Authorities are on the lookout for a thief who unashamedly pinched a 3-foot mega dildo from an adult store. (You know, the usual.)

The robbery took place on July 14 at Deja Vu Love Boutique in Las Vegas. Store footage caught the masked man heading straight for the dildo, which is aptly-named Moby, before hoisting it over his shoulder and strutting out the front door like he hadn’t just stolen a 3-fucking-foot dildo in broad daylight. He then reportedly chucked the rubber giant in a white car before kicking rocks.

He “just picked it up and walked out with it,” a store employee told HuffPost.

The store has since filed a police report, offering a casual $2K USD for anyone who comes forward with info inevitably leading to Moby’s safe in-store return.

Moby, an 18-kilo beast which claims to be the ‘world’s largest retail dildo’, is usually sold for roughly $1750 AUD, according to the employee.

I am now left with a number of questions, which I will succinctly outline below:

  • What plans does this man have for Moby, the 3-foot dildo?
  • Was a 6-inch not enough?
  • Will he use it as quirky house décor?
  • If one was going to steal – which I’d advise against – wouldn’t you pick something a little less, uh, in-your-face than a 3-foot dildo?

(Yes, I’m trying to say ‘3-foot dildo’ as much as possible. It’s rare that I get to write about such a fine phenomenon.)

Anyway, these are the questions that will keep me up at night. Check out the full security footage below, courtesy of TMZ.

Now it’s time to find dildo thief!

Image: Deja Vu Love Boutique Las Vegas / TMZ