Few things have reviled me to the bottom of my soul like the idea, floated this afternoon, of Kyle Sandilands serving as Australia’s next Bachelor.
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With The Bachelorette winding to a close tonight, bringing an end to the 2019 dating show season on Australian TV, attentions are naturally beginning to turn to season 2020 and what romantic horrors it may hold. Specifically, just what lovelorn piece of beige granite will be unearthed to serve as the Man Prize in the next season of The Bachelor?
While we’ve had suggestions, and very good ones at that, that the next crop of suitors should be plucked from a slightly older, more sardonic pool of contenders, today KIIS FM have taken that concept and jammed it in the deep fryer by launching some sort of half-baked campaign to get Kyle By-God Sandilands put into the, christ, lover’s hot seat next year.
The whole shebang is said to have begun this morning, on air, where Kyle bragged that the Bachie process of essentially dating 20 people simultaneously wasn’t that hard, because “I was dating seven chicks at the same radio station and engaged to one. It’s a piece of piss until it all comes unstuck.” Which even if you put aside the fact that it’s off-the-charts grotty, would’ve made for a hell of a break room experience at bare-ass minimum.
Since then, the station has launched a “petition” – an odd turn of phrase given there’s nowhere to actually sign anything – imploring whatever invisible Power That Is to give the lofty Bachie mantle to Kyle Sandilands in 2020.
It’s almost certainly quite a tongue-in-cheek push, but just on the absolute off-chance it’s not: Good lord, do not do this. No one wants to see this. I feel ill thinking about it. Please, for the love of god, stop.
The Bachelor is for rigged up square jaws who can’t manage an emotion without bench pressing their way through it to run a gauntlet of women all ready, willing, and able to rip the intestines out of one another if it means getting a rose.
It is not for Kyle.
Please let it not be for Kyle.
Oh sweet merciful fuck, do not let it be Kyle.
