We’re back for a FINAL MAFS COMMITMENT CEREMONY! What times we’ve had. One cheating scandal. A cheeseboard with Allen’s Snakes on it. A Misery Wall filled with relationship problems to stare at daily. That couple who were so beige and non-filmed I’ve forgotten their names. Just good times, great classic gits. I mean hits. Hehehe.
Folks, I would just like to pre-warn you that I’m on holidays in the NT and I’m currently halfway through this bad boy:
So I’m tipsy to say the least and this MAY be a bin fire of a recap. Who cares though, right?! You’re here with me through sickness and health, it’s just like we got married on MAFS except you were asleep and didn’t know it was happening.
Of course we have to endure a bunch of couples talking nonsense before we get to the good shit, so to sum it up – KC and Seb are going swell, as are Lizzie and Drew. Lizzie loves how Seb defended her at the dinner party. They’re also now dressing the same, so there’s that chestnut.
Mishel is crying because she loves Steve but feels their lack of sexual chemistry means they’ve failed the experiment. Here’s the thing, I don’t fucking care? I just think this whole “we can’t even share a bed” business has gone on for so long that I’ve forgotten why we are even here on this planet anymore.
Connie is banging on about mixed signals. Hell, the SHOW is banging on about Jonnie sending mixed signals, and yet again I feel I’m taking crazy pills – THE MAN. WROTE LEAVE. TWICE. IN A FORTNIGHT. HE ALSO. HAS POINT BLANK. SAID HE DOESN’T. WANT TO BONE HER. It’s shit news for any person crushing on someone else, but it is right fucking there! If anything, now it’s like the experts are leading Connie on.
Anyway, Connie’s also gone mad with the texta elsewhere in the house away from the Misery Board, which I assume still stands:
People go off to chat in clumps about their relationships. KC is frothing Drew, Mishel tells Connie she doesn’t see her life without Steve (okaaaaaay I’m sure you’ll survive beb you’ve known the guy eight weeks) and Michael is bored shitless of Jonethen’s gasbagging about liking Connie but not LIKE liking Connie.
Also Connie is drinking some SUSS tea, you guys. It’s very scary looking! Like small bits of smooshy bark that keep sliding all up the walls of the cup.
Like my theory about the poisoned tea may not be a conspiracy after all, what the fuck is this shit she’s pushing around the rim:
Moving along to the actual goddamn ceremony, that always takes 450 years to get tooooo my god just get to the good shit, MAFS! First couple up are Mishel and Steve. Immediately, talk turns to intimacy and Horny Trisha asks them if they shared a bed. Mishel says no. Horny Trisha is very disappointed in them.
Mishel gives this incredibly moving speech – I’m not even being sarcastic, I welled up a bit, probably because I’m drunk – about how much she loves Steve, and can’t imagine him not in her life. She says that while things haven’t turned romantic right now, she feels that one day they will. MISHEL YOU SWEET PRINCE.
Steve shocks us all by RUDELY REVEALING HE IS A FUCKBOY. Steve is a fuckboy! We’ve worked out the secret!
My god, guys – when Mel asks him what he thinks about Mishel’s belief that romance IS on the cards in the future, he does the classic shit-dude thing of being like “well, who KNOWS what the future holds, maybe tomorrow, maybe never we don’t know!”
If you haven’t heard that iconic line, you haven’t been single at any point years 2010 – 2020.
Eventually, Wise John gives it to them straight – they started as friends, they’ve finished as friends. He even sasses them with “we’re having the same convo we’ve been having for the last bloody five commitment ceremonies you chunts.”
Steve just keeps blah blah blahing but not really saying anything. Lizzie during this process is a real mood:
It is so goddamn clear they are JUST MATES and Steve is now LEADING MISHEL THE FUCK ON, but poor Mishel is in love with the guy. She chaotically writes Stay!
As a side note is anyone else sexually turned on when John says “GOOD” whenever anyone is like “yeah I’m frustrated/mad/angry”? Ooft.
