You know when you go through the security bit at the airport and you immediately become hyper-paranoid, like wait maybe I have a secret gun in my bag? Even though I’ve never once owned a gun or considered owning a gun? That paranoia is how I feel about The Bachelors Australia after all this hoo-ha with shifting launch dates and a very suspicious January 9 premiere.
Not that I think The Bachelors Australia is going to turn into a Hunger Games bloodbath (although honestly, for ratings, I can see it in our future). More like… I’m going into this with a hefty dose of conspiracy theory in my brain about this season being a total bag of shite, because WHY was the launch date changed and WHY are we releasing this when we’re barely back from holidays and have dead-brain from too much Christmas ham and mimosas? It’s because it’s gonna be shit, right? I’m STRESSED about it. I need this season to be good!!
Anyway, we can only hope so open that premix margarita Aunty Sue gave you before it goes off and let’s settle in to watch a bunch of people embarrass themselves on television.
The show has already chosen violence because it’s set on the Gold Coast, the Goldy, the GC, the most cheugy place in Australia. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some theme parks and large clubs that smell of farts and disinfectant called ‘DreamLove’ and ‘Candy’, but it doesn’t exactly scream long-term romantic love does it. In fact, it screams “What happens on lads trip stays on lads trip”.
Osher is fucking selling it to us, though. They probably paid him with one large skyscraper. I’d be selling it too, in that case. He’s all, “it’s DIFFERENT in a FUN WAY GUYS!!!” Look at his eyes pleading with us to love the Goldy:
His desperate enthusiasm is adorable but is only cementing my belief that there’s a gun in my handbag that’s been planted by ASIO, aka that this season of The Bachelors is so terrible, they’re trying to shove it through the pipeline of TV so we cleanse our brains of it by peak season.
Off to meet the Bachelors, though! First up is Kmart Machine Gun Kelly, also known as Jed. I feel bad for this guy bc I’m sure he had this aesthetic BEFORE MGK became such a household name, but you also knowwww The Bachelors producers cast him at the height of the Megan Fox/MGK romance, which is now deeply not slay, and yet Jed still has to be here representing Men In Bands With Tattoos Who Wear A Lot Of Polyester Flame-Print.
Kmart MGK, however, isn’t just the drummer in some band you’ve never heard of and never will. He’s also a country boy, which is genuinely a surprising and enjoyable twist. He’s sort of like that guy from your hometown who is really into dirt-biking and setting stuff on fire in old barrels. Except!!! He’s also a CHRISTIAN.
Now, I am an ex-Hillsong adjacent, ten-years-in-a-church-that-totally-became-a-cult gal so I see where this is headed. Firstly, we are definitely going to have a “I’m not having sex until marriage” conversation. We’re also going to have a dad who is a pastor who questions his son’s decision to fornicate with unholy women. But back to Jed NOW.
Jed tells us he’s always wanted to be a drummer but when he was younger, it wasn’t cool to be a drummer and paint your nails. He tells us he was bullied because of it. We get a very moody shot of his painted thumb here and I have to say, give his manicurist a raise:
Anyway, I’ve done some calculations and Jed was a kid in 2008, right? The absolute fucking PEAK of Good Charlotte/Yellowcard/every emo or soft, approachable punk band. Whoever was bullying Jed must have been like a tiny ten-year-old in a pinstripe suit. Maybe in his hometown there was this bunch of weird kids into Beethoven. He says it was footy boys but idk, surely footy boys also loved the most popular music of that time? Unless in the country every footy boy exits the womb with a penchant for Cold Chisel. Actually, that checks out so I’ll give Jed this one.
On to Felix! He’s the really tall one with very white teeth who used to play basketball professionally but now professionally wears suits for a living.
Honestly, we don’t know his job. IS he just a professional suit-wearer? We know this much – he’s your textbook workaholic who has no time for love. He admits he’s been stuck in “hookup culture” and always looked first and foremost for physical attractiveness. He’s been really superficial guys! He’s ready to lower his standards! Felix is finally ready to date a reclusive old witch-hag like me who lives in the forest and feeds off the souls of children. Phew. There’s hope for us ugly people yet.
Jk jk he’s a classic Bachie now looking for a CONNECTION not just FUCKING!! I mean, I think he is. Let’s hope his intentions for appearing on The Bachelors are pure. But also, can we have some reclusive old witch-hag representation on this show? I really identify with isolating myself and despising joy.
On to Mr Ayurvedic, Thomas. He’s the soulful one with the silver fox mane who is always meditating. We naturally meet him traipsing along some rocks looking at waves, talking about growing his spirit and so on. This man would HATE me. I am the absolute worst person for this man to ever date, so you just know there will be a bunch of women like me (hates any form of movement, lives off salt and vinegar chips and Polski Ogorki pickles, can barely maintain focus in a conversation let alone do mindfulness) in his assigned lot.
