Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to announce that it is Bachelor Australia time! It’s honestly Christmas Day for reality TV obsessed people who enjoy watching total strangers have their hearts crushed on national telly. I love it, and live for it.

I’m Josie, PEDESTRIAN.TV’s Head of Editorial who will be taking you on this recapping journey for sexy pilot Jimmy Nicholson‘s season of The Bachelor Australia. Find your seat, recline your chair, watch the flight attendant put on the life vest without retaining any of the instructions she’s given you — it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Let’s get stuck in. Of course we need to kick the episode with Optimistic Osher, who insists that this is the show that makes dreams come true. I’m not sure if he’s forgotten the car crashes that were Blake Garvey, Richie Strahan, Matt Agnew and of course the fucken Honey Badger debacle, but okay Osh, go off.

Then we meet Jimmy! He’s a pilot, which means he’s both smart, adventurous and bored as fuck because it’s a pandemic and he can’t fucking fly anywhere. We’re instantly treated to some sexual shots of Jimmy doing something (?) to a bike.

Bachelor Australia
things get lonely in lockdown, ok

Of course we also get Jimmy staring wistfully into the distance, because as we know that every Bachelor must be very wistful about his “journey”. Instead of being shirtless on the beach, Channel Ten has directly attacked our ovaries by plonking a cute dog on his lap instead.

am I wistful or did the dog just piss on me

Also, cop a look at Jimmy’s parents’ place, which seems to be in Palm Beach in Sydney? Heads up ladies, Jimmy’s loaded as fuck.

We get the usual: his parents want what’s best for him (his dad even cries, bless) and his mum and sisters are in full support of his life choice to be the Bachelor.

it’s hard being this rich guys

Of course because Jimmy is a pilot we need approximately 150,000 aviation references in the episode, which starts with Jimmy landing a small plane near Osher and making his big entrance. Thankfully he neither lands it on Osher or walks into the propeller, so we’re off to a great start.

The Bachelor Australia
fuck how do you open this thing

Supportive Dad Osher is in full swing, truly excited for Jimmy… or maybe just thrilled to be out of being in lockdown with a toddler, am I right Osh??!

what is sleep

And now it’s time for a bunch of women to arrive in increasingly ridiculous ways to meet Jimmy, while bearing extravagant gifts, and for a montage of girls screeching “Oh ma gourd!!!” as their limos roll up.

First cab off the rank — and no I’m not going to recap every single arrival because who can be bothered, but first gal gets her dedicated spot of course. She is Brooke, 27, an occupational therapist with a full Mal-bun accent, and she comes bearing a cake, because why not?

The Bachelor Australia
you eating this will be the most action I see for months

They compliment each other’s eyes and have a lot of chemistry. Brooke is Sri Lankan and has brought a Sri Lankan love cake along with her because it’s tradition. As a noted cake fan myself, I immediately want to marry Brooke. I have competition though because Jimmy is also very into her.

Carly comes next with an envelope, which in the Bachelor Australia tradition of outlandish gifts might be the deed to her house? Nope, it transpires that it’s actually a contract! Because she’s a lawyer! Basically this smart bich is making him sign his life away already, and I’m extremely into this manipulative energy.

so just initial here and then I get your father’s Palm Beach house

Next is Jay, who comes with a giant chess set and starts playing Sexy Chess with Jimmy. He’s never played chess before and Jay fucks it all up, but at this point I don’t think it matters.

who needs rules when you have sideboob

28-year-old speech pathologist Laura weirdly comes bearing an oral inspection kit, which no doubt only reveals that Jimmy very politely ate an entire Sri Lankan love cake tonight.

mmm smells like nutmeg

Sierah, 28, shows up with some tarot cards and wants to give Jimmy a reading, and here’s me wondering if I’m going to be sitting here recapping til Sunday because these stunt entrances are getting more and more complicated.

the cards say there’s a good chance my whole tit will escape this dress tonight

Sierah also adds that she needed to fart the entire time she was chatting with Jimmy, and I’ve got to hand it to her — that would have been a very unique gift for the Bachie. Someone take note for next year’s season of The Bachelor Australia!

Stunt entrance time! We hear revving engines, so it appears Jimmy’s next lady is… a cashed up bogan? Daniel Ricciardo? Oh no, it’s Belinda, the token Sexy Criminal Lawyer. She likes fast cars, red outfits, hair extensions, and throwing out random clichés like ‘the bigger the better’ and ‘I’ll do it my way!’. Get it Belinda! I don’t know what you’re on about, but I support you 100%.

The Bachelor Australia
legally blonde, but make it Gold Coast

We get the random parade of more speech pathologists, people named Tamlyn and Tahnee, and someone who seemingly mixed up the Bachelor Australia set with the set of RuPaul’s Drag Race. None of these people are gonna win, so it doesn’t matter!

shantay, you — wait hang on

There’s also Lenny, who attempts to bite Jimmy’s hand off and 10/10 should be the Bachelor next year.

I just want to find love on this journey

For a good few minutes I firmly believed that blonde bubbly nurse Hannah was actually blonde bubbly nurse Elly Miles with a name change. I mean, things didn’t work out for her last year so why not give it another shot?

hehehe they’ll never know

Hannah/Elly regales Jimmy with a romantic anecdote about the love bridge in Paris and how couples put padlocks on it, and who’s gonna tell her that the local council cut those things off with bolt cutters on a regular basis? I don’t want to hurt sweet Hannah/Elly’s feelings, so shotty not.

do you want to get arrested you dipshit

Holly might be a frontrunner as she gets an extended backstory, she’s in marketing and is basically the Miranda Priestly of Sydney-based online fashion.

