‘MAFS’ RECAP: Put Your Dildos Out For Connie & Mishel, Our Horny Brides Not Getting Any


It’s time for a MAFS dinner party! I had high hopes for this one given everyone was going to bitch about couples TO THEIR FACES, which is chaos, but it was less spicy than I expected. Still, spice was to be had, of course. Let’s get into it.

So we get a bit more of the home stays first. Connie apologises to Jonethen about her Magnum PI mates who grilled him mercilessly about his intentions. Mishel cries because her mum doesn’t think she/Steve work as a married couple. Michael roasts Stacey for having never worked in her life. It’s all very non-eventful.

Meanwhile, Lizzie takes Seb to see her parents. Remember how they grilled him at her wedding? Mumma Lizzie goes IN again. I love this woman.

the queen we do not deserve

First, she grills him about his unfinished degrees. Then, about his job as a construction worker and personal trainer. THEN, about the fact he has no savings. She feels he’s not very serious about money, and to be honest it doesn’t SOUND like money is a priority for the dude, which is totally fine for him as a person. But it is not fine for Mumma Lizzie.

She later clarifies, saying she likes stability and someone who knows what they want, and a deposit (lol). Basically, she wants someone financially stable for her kid, which makes sense as a mum but it’s also Seb’s prerogative if he wants to spend all his money on like… sea monkeys.

Over with KC and Drew, KC’s done waiting to fuck. She wants to fuck – NOW. She’s decided to drop hints to get Drew on board. The hints seem to just involve wiping sunscreen on her boobs:

just gotta SPF the girls every five minutes, it’s science

We check in on Lizzie and Seb, who have a convo about what her parents said. But, of course, Lizzie’s all “I’m my own person/this relationship is great”. Because their relationship is actually perfect – TOO perfect for this SHOW so they have to invent problems! Which is lovely for her, obviously. Just boring for me.

Everyone returns to the serviced apartments from hell. Honestly, the real purpose of this experiment is seeing how quickly people lose their minds when cordoned off in dinky, soulless apartments. These battlers did self-isolation before it was cool.

Prep prep prep for the dinner party. KC has crimped her hair and I can’t decide if it’s amazing or if she looks like Nikki Webster circa Strawberry Kisses.

Nothing’s as sweet, the taste still drives me craaaazy

Side note – she and Drew DID fuck, so there you bloody go. Wiping your boobs with sunscreen is how you do it, folks! They’re pretty loved up, and I’m finding it… adorable? God I hate myself right now.

Bam! All the couples get a red envelope shoved under their door by the ghost of Hayley (probably). In it there are instructions to give feedback to the other couples, and in return they will also get feedback. Hot DAMN that is some good tea, producers. Well done.

Also, what the fuck Mishel and Steve? Why are YOU guys now obsessed with plushies?

stop trying to make the sleepy kangaroos happen, they’re not going to happen

Of course, The Smunts are fucking loving this game sick.

you absolutely KNOW Michael has a hard on watching Stacey write smunty stuff about others

They rock up first to the dinner. Then come Lizzie and Seb. They discuss Seb’s grilling from Lizzie’s mum, and of course Lizzie has to bring up LAST experiment. Again. For the billionth time.

guys IDK if I’ve told you this but I was on MAFS last year

Everyone else rocks up. KC tells Stacey she’s gone to Bonetown and Horny Trisha looks beside herself with glee as she watches on from that weird surveillance room.

Connie and Jonethen arrive all subdued, and Mishel goes to talk to Connie because she’s at peak long-suffering colonial housewife. There’s this excellent bit where they’re bitching about Jonnie and then he WALKS OVER TO GET A BEER OH GOD.

oh my god this gave me hives

Anyway, after I had a calming Milo I rewound to watch what they were even talking about. Mishel thinks there’s a spark between Connie and Jonethen, but “whether it’s what he wants is the question”. I think we can safely say it’s NOT what he wants, Mishel, since the guy has written “leave” two weeks in a row. Now who is giving Connie mixed messages, eh? EH?

Seb shows everyone his disgusting MAFS tattoo. There’s this brilliant moment where Jonnie asks Michael what his toes are like and he goes in this deep, sexual voice:

this is a real mood

Then it’s time for the dinner party. Before we get to see everyone utterly destroyed with invasive questions about their darkest relationship secrets, we have to hear about Mishel’s bunion surgery and Steve’s “dodgy toenail”. Wot.