Side note – is that how this is going to work? Are they going to corral a bunch of women like cows into pens for each man? Do women just walk in like at customs and get assigned a lane, and that lane leads to a particular Bachelor? Am I going to stop using airport references anytime soon?
Back to Tantric Tom. He is Italian, he likes blindingly white sneakers, and calls himself a romantic. That’s what we get. He gets the least amount of airtime, and I can’t tell if this is because he’s going to have the most interesting story and therefore The Bachelors producers don’t need to parade him back and forth for us like a prize pig at the county fair or if it’s because 90 per cent of his conversation was about silent retreats and activated almonds.
Time for the men to stand half-naked in front of floor to ceiling glass windows for us!
Blah blah, I want to do life with someone, blah blah I’ve never felt love before, etc. Jed has the incredible line of “I’m ready for it. Because I’m never gonna stop playing drums. But I don’t wanna be single.”
Off they go to some brutalist-modern holding room where Osher, in chaotic scenes, gives them each an ENGAGEMENT RING someone has designed based on their own personalities. So basically a poor woman is going to cop not just a random ring that wasn’t remotely designed to HER own tastes, but one that wasn’t even designed to her PARTNER’S taste hahaha. Every Bachelor is holding theirs like it’s filled with flesh-eating cockroaches.
More chaos – remember my holding pen theory for each man’s women? Turns out that idea was “misogynist” and “extremely offensive slash possibly illegal” because instead of treating the women like cattle in 1945, each guy is going on a bunch of blind dates and selecting their own set of ladies they wish to date. They each have ten roses to give out, and whoever gets a rose gets to come live in the mansion. Fine, I’ll give it to them – this is a better idea.
First up is Kmart MGK and Caitlin, who is a psychology graduate BUT GUYS, SHE’S ALSO HOT AND WEARS TINY SATIN HOT DRESSES. This is meant to be shocking and surprising. Psychology graduates are meant to be BIG LOSERY LOSERS apparently. So take note if you’re a psychology graduate that you should prob stop being yourself and start either embracing your true self (losery loser) or be like Caitlin (surprisingly hot in a Depop girlie way).
Even though Caitlin’s like, he’ll neverrr pick my job, Jed picks it pretty quickly and that fun little conversational tidbit is over before I can work out what the fuck this weird abandoned cafe is.
Jed makes the joke that he “bashes things” for a living, which lands like a hefty dog poo on a sunny lawn so he has to explain he’s a drummer, which is “lol so mundane” compared to psychology. He totally wants her to swoon over his job and ask about his band but Caitlin has other ideas. She’s chosen violence today too, because instead of having a regular chat she’s gone straight for “so if you’re 25 are you sure you’re ready to settle down” and “what are you grateful for, coming into the show”.
What does that even mean??? Why has this become a job interview? Jed, however, loves it because she’s really hot!!!! She gets his first rose.
Except!!!! Instead of accepting the rose!!! She rejects it! She’s super lovely about it, saying she thinks Jed is great but she feels more of a friendship vibe between them. Like not a HINT of rudeness so naturally Jed throws a spectacular tantrum, is a rude big baby bitch and marches out.
“It was BRUTAL!!!” he tells us after, except it wasn’t at all and, if anything, Caitlin was overly apologetic about… not wanting to fuck this guy.
*Deep exhausted breath* CLASSICCCCCC MENNNNN.
I’ll throw him in my own personal pile of “men who get offended when I don’t want to go on a second date with them” alongside “guy who texted me two paragraphs telling me what an ugly bitch I am”. Toxic masculinity, everyone!
I’ll give him ONE more chance because getting rejected is never fun, but maybe getting rejected on national TV and knowing everyone’s gonna see the moment your heart splits in two makes it worse. Humans are humans, they sometimes behave like little shits.
Still. Grow up.
Meanwhile, Felix is body painting with Krystal except they’re not allowed to use their hands or feet. It’s EXTREMELY SEXY and actually VERY HOT, mainly because Krystal is like the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen on this show.
They’re grinding on each other having horny paint-sex except they’re also laughing and having a really good time? I feel good about this guys! She gets a rose AND a semi (no, seriously, they almost zoom in on it).
Thomas, elsewhere, is set up with Anna who has already been given the crazy-lady music, so she’s either going to be the fun quirky one or get the psycho hose-beast edit.
I’m already in love with Anna. She is just chaos compared to Thomas’ merman-of-the-ocean energy. “An only child! How depressing!” she says, which also lands like a large dog poo because Thomas, I think, has never laughed at himself once. “Are you spoilt and entitled?” she asks, swirling her rose. “… no” he says boringly. In fact, every question he just replies “no”.
In fairness these two are SO wrong for each other, and when Thomas rejects Anna (and feels really bad about it) she doesn’t seem too phased and just digs into the little pile of chips on the table, because she is my queen.
Truly bring this woman back as a wild card or something.
