We’re back on the trash-train that is Married At First Sight, and already I am far – far – from disappointed. Tonight’s sham weddings gave us an inexplicably self-adoring 50-year-old bloke who I equally inexplicably love with my entire heart, a bride with alopecia that she’s determined to hide from her husband, an intolerable millionaire, and a trio of bridesmaids/mafia footsoldiers who’ve put the fear of god into grooms-to-be throughout the country.
We meet Gabrielle, a genuinely lovely-seeming woman who lost her hair at age 11, her bizarrely domineering twin sister Kerrie, and her future husband, Nasser. I love Nasser, and so does most of Australia. This profoundly weird unit with very well manicured eyebrows is 50 (as he will not stop telling us), runs fitness classes for his fellow middle-agers, and is not shy about telling Gabrielle how much of a catch she is.
Australia approves – particularly after he balks when he finds out Gabrielle has a kid, and then very sensibly allows himself to be talked ’round by his good-hearted, reasonable friends.
“I’m set in my ways, but I need to change,” he says, and we all collectively sigh dreamily because the bar for heterosexual men truly is set so low it is on the fucking ground.
Nasser’s friends are amazingly supportive!!! Full of wisdom and brilliant advice👍👍👍#MAFS #marriedAu #MarriedAtFirstSight
— Trent (@TDBrownNguyen) February 5, 2018
Nasser is a true gentlemen who is in it for all the right reasons @MarriedAU #MarriedAtFirstSight #MarriedAU #MAFS #9Married pic.twitter.com/xn0wLRlb0b
— Georgia 🦋 (@georgia_barone) February 5, 2018
https://twitter.com/anncgee/status/960463341666820097
Our other wedding features millionaire “entrepreneur” (what does this even mean) Justin, who’s about to get hitched to Melbourne marketing whiz Carly, and also possibly waterboarded by Carly’s bridesmaids.
This occurs after Justin makes the classic rich fuck mistake of bragging about how great he is, and tells Carly that he “always gets what he wants”. Aside from this being dubious because, as Carly points out, why the hell is he on a televised dating show if he always gets want he wants, it’s also just kinda weird.
She sends her mates to interrogate him, i.e. bully him until he goes red as a beet and finally fesses up that he has two kids.
Carly’s bridesmaids are not convinced… Can Justin prove he’s the perfect match? #MAFS pic.twitter.com/vP45eKz3jc
— Married At First Sight (@MarriedAU) February 5, 2018
Yeah so ‘I get what I want’… THAT IS ABOUT BUSINESS, MATE, NOT RELATIONSHIPS! #thisiswhyheissingle #MAFS
— kane jason (@barista_kane) February 5, 2018
https://twitter.com/AineFRyan/status/960449362982653953
Carly’s bridesmaids are THE BEST. #MAFS pic.twitter.com/scXqZvWhgr
— 9Honey (@9HoneyAU) February 5, 2018
These bridesmaids in black should have their own tv show 😂 #mafs
— eeeeelllllliiiiissssaaaa (@Elllliiiissaaa) February 5, 2018
If what he wanted was a thorough grilling from a bunch of women who are definitely boat-drunk (one boat drink = three landlubber drinks, it’s science), then Justin got it. As for the rest of us, we got what we came for: needless, producer-inflicted drama, and the chance to make snap judgements about people we’ve never met. LIVING FOR IT, TBH.