She forgot to bring a present (fuck!) so instead she pulls the old secret speed-date at the “wine bar” she’s “set up” nearby. The real Elly pulled this stunt with Matt Agnew if I recall, and it went down a TREAT. Jimmy is massively keen on Holly, and she’s a clear favourite so far.

yes of course I put the bar right outside the window just to be a troll

Another Jacinta appears, and we also see Elena who is carrying a stepladder (?) that is never explained. Is she an electrician here to change Jimmy’s flickering bulbs? We’ll never know. A bunch more gals parade through quickly, and unfortunately we know that means they aren’t going to win. BYE.

take your unexplained stepladder and GET OUT

We get the wifey music for Chanel, a flight manager who has prepared a plane simulation for Jimmy. I am giving Chanel 100 props for reclining Jimmy’s seat and falling onto his dick in the process. Majestic.

The Bachelor Australia
can I offer you a warm towel and some even warmer nuts, sir?

Stephanie is a hot gamer who streams herself playing video games and is every nerd’s wet dream. She doesn’t bring Jimmy a present, and tells him she wants two kids instead. A power move.

We’re finally in cocktail party mode and the gals start to mingle. This is when the aforementioned Steph finds out Jimmy is a pilot, because she was too busy requesting his sperm on the red carpet and forgot to ask what he does. She says she’s dated a lot of pilots and she’s not into it, because it transpires her ex-pilots were cheaters.

ew you can have your sperm back Jimmy

Osher enters the room and it’s pandemonium. I swear the girls get more and more hysterical every year when Osh enters the mansion, and have to dislocate their jaws to cope with the emotions.

The Bachelor Australia
*CRACK*

Osh goes through the formalities, and reveals that there is a special key that gives one lucky gal access to the Business Lounge. It’s a place where the gal will have uninterrupted time alone with Jimmy, and whoever gets picked gets the key for the whole season.

This is a huge decision for Jimmy, because what if he picks someone really annoying or worse, Sierah, the girl who arrived with bad gas?

The Bachelor Australia
can’t wait to hotbox that room tbh

Despite her hatred of pilots, Steph steals Jimmy for the first one-on-one chat and everyone has a mild bitch about how she needs to learn to trust people and not assume they’re gonna cheat. Farting Sierah moves in for the kill, now that she’s gone into a quiet corner and dropped a Silent But Deadly, presumably.

ooof do NOT come over here

Hannah is still banging on about her heart-shaped lock, and she and Jimmy write their initials on it and attach it to the gazebo. Cut the the house’s owners taking to that shit with bolt cutters in the morning.

Brooke and Jimmy get extremely close and even do a bit of hand-holding, much to Holly’s annoyance, and she immediately comes gate-crashing. In fact, Jimmy gets to speak to each chick for 40 seconds before the next one comes along saying “Can I steal you?”.

Jimmy hates it! He’s a gentleman! He wants to give everyone time! It’s surreal having 22 girls throwing themselves at you! Cry me a freaking river, mate. It’s The Bachelor Australia, what did you expect?

Elena and Jimmy are about to do a ‘stacked push up’ when we get the biggest stunt arrival of The Bachelor Australia 2021 — a woman on a crane. The other girls label her an “intruder”, which is a bit rich considering they’ve been there for maybe one hour at this point.

The Bachelor Australia
call the guards and shoot her

It’s Lily, she’s a crane operator and simply had to be dropped in from a great height. It works, and she and Jimmy go off for a one on one chat, but of course it’s not for long. It’s cutthroat on The Bachelor Australia, people!

Meanwhile chess enthusiast Jay and Jimmy really hit it off, with the others just openly gaping at them which isn’t weird at all. After their cosy, flirty chat he trots off to get a rose and THE SPECIAL KEY, and then presents them to Jay nervously.

The Bachelor Australia
checkmate, bitch

The others all scream like they’re happy for her but you know they’re plotting to gradually steal her beauty products so she looks like a troll by Day 6.

that watermelon glow recipe mask is mine, bitch

I love that when Osher appears again for the rose ceremony, the reception goes from hysterically happy shrieks to looking like Osher’s just told them their relative has died.

The Bachelor Australia
oh god, not nanna

Osh does use his whispery serious voice here, as he does the maths and sombrely reports that there are 22 women here, and Jimmy has 20 roses to give out. Which means, math geniuses, that two ladies will leave the mansion tonight.

The Bachelor Australia
oh shit now I have to remember these chicks’ names

First rose (aside from Jay) goes to Carly, so we know she’s either a) a frontrunner or b) Jimmy just happened to remember her name first. Lily cops an early rose too, so we know that crane entrances pay off. Take note for next year’s season of The Bachelor Australia, ladies, and arrive on the scoop bit of a large earthmoving device!

Our sour voiceover for tonight comes from farting fortune teller Sierah, who spends the entire time looking like she’s smelled her own material.

The Bachelor Australia
mmm smells like nutmeg

That is, until she cops a rose, then she’s all smiles. After Sierah it’s Steph’s turn to start looking like she’s going to vomit all over the girl in front of her, as the music crescendoes into alarmingly loud drum solos — but of course Steph gets a rose.

It’s Annabelle (who?) and Lauren (huh?) who don’t get roses, and must bid an emotional goodbye to the women they’ve known for all of three hours and the man they spoke to for 35 seconds apiece.

The Bachelor Australia
goodbye, uh, you

Thank god these endless arrivals are done so tomorrow we can finally get to stupid stunt dates and awkward photo shoots! Please join me again for all the fun on the next ep of The Bachelor Australia. Hooroo!