dating you and see where things go”. This is a very normal attitude to dating a man you’ve known for a few weeks. Unless you are our Meditation Daddy, in which case this means “I fucking hate you”.

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I’d like to take things slow, by which I mean I fucking hate you and hope you rot in hell, dickbrain

Kmart MGK, down another end of the beach (how long is this beach?) is dune buggying with this woman whose name I never remember.

We also must acknowledge his attempt to slowly integrate into The Wiggles.

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LET HIM IN THE BIG RED CAR

After they sit down and she tells him she’s falling in love with him, which is surprising since she’s had 0.4 minutes of airtime and I do not know her name.

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Cute kiss, who is she

KMGK does the classic Bachelor move of kissing her instead of saying anything. Meanwhile Jess is also falling in love with Felix! At this point if you aren’t making declarations of love, you’re going home so these ladies clearly read the rulebook.

Back at the mansion, Osher leaps out of a pot plant to let the girls know this is BIG BUSINESS now. As a side note – how refreshing to have three separate groups of women vying for different guys so their late-season friendships don’t seem so fucking awkward?

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Look at these besties who aren’t uncomfortably licking the same man’s face!

The group date is…. THERAPY. COUPLES THERAPY. This is masterful. Genius. Obsessed. They’ve managed to shoehorn MAFS into The Bachelors.

They introduce this sexologist who may or may not be a charlatan, but who is deffo going to ask the questions the producers want her to ask.

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*listens intently to earpiece*

Alesia and Jed are first up and Alesia is like, therapy is dumb and I’m not telling some rando my private shit, tyvm.

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hahaha absolutely not Gloria, won’t be telling you shit

The main “issue” they’re made to discuss is whether Alesia is down to get engaged at the end of the season. She’s like….. no….

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I can barely keep a houseplant alive, Gloria

Truly this whole engagement twist is unhinged. These people have known each other for A MONTH. They have never been WITHOUT CAMERAS UP THEIR NOSTRILS. KMGK is like, 12 years old. Stop forcing them to get married!

Anyway, to his credit it sounds like KMGK is also not vibing this marriage twist, either so I think they’ll be fine. Moving along to the two people most likely to procreate ON the show so they can start their nuclear family immediately – Meditation Daddy and Gondoleah.

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Let’s buy a house together today

This woman has married this man 50 times over in her mind already, you can see it all over her face. The convo is basically, we want two kids, we’ve already talked about it, we already got married in secret, we’re pregnant with twins.

Then he sits down with GC Gwynnie, who – like Alesia – has a pretty normal and balanced idea of what should happen after this show between her and M Daddy. She’s like, “I’d like to get engaged and marry you I just need some time before we discuss kids”.

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I know this is soooo noncommittal of me but I’d like to get engaged only, for now

Now, to be fair, M Daddy is in his late thirties, as is GC Gwynnie. He says he wants a family of his own, so she’d kiiiind of have to be ready pretty soon to start procreating again if that was on the radar, because the universe hates women and gives us limited biological abilities to have kids. We love to see it (we hate it).

So while M Daddy’s obsession with locking a lady down is bizarro to me still, I’m starting to get why he’s feeling like GC Gwynnie isn’t his match. BUT. The whole edit does come off like “Kiki hates babies” more than “Kiki just needs some more time to develop this relationship and Thomas would prefer he start having kids now, so their timing is very off”. That last concept is far less spicy though so this is why I don’t work in TV.

On to Jess and Felix. Of course, this is entirely about non-monogamy and I AM SO BORED NOW. I AM SO BORED. OF THIS. CONVERSATION.

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Felix is me watching this entire therapy session

Blah blah all you really need to know is that Jess tells Potential Charlatan and Felix that yes, she’s ready to throw Damien in the bin and exclusively sex Felix, at least for now. Felix is beyond happy about this news because a) he gives me vibes of a man who thinks that this would be classified as “winning” and b) because he is prob also exhausted from this lengthy, season-long conversation about sex partners.

But!!!! When we get back to the Bach mansion, Abigail sits down with Jess who tells her that actually, she will not be NOT sexing Damien? Did that sentence confuse you? Good because that’s how confusing this entire conversation was.

I’m confused. Abigail’s confused. The wall is confused. Osher inside the wall is confused. The cameraman is confused. A woman living in Spain unaware of this entire season is confused.

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“you are just saying words at this point”

I don’t know what was said. I don’t know what it means. All I know is that surprisingly, I’m on team Abigail/Krystal here because Jess is surely taking the piss at this point – she follows up her about-turn reveal with news that no, she has not told Felix and apparently doesn’t plan to before the rose ceremony because next thing we know, that’s where we’re headed.

Brief interlude because someone none of us know boots HERSELF off the show which is the best decision when you’ve reached episode ten and gotten -300 amounts of airtime.

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bye Thingy, miss ya

Look I jest but it was actually a really nice, modern way for The Bachelors to boot her. She says she could see Jed’s connection with the other two girls and it wasn’t where she was at. Love this for her! She cries in the car! Prob from happiness at having to never sit through another drum solo!

On to the ceremony. It’s TENSE. Obviously Jed’s girls don’t have to partake but everyone else is stressed to the wazoo. It comes as no surprise to learn that GC Gwyneth The Baby Hater goes home. She’s typically Gwyneth Paltrow about it all, banging on about the good times they had together, namaste and so on.

Now. Who is Felix sending home.

IT’S. FUCKING. LORD. SAVIOUR. KRYSTAL.

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NOT LADY JESUS HERSELF

Look, it’s not a shock. Well, it is because WTF even is Abigail still doing here, she sort of wafted in like an episode ago? But the connection between these two was totally matey by the end there. Still, love you miss you Krystal.

Abigail is INCENSED. Jed’s girls? INCENSED. Everyone is sitting on this bombshell that Jess has changed her mind again, and no one thought to, I don’t know, dramatically stop the rose ceremony to tell Felix?

That would be because TOMORROW on The Bachelors, fucking DAMIEN shows up at MEET THE PARENTS DAY! HAHAHAHA INCREDIBLE. Beautiful. Majestic.

Melissa Mason is a freelance writer, you can find her on Insta and TikTok.