It’s Married At First Sight 2024 final vows time and I feel equal parts “Already?!?!” and “Thank fuck” as I bring to you the MAFS 2024 recap for Episode 35. Yes, number 35. It’s OK to hate yourself for this. I know I sure do!
The couples are spending time apart so they can think clearly without pollution of each other’s faces and opinions ahead of the big decision. Will they commit only to break up by the MAFS Reunion a month later? Time will tell!
Before they leave Skye Suites for good, Ridge needs to minimise his “affection erection” from last night’s final MAFS dinner party. It turns out he got extremely horny over the honesty box, telling Jade, “It was really wholesome, babe.”
Ridge reckons he’s trying to show Jade the more serious side of himself and respectfully: try harder.
Now they’re watching their wedding day back on an iPad, getting a quick glimpse into how they’ll look on TV prior to it actually happening.
Meanwhile, Lauren is calling Jono “the most disloyal person” she’s ever met. Like, I get that she feels betrayed by him texting Ellie throughout the experiment but I’m also not sure it’s as bad as it seems.
And Jono? Well, he’s hung up his robot boots and is finally telling us how he really feels.
“I can’t wait to get the fuck out of this shit show,” he says.
But first, Lauren and Jono are required to watch their MAFS wedding day video back, separately.
Lauren is happy with what she’ll be seeing on television.
Somewhere else in Skye Suites, Jono thanks the experts for rubbing in his face how badly the relationship ended in comparison to how it started.
Tori is farewelling Mr Grey AKA Jack but is concerned that she has become codependent. “It’s disgusting,” she says and look, who am I to disagree?
Jack thanks Tori for “the ride”.
Considering he has previously described sex as “a couple of goes” and “it worked, she liked it”, this compliment could either be about the social experiment of their recent fornication. We may never know.
The MAFS cast are now back on home soil contemplating their lives and relationships.
Ridge’s friend suspects witchcraft as his former-fuckboy mate appears to be more interested in matching decor than a new get-up from Tarocash.
“He’s changed,” says Ridge’s friend.
On the Gold Coast, Jade’s mum is bursting her daughter’s bubble by reminding her that she’s only known Ridge for five weeks.
It’s time for Jade and Ridge’s MAFS final vows.
Ridge kicks things off by reminding Jade of the time he called himself the “king of the jungle” at Taronga Zoo.
He talks some jibber-jabber about having to uproot his whole life for Jade and her daughter but that he’s ready to take the leap.
“I’m 100% obsessed with you,” Ridge tells Jade.
“I see a future with you,” he adds, before confirming he’ll move to the Gold Coast in the next three months.
Jade tells Ridge she’s been concerned about his maturity levels and if he’s really ready for this commitment.
“I questioned your maturity levels at times,” she tells him. “I really didn’t like it.”
“I came into this wanting a mature partner, wanting to be looked after, rather than being a parent to my partner,” she tells him. Wow, what a poetic way to savage someone!
She managed to not get blown away in time to tell him that she’s “all in on this”.
“You are my person,” she finishes. “You’re stuck with me now.”
Ridge is feeling “as good as a dog with two dicks”. I’ve never heard this saying and I don’t care to hear it again.
Meanwhile, Lauren’s laughing over the red lace lingerie she clearly never wore for Jono. I know this because it’s still got the tags on.
That being said, she’s not doubtful of Jono’s future action levels in the boudoir. She believes her fake-husband will be asking Ellie for feet pics and a “box shot” any day now.
Jono’s in heaven being apart from Lauren! “The further I get away from Lauren, the better I feel,” he says.
“Ellie and I are barely even friends,” Jono maintains, as he puts on a black suit to prepare for his nice-guy funeral.
“It seems appropriate,” he says.
He’s not looking forward to the MAFS final vows “at all” because he knows it will be a “horribly awkward experience “ — which is precisely why I am looking forward to it.
I’ve gotta say it: Lauren looks unreal.
They walk up to one another in the middle of a forest and I can already tell this will be beautifully uncomfortable.
She says “hi” to him and he just gives her an upside down smile in response.
