OH MY GOD GUYS IT’S OVER. My reality TV recapping for 2019, done. The Bachelorette is done, and after this recap all 29 Love Island Australia recaps are in the crapper.
Interestingly it seems either 9 didn’t want to ship all the ex-islanders back to Fiji, or they legit refused to come – I honestly could see it go both ways, for example Vanessa was salty as FUCK as was Isabelle and Eoghan. They would totally refuse to return! But we did cop Adam, Jessie, Pizza and Todd/Blake (literally both of them so I don’t even have to work out who is who).
Anyway, it all opens with Sophie strutting through the villa for the final time, saying hi to the remaining couples and then venturing out to a rent-a-crowd who all look sweaty and exhausted but stoked to be here!!!!
Then each couple emerges – Cartier and Matt are first, and I cannot for the life of me work out why Cartier decided to wear a year 10 formal dress but here we are.
Anna also looks like she’s going to a school formal but is like the glamorous popular bitchy girl whose mum let her shop in the sequin section.
Of course, Cynthia looks like the actual model she is.
Eoghan-The-Voiceover is there IRL, which is unsettling. I don’t like to see the voiceover guy. Put him AWAY.
I hate every second Eoghan-Voiceover is on screen, and not just because that shirt is an eyesore. I don’t like it!!! Be a disembodied voice or nothing!!!
We cop a flashback of the day prior – it’s pretty boring, they all video-meet each other’s families. It’s bulk crying.
Then it’s time for the most alarming part of Love Island – the bit where one half of a couple walks through the bush to a random floral wall, to declare their whatever to their partner.
Anna and Josh are first – the line “here’s to putting our eggs into each other’s basket and hatching our very own love story” is used, if you want the vibe.
Cynthia and Aaron are yin to yang or something, Matt likes Cartier even though she loves Nickelback, everyone kisses etc. When we return to the live bit, Sophie asks Josh if he’s found love and he bizarrely decides telling Anna he loves her for the first time in front of a rent-a-crowd and Sophie Monk is the best decision. She says she loves him too.
Then it’s time to announce third place – Cynthia and Aaron. We do a reflection on their ~journey~. This gave me a chance to remember how irritating and bizarre Maurice was.
Then it’s on to throwbacks of Anna and Josh – BORING! Don’t care about your cruisey non-eventful Love Island time! Then Cartier and Matt, this is the good stuff. I know I’ve been super biased towards them this whole time but you know what? I don’t care? This is my recap bitches! I do what I WANT!
Anyway their story is the cute one because there was more zest involved. Vanessa memories!
This woman scratching her eczema in the Fijian heat, which is a very ME vibe and I feel you, girl.
Then it’s time for the winners – it’s Josh and Anna, shocker.
Josh gets the envelope with the $50k in it, and after a brief fake deliberation chooses love. THE END. Fuck me, I am DONE with recaps until Bachelor In Paradise, see you then, thanks for reading, and by that I mean thanks to that one girl my colleague sent me an audio message of, telling me she actually read these things.
Side note and gratuitous promo – come listen to my podcast, All Aussie Mystery Hour.