Strap yourselves in for the MAFS 2024 recap for Episode 16. It’s gonna be a doozy.
Everyone’s getting ready for the first dinner party that’ll include our new MAFS intruders. Jayden‘s so excited that he thinks he and Eden are going to stand out like a “thaw sum” in their matching (?) outfits.
Tim and Sara and Lucinda and Timothy are all doing suspiciously well in their relationships, but Madeleine and Ash are not because she’s sad he won’t sing for her. Even though she thinks she looks “orange”.
Ridge and Jade, however, appear to be getting along swimmingly since their wedding-night bang. Did these two have a honeymoon or nah?
Cassandra looks fucking phenom, as per. If Tristan keeps his hands to himself I would be both shocked and appalled.
OK, things have taken a serious turn as the narrator tells us that someone has said they hope there is a couple swap, so that whoever is paired with his wife can sleep with her, so he doesn’t have to.
Heavens to betsy. This was not on my dinner party bingo card for tonight.
Lauren confirms that this certain groom permitted some of the boys to sleep with his wife because he doesn’t want to. It’s Jack because of course it is, and Lauren thinks it’s sexist and degrading. She would be right.
On their way to the dinner party, Lauren tells Jono she’s sorry, but she will be calling Jack out on this tonight. This will obviously reveal that Jono told Lauren, but he seemingly supports her like a saint and takes it on the chin.
Alright they’re piling in through that 16th-century door and Lauren is filling in Sara about what she heard.
I’m glad we are part of this conversation because it is now clear that Jack was referring to the partner swap task that they did last year, whereby you spend a few days with another husband or wife’s partner.
Last year that partner swap included Evelyn Ellis and Duncan Simpson, Melinda Willis and Harrison Boon, for example. As far as we know, no one fucked during that task, it was more about getting advice on your relationships.
Does this make what Jack said any more acceptable? Absolutely fucking not. Your partner is not someone you offer to others, or disrespect like that to others.
“That is so gross,” MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla chimes in from the viewing room.
More MAFS cast start piling in, including Tristan who appears to have gotten Timothy a Father’s Day card as he jokes about him being the dad of the group. Considering Timothy lost his father super recently, and this would’ve been his first Father’s Day without him, I hope he’s OK.
The MAFS intruders start rolling in, including Jade and Ridge who tell everyone their honeymoon was “dece“.
Ash and Madeleine follow suit exchanging honeymoon stories about Ulladulla and another place called Ooladoola which I’ve never heard of before. Ash describes the honeymoon as “fun” whereas Ash has a more fitting adjective within the use of the word “weird”.
Wow, everyone’s very excited to see Michael! Have they been worried about him? Have they been trying to find clues that will point to answers of his disappearance?
Meanwhile, Eden has been filled in about Jack more or less wanting one of his mates to sleep with Tori.
Eden tells the girls Tori wants to move to the Gold Coast for this imbecile. When Tori walks in, they quickly tell her… while Ash tells Jack about Madeleine crying over the cows.
It’s dinner time and Tori is very rattled, understandably.
Jack suspects it came from Lauren, because he clearly hates that Lauren sees right through him, so he calls her out straight away.
Jacks asks Lauren what she said to his wife (why does he always say this? It’s like he keeps forgetting her name TBH) and Lauren bites back asking what he said to Jono at the gym.
Jack tries to brush off the comments from the gym as a joke, but Jono is quick to say that he didn’t interpret derogatory comments about Tori as a joke.
Jack decides he would not like to share what he said because it’s “inappropriate at the dinner table”. Honey. If it’s inappropriate while eating some beans then it’s inappropriate anywhere.
Sara jumps right in and tells the table what was said. ROUGH AND ALSO GOOD.
Jack reckons anything he would say to Jono he would say to Tori, and that they have dark humour or some shit.
OK, I have sat by and watched Jack say things like he’s excited about the fresh meat (intruders) and that he’s contractually obliged to wear his wedding ring — and watched Tori laugh it off every time.
