CONTENT WARNING: This article discusses domestic violence and mental health issues.
Another MAFS 2022 recap with so many questions still to be answered.
Will Selin retrieve Anthony from the bus she’s thrown him under? Will Holly and Deep South Daddy be able to recover from the vacant roots? Time to find out!
Everyone’s moving in together, and the couples are excited to see their names on the doors like it’s the first time MAFS has ever done this.
Unfortunately Al‘s mum isn’t there to open the door to his new home with Sam for the next few weeks, and Brent has laid down some house rules for Ballarat Paris. She is not allowed to bring her fake tan into the bed with her fake toenail.
Meanwhile, Holly is burning Deep South Daddy in some sage that’ll rid the room of shame-fucc energy. Of course she has a “love” letter block.
Al pops his washing machine cherry and someone has cleaned up Anthony off the side of the road and helped him into his new room, alone.
All the couples have pictures from their MAFS wedding day in their new rooms, including this one of Baby Seal Mitch and Ella, where they have very clearly superimposed Ella’s head onto someone else’s body.
Jackson and Baby Seal immediately take off their clothes in a battle to be MAFS‘ reigning rooters.
Princess Bogan is clearly feeling comfortable with her Nice Guy hubby, and has whipped out her LED face mask to mark the next phase of the relationship. She has a phenomenal face so I will not fight it.
The MAFS experts deliver USB sticks where they declare it is Confessions Week. Mitch and Ella get a head start by confessing they are a “bad, bad boy” and a “bad, bad bitch”, to which a clothed Mitch responds, “good”.
First up is Holly and Deep South Daddy, who is still chainsawing home “brutal honesty”. I am not excited for another “confronting” exchange between these two.
He starts reading his confession.
“Holly, I love sex.”
“I love exploring sex and I love celebrating sex.”
“I am a very sexual person and have had roughly 350 sexual partners in the past.”
“This may be shocking to you, and you are allowed to feel whatever feelings come natural to you after hearing this.”
“So…350… do you keep a list? Like, mental note, how do you…?” Holly asks.
He whips out the calculator.
“Single for 7 years.”
“52 weeks in a year.”
“Sexual partner every year for 7 years gives you about 350.”
That is… not good math.
“One a week,” he confirms, explaining the tally spans several continents. Doll, I don’t feel like this is the time to be listing “worldly” as a personality trait.
He hopes that this will bring some more “heat” in the bedroom. “You would benefit from my experience in the bedroom,” he declares. I am unwell.
“Cool,” responds Holly. TEE HEE.
It’s lucky these two are forced to spend the next several weeks with each another. I would be running to any continent he hasn’t been to if he was motivationally speaking me into reverse cowgirl.
Oh fucking hell. Now he’s enforcing rules.
“No pegging. I’m not like down with going down that road with you.”
I love this. He’s all like “be more, do more” but draws the line at a dildo up the texasshole.
“Ok, I don’t know what this is. I’ll have to google that,” responds Holly and babe, word to the wise here, do not Google Image that shit.
She’s not stoked on the situation but is happy that he “didn’t murder someone”. Does dignity and self-respect count as “someone”? She’s not going to judge him based off a number, which is very honourable and no one should, but I give her full permission to judge him on everything else.
Holly’s turn! She shares her desire to have a baby, and how she’s worried this urgency will scare him off. She is very vulnerable about this and (so far) Andrew is being supportive and listening.
But to the producers, he says, “I feel like it’s almost too much pressure on me. Like we’re still getting to know each other and I’m just not there yet with her. I’m just not sure that’s what I want.”
This is understandable. They haven’t known each other any longer than a week right now, but it’s also saddening that Holly’s fears of scaring him off are already starting to come true.
Ballarat Paris is now watching her MAFS audition tape back with Brent by her side. In it, she says that she doesn’t want someone with “no money.” She continues, “I know that sounds quite vain or whatever, but it’s true.”
She’s also not interested in someone who wears fake designer clothes and sorry… but does anyone disagree?
“That’s not a down to earth person, you realise that, right?” says Brent. “That was a terrible thing to watch.”
She starts crying to camera saying she has reasons for saying the things she did, and that it’s because she doesn’t want to have to look after someone. If you know, you know.
She gives context to Brent and he supports her in saying that she’s not the person in the videos when she’s with him. How did this relationship become so healthy? I… like them?
Hell on earth – the MAFS photo ranking task is back. It’s so fucked and brutal AND I LOVE IT.
Al puts Holly last because “she’s like a mum” but then puts Selin first because she’s a “MILF”. Let that sink in.
Sam puts Mitch last and Al literally starts having an ego party after being threatened by the Baby Seal’s hairless hotness since the Bucks.
Sam puts the daddies up front because they’re more her “type”. Is this subtext for … age? There it is. “They’re older, and rugged.”
Pointing to Deep South Daddy she says, “I feel like he’s lived, you know?” and honey he has – in 350 different human beings across several continents, to be more precise.
Al holds onto the wooden partition for dear life as Sam ranks him in the mix.
She puts him into second/third place based off him being “not her type” but “funny”. Then he makes her feel like shit, but also good, by putting her in first place and calling her the “hottest chick” in the experiment.
Brent reveals that him and Ballarat Paris “engaged in intimacy”, so he needs to use a massage gun to relieve his muscles from the big workout.
Meanwhile, the only thing Deep South Daddy is engaging in is deep distancing since Holly’s desire for children was made clear. He decided to sleep on the couch and he is also on his laptop which is very confusing to me? Andrew has decided the urgency of Holly wanting a baby is a bit much for him, and that he doesn’t want to waste her time.
Jackson and Olivia watch Jackson’s MAFS audition tape where he opens up about protecting his mum and sisters from violence. He tells Olivia that his mum has been assaulted and he’s visibly upset. “It brings back a lot of emotions and feelings, which I’ve obviously been pushing down for a very long time.”
Olivia is extremely supportive. “You don’t have to carry the load alone anymore,” she says, and my faith in the experiment is restored.
Anthony writes his confession from his converted-bus apartment before heading over to Selin’s. They’re amicable so far which is refreshing, and Selin shares her experience with “baby blues” after her son was born. Post-natal depression is very real and common thing, and I think it’s great she’s sharing her own story as part of the confessions.
We don’t see Anthony’s confession, but fucking hell another fist bump, followed by a hug.
I’m so happy to see mum and dad making up, even if Selin could very well be visiting the Busways depot after this.
Holly and Andrew face their next couples torture in the shape of the photo ranking. Holly puts Brent first, which is a decision I can get around, and says that Andrew would’ve been first if he wasn’t constantly making her feel like shit.
He says he’s just being Miley and it’s on her if she feels any type of way. He gives her an argumentative TedTalk and Holly drops an F-bomb – finally all feels right in the world.
He responds, “I am going to leave now, Holly” in the most robotic voice I’ve ever heard come out of a human.
He goes home. “Y’all send my stuff to me,” he tells the MAFS cameramen.
17 boxes of Lifestyles Regular and a little black book for weekly roots coming right up, doll.
See you tomorrow for even more MAFS recap chaos. Will Deep South Daddy come back? Will Holly discover what pegging is? Will Baby Seal sprout a pube? The anticipation is real.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.
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