Jed meanwhile has descended into some sort of bruised-ego hellpit where he is being his worst self. HIS WORST SELF. He sits on several bad dates that aren’t even bad, just like not right for him? And instead of fucking trying one iota he’s just all sullen and tantrumy. These poor women are going on dates with an adult toddler. Every date is like two seconds long and ends with him sprinting away yelling “bye!” into the abyss.
Either Jed is super picky and possessed by a fuckboy demon or The Bachelors producers are purposely trying to ruin his life, because now Thomas gets a perfect match. Kristen is this earth-mother type wearing a bohemian dress who chose life drawing as a date.
She obviously gets a rose because she’s his person and they’ll go have a bunch of hemp-overalled babies and live in Byron Bay running a chakra centre. But Thomas also gives roses out like Oprah giving away cars! He has a string of great dates. He’s full success.
Jed meanwhile, still sulking. He goes on a cute pizza date, takes a bite and runs. Meets a woman for cocktails, skulls his in seconds and runs. He’s like the rudest, worst date you’ve ever been on times ten because he’s not even TRYING to hide how dead he is behind the eyes.
I want to SCREAM at this man to grow the fuck up and accept the reality that not EVERY woman you like will also like you back. I can’t tell if he just has major tickets on himself or if he’s just super inexperienced in the world of dating. Am I giving him too much credit here? We’ll see I guess.
Felix is now on a roll, giving roses out all over the shop. He even makes MY Oprah joke, which has totally ruined it now. Anyway, you know what Jed needed? All he needed was a horny yoga date.
“Jed screams good sex,” hot yoga girl Jasmine says. “Everything about him says good in bed”. I will counter that one Jas and say that everything about Jed says “I will stab my finger around your vulva for a bit, say ‘you’re so fucking hot’ and then jack-hammer you for 90 seconds,” but what would I, the wisened old witch-hag from the forest, know?
Even their hot sexy yoga connection doesn’t do it for Jed, because he walks off with his rose AGAIN. This man is going to end up with like, the resident mansion rat and a blade of grass as his prospective lovers at this rate.
Thankfully he pivots back and gives her the rose, cementing his energy that I already suspected – Jed is totally a commitment phobe, watch this space. For now, though, it’s kind of melting my cold, souls-of-children-filled heart watching them hug it out.
Suddenly his luck turns and by that I mean his ego has been restored by a hot girl who looked at him with sexy eyes, because now he’s out here getting tattoos on first dates and throwing roses around, too.
Jed’s ego goes from healed to out-of-control though. He sidles into this date with Angela who is definitely being given the ball-buster edit already, and he’s like hello, it is me, your dream man. Like he literally introduces himself as “I’M THE MAN WITH THE ROSE”.
Felix is also on some sort of cute cricket-laughing date. There are just so many dates. I am tired of dates. I never want to see or go on a date again. Jed gives a rose to this incredible woman who has two unhinged dog-children I hope move to the mansion with her:
Another notable date has to be the midwife who has brought her rubber training vagina with her and is making Felix DELIVER A BABY AHAHAHAH.
He even makes a joke about “being familiar with this minus the baby” and she gives him NOTHING ahahah its so good. I wanted more. I’m sad she’s gone.
I feel like The Bachelors producers love Thomas because he goes on this weird quasi-Venetian rowing date with a woman who reads him a full memoir of her life, and instead of him rolling himself off into the river to be with his merman people instead of spending any more time in eternal date purgatory, it gets him all emotional and this producer fully emerges from the bushes and cuddles him saying she could feel their connection, too. Like truly she runs into frame, even Thomas seems a bit taken aback by the fourth-wall breaking.
Blah blah, Jed falls in love with yet another woman, so that’s promising for his emotional maturity levels NOT, Felix rejects some people, Thomas loves everyone as per usual. The man must have given out 45 roses by now.
It’s finally fucking over when Felix goes out with a cat lady, who he then offends by implying she’s a CRAZY cat lady, then decides he loves so much he needs an extra rose so he calls Jed and begs for his last one.
The gals arrive at the cheugy mansion. The Mansion Of Cheug. Krystal, because she is my lord and saviour, hip-thrusts her way in and declares “I’ll TAKE FOUR” to the waiters with bubbles.
Okay so CHAOS, I did NOT realise the women didn’t know there were three Bachelors for this season of The Bachelors Australia? Did we get told this key bit of information? Did I miss it because when I get bored I zone out?
Anyway they THINK THERE IS ONE BACHELOR. I cannot fathom how at this point they haven’t figured it out, like literally one “but how hot were the tattoos” between a Jed gal and a Felix gal would surely cement it, but no! They’re all shocked that there are 30+ women coming into the mansion.
Anyway it takes 95 years but they get there.
There are a lot of “oh my god’s” and “whaaaat” and “nooooo” and… that’s where we leave things. That episode felt 84 years long and I never want to see a date again, but I have to say I’m kind of on board with this chaotic sort of slightly trashier version of The Bachelors Australia. Until tomorrow!