When you’re single in isolation, accidentally finding yourself in 14 cyber relationships comes with the territory. 

Becoming embroiled in a spider web of virtual spouses makes sense amid a global pandemic, after all – you’ve been cut off from the outside world, you then started to feel a little vulnerable in the lonely hour and turned to your DMs, only to find a cesspool of messages from long-lost exes, half-baked emoji reacts or shots being generally shooted (new word).

You blink twice, swipe or scroll a couple times, and oop – you’re accidentally cyber-married to Steve, Michael, Jenny, Luka, Jesus, Betty, Diamond, Ebony and Bob. It happens.

And now that life is slowly returning to normal – slowly – you’re starting to realise that you talked a mad, horny game through the phone, and aren’t sure how feasible it is to keep up these love affairs once restrictions subside.

It’s decision time. You have one rose emoji and one rose emoji only (unless you’re poly, in which case, keep on spreading the virtual love and please disregard this entire piece).

I’ve compiled a list of very fun and enlightening activities that have been scientifically proven* to help you prune your iso partners away and inevitably find the post-iso one. How fun! Let’s begin!

ROUND 1: TEXTING

In the first round, take a look at their respective texting styles. Do they unironically abbreviate words like it’s 2005? Do they overuse the laugh-crying emoji? Do they mistake ‘you’re’ for ‘your’? Snip, snip, bitch. It’s pruning season.

ROUND 2: LOCATION

As great as it would be to visit your newfound Peruvian boo and wed on the beaches of Lima, that won’t be too likely for at least the foreseeable future. Think locally, for now (if Peruvian boo loves you, they’ll still be there).

ROUND 3: SHOW ‘EM THE MADNESS

If they can’t handle you in your most chaotic state, they don’t deserve you when you’re heaps nonchalant and chill. Really, really chill. Like, so chill.

With this in mind, why not send all your iso partners the same chaotic text and see how they all respond? Seems foolproof to me.

I suggest keeping it succinct and pointed – something like “I’ve stashed the body in the trunk… Oh wait, you aren’t my cousin! Never mind! Ignore this.”

FINAL 3: ZOOM

At this stage, you should have dwindled your post-iso candidates down to a sensible 3. I think it would now be a very fun and wise idea if you invited them into the same zoom call and hosted a Bachelorette-style Q&A. Questions to ask them include – but are not limited to – “why do you like me so much?” and “why am I so great?”

FINAL 2: POWER PRESENTATIONS

You guessed it. The final two have to create a PowerPoint presentation, complete with at least three (3) slides outlining why they think you two’d work in the Outside World™. Bonus points for Comic Sans, text transitions, GIFs of Kris Jenner and references to wine.

And now the decision’s yours. I wish you all the best with your journey to find post-iso love.

* not scientifically proven.

Image: you rn