At some point these “funny” little jabs will no longer be funny. Sadly today is not that day, because Tori accepts it as a joke, perhaps not knowing that all these little jokes can build up to tear apart her self-worth in this relationship.
Jack vehemently denies that he ever said he wasn’t attracted to Tori, even though Timothy heard it at the workshop with Alessandra. Interestingly, Timothy, who always has something to say when it comes to this relationship, chucks a Ronan Keating and says nothing at all.
Jack says he and Tori don’t have a “sexual spark” because apparently that is a different thing to attraction.
It’s a real game of ping pong between Lauren and Jack battling it out with one another, before Jack tells Jono to “muzzle your wife”.
Goodbye Jack, it was horrible knowing you. Absolutely disgraceful.
In case you’re not understanding how truly disgusting it is to say this, I’m going to leave this right here:
When Jono tells Jack not to talk to Lauren like that?
Jack tells him “she needs it”.
Yuck yuck yuckety-yuck.
Lauren tells Jono his hair is too tight and then he jumps right back in to tell Lauren that her face is tight. Oh wow.
He thinks she’s doing all of this for the limelight, which is a nice deflection, isn’t it? Like, she wouldn’t have anything to talk about if you didn’t treat your wife like an item at a pawn shop.
Side note: Did Tori and Lauren get their hair done? When and how? This is the content I need to see. Thank you.
Suddenly, Jono says that Jack has always said that Tori is attractive. I’m getting the sense that Jono was intimated into lying.
But now Lauren looks like a big liar, and Tori has left the table.
The girls follow her, and Sara and Eden tell Tori what we’re all thinking: you should not defend Jack’s behaviour and there is nothing funny about those comments.
We need a vibe shift, immediately. Lucinda?
Our queen of light and sunshine does a toast to welcome the new “fabulous peopleeeeeeeeeee” and assures everyone that this dinner is not representative of who they are.
Lucinda, I love you, and that might be correct when it comes to you, but you are surrounded by demonic spirits who have issues.
Speaking of spirits, while Madeleine has been able to dodge a psychic download for this dinner table, she tells the others she’s in love? Right after Ash told everyone that they are not where they should in this relationship just yet. Burn.
Tristan is over with Timothy and joking about the Father’s Day card, which still makes me uncomfortable given the circumstances. I know Tristan always means well but it’s making me feel weird.
Timothy tells Tristan that Lucinda digs up emotions of his that he needs to confront but doesn’t want to, and that he has trust issues because the scars on his heart and from people he loved.
Then he tells Tristan that his mother died, his brother committed suicide and when his dad died recently, he left him with the parting gift of “I don’t like you.”
Oh, this is just heartbreaking. I cried during this and not just because of that state of my uterus lining right now.
I know I said I felt a bit weird about the dad jokes considering, and I do, but I am very here for this friendship between Tristan and Timothy. I think he could help show him what a dynamic between two men of different generations could be with the right amount and expressions of love.
“I think Lucinda has done wonders on Timothy,” Tristan says and I’m glad someone’s fucking noticing.
The girls are all back at the dinner table now and Tori is angry with Lauren, who she wishes would’ve sent her a text message about this instead of telling her at dinner, in front of everyone and their salads.
I hate that this is affecting a friendship because, in the grand scheme of everything, it’s Jack that she should be sad about, even if she does have the right to feel betrayed by Lauren too.
Speaking of betrayal, Lauren is now pissed at Jono who has told her, “What you said, is what [Jack] said.”
He’s angry that Lauren threw him in the middle of all of that — he didn’t think that she would use his name. Um, I’m pretty sure people can connect the dots considering they are married and all, but I also understand he’s probably a bit rattled by Jack’s red-faced stare too. I would be!
Then Lauren tells Jono this, before storming off:
“He’s not gonna suck your dick at the end of the night, is he?”
OK, that was a lot. I can’t wait to see what transpires following this at the MAFS Commitment Ceremony on Sunday. Lord help us all.
Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer. You can follow her on Instagram for more MAFS dribble.
