Congrats for (almost) getting through the first week of MAFS recaps for 2022. It’s already been a true rollercoaster full of tears, butt-cracks and teeth-licking. Let’s dive in!

Ballarat Paris Hilton confirms she’s a screamer, waking up Brent at 3am after having a nightmare about working in retail.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
beb it was like customer service paralysis I can’t

Holly confirms she was intimate with Deep South Daddy, contraception TBC, but maintains “It was beautiful.”

Meanwhile, Princess Bogan is taking advantage of her Nice Guy by making him dress up as a Corey Worthington Bachie, and paints him like one of her Italian girls.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
*smiles in nice*
MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
*paints in doormat*
MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
censored: boyfriend dick

Ballarat Paris and Brent have decided enough time has passed to now laugh about upside-down knives, and the hornbags are manhandling a python in the biggest MAFS metaphor I ever did see.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
it’s so thicc bby

DILF Anthony and MILF Selin have a Bintang brekky but she avoids him like he’s human malaria. She’s trying to figure out why she doesn’t like him but we all know why, and it’s because he’s not an asshole.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
could u like, be a bit meaner

In other areas of awkward, Selina is still wrapping her head around Cody‘s uncoordinated schlong, and he wants to force the chemistry somehow.

Mitch makes a candlelit bath that he swears is not about “getting her in the sack”, even though Ella would appreciate it if he, you know, like, tried to?

He slips his bald body into a skimpy bikini, which he later takes off, only to reveal he’s the kind of guy who says “You like that?”

Confirmed: he’s a creative.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
do less

Unfortunately for Ella, who would like him to give it a red-hot crack, he stops their bathtub pash, likely because he got a stiffy.

He proceeds to have a cold shower so his Boyfriend Dick can resume to baby cucumber dick. Is this so she’ll be more less inclined to eat him like her wedding-night lipgloss?

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
stay put i’m flaccid 

Unfortunately the soap suds trickle down his ass crack and she remains in the tub, wet, with a “popped” sex-o-meter.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
yeah you like this baby seal don’t you

Ballarat Paris and Brent have gathered around the Love Island firepit where she has THE AUDACITY to wear clothes she bought from retail workers. She blames the stress of the wedding day for acting like she’s better than the people she buys (likely unsustainable) clothes from.

They’re laughing a lot and she keeps bending over like she has a constipation cramp, or because it’ll make her more in line with his height.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
omg stop i’ll shit

Bogan Princess and Nice Guy witness a a farm animal give birth and it brings them closer. Feels like a good first-date activity? MILF and DILF do pottery and fist bump like the doomed relationship they are.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
the muffin shop is closed

She gets playful and puts clay on his face, but when he returns the favour, she ain’t happy JAN.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
at least get me a towel

Mitch rubs Ella and tells her how hot her skin and rig is, while Cody tries to force physical attraction in what looks like the most painful massage I’ve ever seen. Selina suggests taking off her Lorna Jane 7/8’s. When Cody declines, she tries again by saying butt-cheek massages are all the rage right now.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
y am i not relaxed

Meanhile Mitch has whipped out the thesaurus for “hot”and lands on telling Ella she’s a “vision”, “a goddess” and “a vixen” while pushing her butt cheeks together. At this point I feel like he’s going to use her cheeks like a mouth and start pretending the thing can talk.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
“Hullo I am ass hear me roar”

Back at Selina and Cody’s place, the pants are off! She asks him to be gentle like he’s a three-year-old with a newborn sister, but instead he kneads her thighs like he works at Baker’s Delight.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
vegemite scroll, coming right up

The MAFS honesty box comes out for Holly and Deep South Daddy and I’m grieving the fertilisation that could’ve been when it asks if they’re sexually attracted to one another.

Holly talks about them connecting on an emotionally metaphysical level, so I’ve googled that for anyone who’s a bit lost.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
metaphysical fucc

Deep South Daddy responds to the question by saying he likes to have sex in random places and at random times, that he’s good at the sex and has the right equipment (?) which he knows how to use.

THEN HE TELLS HER SHE’S A VACANT LOVER.

“You weren’t there. You were not physically there.”

mafs australia recap mafs recap
gaslight; verb

“I didn’t feel intimacy.”

mafs australia recap mafs recap
eat a dick

“I didn’t feel connected to you.”

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
u were literally inside me

“It was not enjoyable for me.”

mafs australia recap mafs recap
ur dick had a different opinion

“I have had one night stands where the partner was more into me than you were into me.”

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
guess i’ll be getting tested tomorrow

“If I wanted to just get off, I could just do that by myself.”

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
enjoy the limp wrist mate

What sweet hell is he implying? Not enough yeehaws? Didn’t ride him like a horse? Imagined Michael Bublé so she could finish? We need to know! He can’t just annihilate her without an explanation, but he reeks of someone who’s spent too much time on PornHub.

I do not support the way he made her feel – it’s called tact buddy, look it up. And from a motivational speaker no less. Bad daddy!

Ballarat Paris reveals she has a foot insecurity in the shape of a fake toenail and makes Brent dry heave.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
shellac attack

He then made her put on 17 pairs of socks before sharing the bed. Probably.

Bogan Princess and Nice Guy discuss their sexual attraction to one another, and she reveals she’s heaps scared of failure after her two-month marriage. So no pressure, bro. He then kisses her fist instead of bumping it, and I think we’re making progress on this show.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
3 months minimum, I promise

They have a little insecurity-riddled fight but move on and are stronger from it etc etc.

Back to Holly, she’s deservedly OFF IT. Deep South Texasshole uses his motivational speaker magic in an attempt to make her forget he basically called her vanilla.

MAFS Recap: Andrew’s Fucked Critique Of His & Holly’s Bone Sesh Is A Red Flag Bigger Than Texas
make missionary great again

Meanwhile…. ELLA AND MITCH HAD SEX!

THEY DID IT!

The poor baby seal probably lasted 30 seconds but they did it!! Ella described it as “really good” and “exactly” how they both “imagined”.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
mission accomplished

Christ. She doesn’t even wanna know how I imagined it to be, because my mind’s going to hell for it. He is apparently great with his hands and has a good memory.

Meanwhile, Baby Seal Mitch has found his vocal chords after giving them to an evil sea-witch for a chance of life on land, saying the sex was exactly what he prayed for. Unfortunately prayers and unmarried sex are about as uncoordinated as Cody’s dick.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
i’d like to thank jesus

Anyway, Baby Seal said Ella’s open to trying new things and now she is his best friend! Turns out making friends as adults is easier than I thought! He celebrates the new friendship by licking the bathroom floor.

mafs australia recap mafs recap

mafs australia recap mafs recap
do my cheeks when you’re done beb

Ballarat Paris and Brent kiss, fully shoed, but can’t stop laughing. I really thought all that hate over misaligned morals would’ve equalled more passion, but it seems Ballarat Paris can’t forget the time she almost took a job at Glassons.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
srsly beb there were real-life registers and everything!!!

Selin and Anthony try and reluctantly tolerate each other but feel like their relationship’s in some spark debt. She’s also doing a spectacular job at making him feel like shit.

mafs australia recap mafs recap
ur tacky and i hate u

She called him a princess. He called her a bully. And ah… you’re telling me the children are at home? If they can’t make it through a pottery class, good luck making it through much else.

He packs up his Bintang shirts and calls it a day.

Fucking fair.

See you next week for some more MAFS carnage.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can tell her how much you hate these MAFS recaps on IG here or LinkedIn here.

Image: Channel Nine