‘LOVE ISLAND’ RECAP: I Am Clinically In A Coma After Watching Those Tepid Final Dates

Look, the second-last episode of any Love Island season is always boring as hell. There’s no drama to be had, we’re sick of all these couples and everyone is hamming it up for the public votes.

[jwplayer r9SlIwU8]

But! The recaps must go on! I cannot for the life of me understand how I’ve maintained my sanity and written 28 of these, but here we are friends. Ya girl is 65% not crying herself to sleep.

So we start the episode with an overly extended recap of yesterday, because the producers just need to fill time. Then it’s basically everyone to bed for a gratuitous makeout fest.

Cartier and Matt are convincing us of their love!

look more obsessed with me beb

Cynthia and Aaron are convincing us of their love!

oof yes the hair stroke, gets ’em every time

Everyone’s convincing us of their love!


In the morning Matt gets a text – it’s Big Date Day or some shit. Everyone is stoked as fuck except for Anna and Josh, who are a big mood by burrowing deeper into the covers.

The first Big Daters are Matt and Cartier, who choof off in a helicopter to gaze at the murky Fijian dead coral.

wow such grey

They also spot an island that “is shaped like a heart omg!” except it looks like this:

at BEST, that looks like a misshapen mango

Everyone back at the villa waxes on about how settled Matt seems with Cartier. Meanwhile they have a very pov picnic on the beach and go on about how great they are together. I do have to say, Cartier seems to laugh heaps with Matt which is nice to see.

evidence of laughing

Then it’s time for Aaron and Cynthia to date. They get boated over to some beach which has an even sadder setup on it. These guys definitely got the shit end of the date stick.


Their convo is WILD, you guys. I don’t mean to be insensitive because there would be a lot of very real grief going on for Aaron, but he just comes out with “my dad died theweek before I came on Love Island”, and it’s just not a conversation that you expect to hear on this show. Even Cynthia looks a bit alarmed.

wait what

It’s genuinely heartbreaking watching Aaron talk about his late father, but it’s also really jarring given it’s happening over a bottle of shitty bubbles and a few slivers of cheddar. Still, Cynthia as always is a downright queen and a total rock through the entire convo, and it did make me think well fuck, maybe Aaron isn’t a bot like I thought he was.

Then they go on jetskis. AGAIN, very jarring after just hearing about someone’s late dad.

Back at the villa, Anna and Josh are alone and use the opportunity to have really awkward naked shower time with five cameras panning along the exterior.

this is so relaxing babe I def don’t have high levels of anxiety from the camera presence

There’s discussion while Cynthia and Aaron are away over whether Aaron is genuine – this is weird because in my memory, they haven’t discussed this stuff before?? Maybe I fell asleep / got in an eBay k-hole and just forgot it.

Anyway then Anna and Josh go on THEIR date, which involves a boat and doing this heinous shit with champagne glasses.

stop that

It’s cute, whatever.

Cartier and Matt fake-bone all over the mansion in what could have been a really hot vibe but ended up being lukewarm at best.

this could’ve been sexy but you both kiss like goldfish

Why do they kiss so weirdly chaste all the time? Literally how I kiss my dog on the face, no joke.

Matt does a LOL where he solemnly tells Cartier he needs to let go of old villa relationships and she’s like…

the fuck

But he is talking about that pillow he once pretended was his GF and that tree. LOOK IT WAS FUNNY OK YOU GUYS. Especially coz the pillow looked like this:

looks heaps healthy and not covered in wart germs

Anyway that’s really all that went down – at the end they reminisce over fun moments in the villa, missing the iconic moments of Eoghan thinking he was the big dog then being booted, and Vanessa thinking she was Queen of Love Island and being booted. These are the real iconic fun moments, guys.

Anyway, bring on finale!!!