‘MAFS’ RECAP: All It Took For Stacey To Forgive Michael Was This Psychotic Cheese Board

MAFS

I have to say, as enjoyable as it was to watch Lizzie Sobinoff’s new MAFS husband Seb get (maybe) a stiffy just from kissing her, the introduction to the two new couples bored me. No thanks! I have enough people whose relationships I am unreasonably invested in, I don’t need two more – especially when one is surely just here to pimp his music career.

So I was pretty happy to see that today we’re back to following these other car crash couples.

First, we check in with the newbies. Nothing to see here – Drew and KC were up all night talking, Lizzie is has some bad juju after her experience last season. MOVING ALONG! Stacey – who could have absolutely just marched off the show, seriously no one is keeping her here – is going on and on about how Michael destroyed them, and she’d never do that to him, and it was so hurtful. Even though she’s sharing a bed with him. Do you smell a waft of bullshit? Because I do.

i can’t believe you cheated on me, i’m a lawyer

Meanwhile, Fun City Arizona Connie tells us she just wants to get back to having FUN, because she’s so FUN and just wants to have FUN. Which is totally why she creates a Misery Wall where she makes Jonnie write down all the things he needs to improve, and all the things she needs to improve! Sounds heaps fun!!

you know what’s super fun, writing your relationship problems on a wall to stare at

Jonnie’s thrilled, obviously.

can’t i just buy you a bowling ball

In the end, the Misery Wall looks like this:

wow even I’m feeling shit about myself

Sorry, but what the fuck? This is so fucking intense. No one should pretend to be the “cool girl”, but there’s also definitely grounds to say people should CHILL OUT A BIT SOMETIMES. Nothing is more off-putting in a relationship than someone telling you every single thing, in a list, that is wrong with you. With exclamation marks. And underlines. AND CAPITALS.

It’s too much, and you can see Jonnie’s like… maybe I am done with this relationship. Same, tbh.

In classic we-blew-the-budget energy, it seems the producers couldn’t be fucked flying Lizzie/Seb and Drew/KC anywhere, so they’ve ended up in Port Macquarie and Terrigal respectively for their honeymoons.

ah yes the sludgy cenny coast waters

Before we get to see them start hating each other / having sex (or both), we revisit Cathy and Josh. They’re repairing their marriage by having FUN, because everyone is just trying to have FORCED FUN today! Their idea of fun? What looks to me like a CrossFit session disguised as a play gym for adults.

why does this feel like secretly building tricep strength

You know who else is in Fun City Arizona? Mishel and Steve. Actually, nothing is cuter than their date – Mishel convinces Steve, who has a phobia of drowning after a horrific incident as a kid, to go kayaking. He’s clearly shit-scared but bites the bullet, and ends up really enjoying it.

I LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD

It was PREEEETTY fucked that Mishel was pressuring him into kayaking when he has a real, actual phobia of the water, but I did feel like he made the decision in the end. And it was cute! I got a bit emotional – fuck you, MAFS producers.

Over on Lizzie and Seb’s honeymoon – Seb’s planned a surprise. Strawberry picking.  STRAWBERRY. PICKING.

SAVAGE MOVE, PRODUCERS.

ICYMI, last season Lizzie in a last ditch attempt to make her/Sam work tried seduction strawberries and he was a real dick about it.

KC and Drew are frolicking in the pool, and kissing so chastely I have become the reverse of turned on.

wow i just un-came

But their romantic honeymoon is OVERSHADOWED by PLUSH RICK.

you thought i was lying but no, it really was a rick and morty plushie

Why is this stupid plush toy ruining Drew and KC’s love? Because Drew’s girl housemate gave it to him to take away on the experiment. Super normal stuff.

yes that is from my live-in girlfriend Jessie whomst I love

Back to Connie & Jonnie – they’ve gone to bowls (not bowling) with Aleks and Ivan.

Ivan asks Connie how things have gone since the “leave” debacle, and Connie like, aggressively screams in his face that she’s back to original Connie!!!! And Jonnie is just so HAPPY to see ORIGINAL CONNIE!!! And they’re doing SO GOOD!!!!

Which would be alarming but also cool, if Jonnie wasn’t like:

this is a bald-faced lie

He is not on the same page as Connie here. Watch this space.

In truly psycho areas, Jonnie asks Ivan how their PHYSICAL INTIMACY IS GOING. It’s quite clearly a question he’s been fed by producers, but it is still chaotic. Ivan is like, can you not? My sex life is private. And fair fucking enough. If you weren’t on a national dating show where we all dissect your relationship.

It is quite funny though because then it’s all Ivan trying to give validation to why they (clearly) haven’t boned, while also clearly wanting to secretly bone.

look at his eyes, they say please Aleks, may I cup one boob?

