Tonight our Married At First Sight 2024 couples will be moving in with one another which is a normal thing to do when you’ve known someone for a fortnight — brace yourself for our Episode Seven recap.
Channel Nine and Skye Suites have signed another lucrative deal to collaborate for this show once more, but this time the go-to accommodation has a pool!
Much to Lucinda‘s delight, there are separate shitters for everyone’s bowel movements.
Lauren spots a KFC close by and it’s giving Tara Pavlovic energy if I’m honest.
I do feel bad for Lauren, though. Why? Because, like so many other girls before her, she’s being called “too much” and “a lot” — this time by Jack and Tori following last night’s MAFS dinner party.
These two think they’re a “power couple” but all I’m seeing is a power struggle.
It has been declared “Confessions Week” in the MAFS suites, which is just a fancy way of saying their relationships are about to be shat on with dirty secrets and ranking tasks.
Jayden has a secret and please don’t tell us you’ve hooked up with someone you shouldn’t have!!
Jayden says that his ex cheated on him, which we know, but he told her he’d give her another chance. The terms?
“I’m gonna sleep with her best friend while she watches.”
SURELY FUCKING NOT.
One of Jayden’s ex’s friends agreed to do it (!!!), and it actually damn-well happened.
So many questions!
Who agrees to fuck their friend’s boyfriend while they watch? Like, I can try and understand this from a voyeurism fetish point of view, but not as an act of… punishment. What the actual fuck. I am unwell.
I have more questions:
- Are the ex and the ex’s friend still friends?
- How do you have coffee with someone and look them in the eye after you’ve watched your boyfriend’s penis go inside them?
- How long did Jayden and his ex continue to date after this?
- Did she ever cheat again after this and if so, did Jayden do this again as a result?
- Did it ultimately ruin the relationship, or help it?
- Why did it have to be one of her friends?
- What were the alternative solutions?
- Did it take some convincing?
- Did you look at your girlfriend while you were doing it? Why / why not?
- Did you do things that you did with your girlfriend at the time to twist the knife?
- How long ago was this?
- Did you have the hots for her friend prior?
I have too many questions that will likely never get answered and therefore I will likely never fully process this revelation.
Does he at least regret it?
“I feel like that’s just so triggering for me and my situation which you already know about,” Eden tells him.
Fuck me dead (while my friend watches, lol) — that’s rough. Producers really knew what they were doing here.
Eden wants to be alone, and by alone I mean with Sara.
“That’s fucked up,” says Sara and SHE’S NOT WRONG.
Natalie is back? I’m weirdly excited about that.
Collins is still here which I’m weirdly unexcited about. He seems unexcited too, as per usual, likely because he thought they’d deliver him a new expert-ordered bride.
Tori and Jack are doing the phone swap challenge and I’m nervous for them considering everything we’ve learned so far.
“Have a look, see what you find, my honey,” he tells her jokingly. Now I’m even more nervous.
Tori admits she went through her own phone and made sure there were no “compromising” photos of her partner, in preparation for this experiment.
OK now I’m sweating down my non-existent balls. They’re setting us up!
Jack says he hasn’t deleted any messages or phone calls. Fuck!
Tori goes straight for the camera roll because she is a brave, fierce woman. He gets jealous because he wants to see the 1,456 photos of himself at the gym.
“This is gross!” Tori says upon finding something in the camera roll.
He sees it in the reflection.
“It’s unfortunate that she came across a picture of me and my ex-fiance when I was proposing,” he says.
‘SCUSE ME. I did not know about this almost-marriage!
“That is a part of my past and it is special,” he says, and you know what, I’m not mad at this. Is it because I was expecting worse? I don’t know.
Is it because I’ve kept shit from exes? Maybe. I reckon they serve as reminders to never let someone treat you like a piece of shit again — either that or I’m a hoarder. Regardless, Tori is going to be sick.
Meanwhile, Dicky is telling Andrea it’s 3 o’clock and her immediate reaction is “Nap time?”
I relate to this on a deeply personal and deeply younger level.
It’s actually their one-week anniversary, which is a sweet thing to celebrate I guess.
Dicky still texts his ex and is good friends with her but Andrea doesn’t give a shit because she thinks that’s a huge green flag.
“It’s a good man that can still have an ex-girlfriend batting for him, she says.”
Lucinda is following Timothy around the apartment like an eggy fart, but keeps reiterating that she is a great girl, OK!!!!
“It’s not her, I’m just not used to someone being around all the time,” he confirms.
Timothy thinks Lucinda is like a leaf blower on their spark of romance, rather than slowly blowing on it to start a fire. Man’s a poet!
I could be wrong, but I think the leaf blower energy is because she is horny, because in bed she asks Timothy, “What are your desires in sex?”
“That there’s not a lot of laughing or disappointment,” he deflects and you know what, I found it funny even though it’s sad how much he puts himself down.
He confirms the no-go zones are the places doctors go, such as the butthole.
Lucinda reminds Timothy that the anoos has extreme orgasm potential but it’s not enough insider tea to change his mind.
It’s bedtime! If you’re wondering why Dicky and Andrea’s spontaneous combustion happened in the morning, I’m just going to leave this here.
Come morning, Richard is dabbing by the pool.
It’s time for the god-forsaken ranking task and Timothy hates it. Hates it!
He says it’s not “age appropriate” considering he would be 20 years older than half the people he’d be ranking. You know what, I think that’s fair. Lucinda respects his reasons.
“My truth is I just couldn’t even rank,” Lucinda tells him. “All these guys or gorgeous and they’ve got their loveliness, but I know who I’m attracted to, and that’s you.”
“It’s a pity that he’s somebody you can just look at and not touch,” she tells the camera and yep, she’s horny and I hope they have laughless sex soon. (I’m aware laughless is not a word, thanks though.)
Timothy slaps her picture down on the table and says, “That’s my wife”.
Dicky’s turn! Although he is a whole decade older than Timothy, he jumps right in to rank women who could be his children.
Based on “just looks nothing else” he puts Andrea a tied third, next to people half his age or younger.
He thinks she’s flattered to be amongst these young, hot things he could not be more wrong.
See you for tomorrow night’s MAFS recap!
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. She posts more MAFS nonsense on Instagram here.
Watch MAFS Season 11 episodes on 9 and 9Now.