“I’ll get my life together once MAFS ends” is a real thing I said to my mum last year. The unashamedly dramatic show consumes your life and renders you absolutely useless and unproductive for the 4 nights a week it airs (unless you’ve mastered kegeling during the ad breaks).
I avoided MAFS for its first few seasons. If you asked me, it was a dumb, immoral show for people with half a brain cell, until I fucking watched it for 5 seconds. It’s safe to say I’ve been pulled into its dramatic vortex for two seasons now and couldn’t be happier when I watch it – I even have a little MAFS dance I do as it starts – and I have been counting down the days until the premiere for this season, and it’s Christmas Eve baby!!!
Here are my predictions for everything that will happen during wedding week, so move over experts, I am the expert now.
1.Elizabeth Will Say “I’m Back Bitches” To Camera 97 Times
Complete with montage of Sam and Innes of course. Fair, Sam was as shitty as his mid season hair cut, and I’m happy that she gets a second chance to find love and followers but I am not looking forward/ so looking forward to her riding the wave of her victim pity paired with her veteran status within the MAFSsphere by yelling this down the barrel of the camera way too many times.
2. The Experts Will State The Very Fucking Obvious
The experts are about as articulate as your stoner uncle. After watching the sad introduction of one of the participants, who may have been cheated on in every relationship they have ever been with and had a puppy killed by an ex in the process the most advanced thing the experts will say is like “I think Sarah may have been hurt in the past”, to which the other experts will nod their head in agreeance.
3. Pre Wedding Breakdown In Car
There is always one bride who realises the ridiculousness of what she is about to do just as she’s scheduled to exit the car and walk down the aisle. Channel 9 will manage to play the audio of her saying “I CAN’T DO THIS, WHAT AM I DOINGGGG” at least 5 times, once before each ad break in the “coming up” montage and three times during the actual scene. This will be paired with footage of the groom awkwardly waiting for her arrival. Delicious.
4. A Groom Will Be Made To Sleep On The Couch On Their Wedding Night
Or the bride will build a pillow wall in the middle of the bed. This only happens when she is tres disappointed and is always a good lol. #BillyandSuzy.
5. Family Complications
At some point this week all the following family mishaps are bound to happen, these aren’t 99.9% chance, these are 100%:
a) A parent of the bride/ groom doesn’t show to the wedding
b) An overly tattooed overprotective sibling rants to the camera for 10 minutes, the only part of the show that doesn’t need to be edited for dramatic effect
c) The father of the bride will give speech to the groom that isn’t not a death threat
d) a sister bridesmaid will fall over
miss u suzy’s dad
8. You are going to feel genuinely hopeful for one couple
Love is not easy to come across in this day and age, and you will feel for at least one participant with a nice personality and a sad story. They will be paired with someone equally nice, and it will give you one good reason to keep you watching for the rest of the season.
9. Someone will reference “King Ding-A-Ling”
And hopefully its Cyrell.