We stan a respectful man, though. Props to Ivan for not making it weird that Aleks wants to take things slow, and shutting the convo down.

Back to Mishel and Steve – oh boy. Basically, Steve decides he needs to talk to Mishel about where they’re at in their relationship. He makes the same grave error Tash made with Amanda – he decides to tell her that, right now, he’s not physically attracted to her.

Sorry WHAT NOW

Mishel takes it personally (who wouldn’t tbh) even though Steve stresses that he wants to work on it. Except when Mishel suggests they, you know, kiss more passionately and stuff, he’s like oh no no, not like THAT.

no let’s work on it by going kayaking, my new favourite pastime

It’s all bad. It is ALL bad. I don’t really see how they’ll come back from this, to be honest. Mishel is hurt, understandably. Steve isn’t really getting why she’s hurt, bafflingly. I’m calling it – this is their last week.

Blah blah, Lizzie is playing throwsy the ballsy (seriously, what were they playing) with Seb, but then he says “you cheated”, and sets Lizzie off again with the flashbacks to last season. I guess it’s fair enough?? Like she had a rough fucking time and then had to watch all the secret shit at the reunion, too. Genuinely would be traumatic.

But I’m also wondering if the producers are MAKING her do some of these flashbacks in case we forget that she was on last season. Is it going to go on forever? Oh, Seb wore jeans, oh god it reminds me of the time Sam wore jeans. Seb uses two pillows, oh god Sam used two pillows. Seb wore a 2003 Supre dress, oh god Ines wore a 2003 Supre dress (never 4get).

Meanwhile, things have gone from chaste kisses to a true bin fire over with Drew and KC. They’ve started a lovely argument about whether Drew’s closeness with his housemate (live-in secret girlfriend) is normal or not. KC wants him to say he’d put her above any other girl in his life, he’s like “um that’s a bit much.” Is it??? A bit much??? To say that???

On one hand, KC is being ridiculous asking this on their third day together. Also, Drew can have female friends! He can also live with a woman platonically (he’s not but, I swear to god she will be revealed to be a secret gf). But also, Drew probably should be prepared to put the woman he’s MARRIED TO above a girl mate. If she’s just a mate.

just here thinking about my mate, Jessie whomst I love

Back to Lizzie and Seb – he’s organised a romantic dinner for them, at which he proceeds to become a stage 5 clinger and tells her he could see himself falling in love with her. She is alarmed, which is a very valid response.

ok i went from emotionally unavailable douche to possible serial killer, too much of a swing

I wonder if she smells bullshit, because it SOUNDS like bullshit – how can you see yourself falling in love with someone you’ve spent 48 hours with? I’m suss on this guy.

But then she’s like, yes I see a future with you. She’s less intense than Seb but clearly isn’t thinking he’s a sociopath just out for media attention, so.

Back to Michael and Stacey! Michael’s created a portal to my own private hell – a rooftop apertif with him, in Sydney smog, with a hand-written letter that has a love heart exclamation mark on it.

HELL

When Stacey gets up there, she’s greeted with this:

OH GOD
ARE THOSE SNAKES. AND STRAWBERRIES TWO WAYS
YES STABBING THE KNIFE INTO THE CHEESEBOARD, THAT’S CHIC

Yep, a psychopath’s cheeseboard, as my colleague Louis put it, with snakes (!!!) and Michael sitting there waiting to be talked to. Christ alive, no.

Anyway, apparently this is all it takes to win Stacey back when you’ve cheated on her and lied repeatedly, because she kisses him and all is well again.

aww babe, this $12.50 bargain bin board shows your love for me

Back to Connie and Jonnie. Connie thinks everything is going swimmingly with them, except it… isn’t. Jonnie feels like he hasn’t been himself all week because of the Misery Wall, which has left him hyper-aware of his flaws – and is now questioning everything about their relationship. He decides to drop all of this on Connie midway through a very romantic date, which reminds me of the time my boyfriend broke up with me while we were lying in bed spooning.

yeah so i know i just hand-fed you cheese but also i’m not into ya

Connie’s thrown – which is a bit ridiculous. She just seems very not-self-aware, don’t you reckon? It was pretty clear the entire week has been steered by her, it makes sense JonEthEn’s feeling a bit off it. At the very least, I think she could be a bit empathetic to the fact she forced a Misery Wall on the man and it’s MAYBE made him feel a bit, well, full of misery.

Still, these guys were once my favourite couple! This plus Mishel/Steve being on the rocks leaves me with little hope, guys. Are we doomed to just watch the worst couples glide into the finale? Please say no! I simply cannot be rooting for The Smunts because they’re all that’s left.

Until tomorrow, which is the dinner party, which means it’s the best night of the week!

Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.

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