He does not say hello to her. A woman he spent every day with for over two months (give or take a surgery).
“You ready for this?” Jono asks her.
“A hello would’ve been more normal,” she tells him. “Whatever.”
Jono tells Lauren that he felt lucky to be matched with her and was very hopeful. But he has quickly taken a robotic turn.
“Mostly the days were not enjoyable for either of us,” he tells her.
“I don’t really feel like you ever respected me.”
He says that in Perth he gained his hope back after she let down her walls.
He brings up Ellie and thinks Lauren lied about the innocence of the messages to make him look bad. This is when he knew Lauren wasn’t for him.
She laughs.
“Great. Thanks for sharing,”
The passive aggressiveness is amazing.
“I went all out for you today. I managed to find my heart. In honour of this discovery, I’m going to speak to you from it,” she tells him. Amazing. Whoever helped Lauren with these MAFS final vows: well done.
She basically mirrors what he said: she felt hopeful in the beginning and saw a future with him during home stays.
“It all came crashing down,” she tells him before detailing his messages with Ellie.
“You chose to try and flip the script on me,” she tells him, noting that Jono somewhat blamed her for the Ellie ordeal.
“Jono I don’t see a future with you and no, it’s not me, it’s you,” she finishes before walking away.
Jono laughs and then does some ‘Shawshank Redemption’ open-arms thing as he walks off. But there’s no rain so it’s very awkward.
“I’ll take a bit of time and then I’ll start looking again,” Jono says of finding his future partner and yeah, something tells me he’ll be looking for approximately three hours before winding up in Ellie’s bedroom.
Meanwhile, in Melbourne (where basic coffee wankers live, according to Jack’s client, Lizz), Tori is catching up with her mum. You may remember her as the woman who was very hot for Jack when she first met him at the aisle, a few minutes before Tori did.
Tori tells her mother that the other MAFS brides hate Jack and have been trying to look out for her in the relationship.
“Do you think there’s any weight in it?” Tori’s mum asks.
Tori tells her mum that she has felt worried at times, but ultimately she doesn’t care what they think.
Even mum’s concerned because she has a brain and knows that other women do not put their hand up to get involved if there’s not a reason for it.
“Jack’s not giving up anything. he’s giving up half his bed,” mum reminds Tori. Is now a good time to tell mum that Jack literally offered Tori his spare room when she comes to the Goldy?
“If he hurts her, I’ll kill him,” mum says.
Meanwhile on the Gold Coast where (apparently) everyone wants to live, Jack is catching up with another client who may or may not also be his friend.
Jack makes it clear that he will not move to Melbourne and he will not be seeing Tori every weekend. I wonder what he will be sacrificing aside from $3.18 every quarter to buy his wife a Temu bracelet.
Jack calls Tori “insecure” and “needy” to the man who pays to spend time with him.
“I mean it’s sweet but she wasn’t like this prior,” he tells his client-friend.
It’s MAFS final vows time for Tori and a man who is leaning on a verandah with very long hair. WHO IS THIS.
Jack has let his hair down and you know what, put it back up! Now!
“I won’t be afraid to turn around and change my mind,” Jack warns of his decision at MAFS final vows. Fuck.
Tori’s sure, though!
“I’ve found my person and holy shit, it’s Jack,” Tori says.
“I’m falling in love with Jack,” she continues.
“I don’t think Jack’s going to reject me but on the off chance that he did I would be super blindsided.”
“I don’t know what I would do but it wouldn’t be nice for Jack.”
OK they’re meeting each other at some beautiful estate that none of us could even afford to rent one room in.
“You look like you’re about to get married,” he tells her.
“Remarried,” she laughs back.
This is very damn awkward so I’m almost glad it’s continuing tomorrow night so I can take a break from the tension in the air.
Tori and Jack will make their decision tomorrow night, as well as Sara and Tim and Jayden and Eden. I kind of feel like everyone’s going to recommit. But I’ve been wrong before!
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. Tell her what she should do after these MAFS recaps by sliding into her DMs here.