Admit it. You are. We’re all friends here, it’s okay to have an alarming crush on John only when he says “GOOD”.
Anyway, they both write stay – as do KC and Drew. Why am I not deep diving KC and Drew? Coz they’re happy and there is nothing fun about happy people who stay happy. Just out here being happy! If anything they took up precious air time with all their happy.
Then it’s Michael and Stacey. Basically, Michael has to go back to Melbourne to work for 3 months. It means a long distance relationship for them, and they both look unsure about how it’ll work. I forgot to mention this 40 years ago in this recap. But I’m mentioning it now!!! I never deny you the facts, my friends.
I’m 90% confident that Stacey got her botox topped up in Adelaide (no shame, I love botox, let women do what they want etc) and it hasn’t yet settled so who the fuck knows what she’s thinking. It might be the best trick in the MAFS poker face book, actually. TAKE NOTE.
They both write stay, even though Stacey is a bit unsure about whether long distance will work for them. The experts say they’ve been through heaps and should get through this. To that I say, what – like how they got through Michael cheating by just brushing it under the rug and pretending Hayley is demon spawn from hell? Super solid foundation right here!!
Then we have… CONNIE AND JONNIE. Obviously we were all just waiting for this because a) when is this dead horse going to actually die and b) we are sick fucks that like watching people break up. Admit it! I feel sad but also a sick sense of enjoyment! Haha I’m the worst!
Anyway, we start out with a very, very spacey Connie. She’s clearly rattled and it’s kind of alarming to watch in that way of like, can we please get this woman a cold flannel and some comforting Milo.
The woman has spiralled into another dimension and you can tell Jonethen / the experts are oscillating between alarmed-we-need-to-do-something and pretend-she’s-fine-and-not-passing-out. So Jonnie does all the talking, it’s the same shit, the feelings haven’t developed. He writes leave, as we all expected.
THEN Connie is asked for her decision and completely breaks down. I actually got super emotional because I’m the fuckwit who has become emotionally invested in these people, and I really like Connie and don’t like seeing her feel shit.
Yet, in a very real way, her refusing to write leave for the last 4 million weeks, when Jonethen has consistently shown very little interest in her, and her mum is like “get the fuck off this show”, and her friends hate her husband, and his friends hate their relationship… I mean all of that has really created the shitness, so I’m quite conflicted. Like are you adorably naive and need to be protected like a baby bird or are you a psychopathic masochist, we don’t know.
She goes off for a breather and Jonnie goes with her. They have a quick “you can do this chat” before returning for her to make her decision.
In the most chaotic areas we’ve seen this season, Connie vomits out the word “stay”. YES, FOLKS, SHE IS STAYING. Even though Jonethen has now said 4,535 times that he’s not attracted to her and doesn’t want a relationship with her. Even though she is literally decomposing as a human waiting for Jonnie to have one (1) little sexual twitch in her direction.
The experts try and spin this absolute anarchy into a positive, saying ohhh Connie you’re so strong, this is so brave, you’re so resilient. I’m sorry – IS IT BRAVE? ISN’T IT JUST FUCKING UNHINGED?
I’d say Connie working through their shit in previous episodes has been brave/resilient/live laugh love but I would not say continuing to ignore someone clearly (and it has been clear) telling you they don’t fancy you is brave.
That would be like telling that dude on a dating app who keeps texting me “hey” “hi” “how are you” “how was your weekend” every four days when I’ve NEVER RESPONDED that actually, he is brave and resilient not behaving in a truly illogical and frankly batshit manner.
Sigh. I still love you Connie. You’re impossible not to love. But also PULL YOUR HEAD IN YOU BEAUTIFUL BITCH.
Melissa Mason is the Managing Editor (Sydney) at Pedestrian. She’s also the co-host of the All Aussie Mystery Hour podcast, and posts shit content on Instagram.