“and then the doctor peeled it off”

Anyway, the waiter who is probably like I have not been paid enough for this mess comes in with the cards.

Lizzie and Seb are up first. It’s hyper-boring. The first question is why Lizzie decides to involve herself in everyone’s business when she’s been there two seconds, and when she asks the room when has she ever done that everyone just looks at the table?? And avoids answering?? Then the second is if she’d move to Adelaide to be with Seb, but he says he will move to Newy.

I’m genuinely happy for them, like yay some actual love coming out of this show, but Christ it’s boring to watch.

sorry what happened I just had a microsleep

Then it’s on to Connie and Jonethen. Yes! Finally some SPICE up in here! Their first question is Snoozetown USA though – do they CoMmUnIcAtE WeLl.

Jonethen goes on this whole unending, nonsensical spiel about learning to read Connie etc etc. Lizzie takes offence at this because she still reckons he’s been sending mixed signals, and then she point blank does what her first card accused her of – inserting herself into their relationship even though she’s been here two seconds.

She calls him for bullshit and he is like, no it’s not bullshit, blah blah the best bit is Jonnie’s sassy sip of sparkling water:

living for this energy

The convo then moves on to their ~intimacy~. Michael (of course it’s Michael) asks why they don’t just have a screw and see what happens. Weirdly, the experts seem to be backing this move, sort of. Connie is at level 100, telling every human and also inanimate object that she’s 100% DTF, but Jonnie isn’t. Naturally, Pastor Steve The Celibate backs Jonnie’s decision not to bone unless he’s feeling it with a sage nod.

a wise decision, my child

Everyone is railing on Jonethen over the sex thing, most especially Connie who has possibly hit the proseccos a bit too hard. In the end he tells everyone to shut the fuck up and says he OnLy HaS SeX WhEn He FeElS FeElInGs. Yeah righto.

Again, Pastor Steve The Celibate loves his new disciple.

Eventually Connie point blank asks if he’s attracted to her. THANK GOD. FINALLY. After the ad break we all hear what we’ve known since 400 years ago before the wheel was invented – no, Jonnie is not attracted to Connie.

But! He buffers it by explaining he does think she is attractive! She’s funny and beautiful! Okay am I taking crazy pills or was all of this VERY, VERY CLEAR and not at all mixed messages? He’s not into you, but he’s also not saying you’re a grot piece of shit. Clear? Clear to me.

Apparently everyone else including our Wise Experts found this to be a mixed message. What do they want him to say? “I’m not attracted to you cya”. Imagine how crushed she would be!

Connie’s like “NOPE it’s that I’m attractive or I’m not.” Nooooooo sweet Connie! I hate this! Some dude not being into you does not equal you being a cave monster. LOVE YOURSELF BB.

Anyway. Next is Michael and Stacey. You’d think The Smunts would be primo entertainment in this game, but in the end they’re boring as shit. They have such a tight lockdown on how they deal with The Hayley Scandal, it’s like they’re politicians. They basically get asked about the cheating (didn’t happen/if it did he’s sorry), trust (still developing) and who knows what else, I had another microsleep.

KC and Drew are next. Drew will move to Cronulla for KC (NOT Sydney, he is very specific about this), but KC won’t move to Cairns for Drew.

but i thought we could live harmoniously with my platonic housemate Jessie whomst I love

Their other question is whether they’ve had sex, and KC tells everyone they have. She then launches into a lengthy, gushy monologue about how sex BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER, and HOW GREAT their relationship is now they’ve fucked. Cue a camera cut to Connie:

love this for me

And Mishel, the two gals not getting any on 2020 MAFS:

yeah fuck yas

Next is Mishel and Steve, and naturally they’re asked about intimacy. They blather on as a united front about hand holding and emotions, but then KC calls bullshit and it’s like Mishel has been touched by the hand of the universe and brought into the light.

She’s like “I HAVE HAD AN EPIPHANY” and says this is a pattern, she always tries to make guys like her. Steve’s like:

well this isn’t where I expected this to go, I was thinking a one second cuddle for next steps

In the end she finishes the spiel by saying she doesn’t know what she’ll write at the commitment ceremony tomorrow.

SPEAKING OF – holy fuck was that trailer not intense as shit? What is Connie going to SAY! I hope she’s ok. Thinking of you, our shark loving friend.

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.