Librans are in for a low-low after the high-high that was Valentine’s Day and Scorpio’s aren’t faring too well in the love zone either. Oooh boy.

Buckle up, binches.

ARIES

There’s a great cosmic shake-up this week so ya know what that means? There’s gonna be a ‘yuge shake-up in your life. Great big planetary shifts often summon sudden change in our lives, plus with Mercury Retrograde in full-swing, expect the unexpected this week. Some plans you’ve made may need to be edited or even cancelled. Flexibility is key, Aries. This could happen in any area of your life, by the way: home, finances, mates, relationships. Any or all could be affected, so look alive.

TAURUS

Uranus might be the butt of every planetary joke (hehe), but it’s also a super fucking powerful planet that sparks mad change when it appears in your sign, which it does this week, Taurus. This Wednesday, Saturn goes head-to-head with Uranus, which will force you to wake the fuck up and do whatever’s necessary to make shit happen. What shit am I referring to here? Honestly, I’ve got no fucking idea, but something tells me that you know what I’m talking about. So whatever needs fixing, the stars say that now’s the time to go for gold, babey.

GEMINI

The stars warn of an overbearing, charismatic person who’s come into your life and taken you under their wing, so to speak. Don’t take everything this person says as gospel because they could be leading you down a dirty path. As Saturn and Uranus square off, you’re likely to fall for all kinds of trickery (plus Mercury Retrograde frying your judgement, common sense and communication skills ain’t helping). Lean on folks you can trust, rather than ones you’re still unsure of.

CANCER

As Saturn enters your shit-together eighth house of money, money, money, money, (MONEY!), you’re likely to set your sights on a ‘yuge purchase, whether it’s a big holiday, a new ve-hicle, hell, maybe even a new outfit. With Mercury currently in Retrograde, you’d be wise to suss out all possible avenues before plonking down your cash on whatever this purchase might be. There’s nothing worse than buying a sick-ass telly, then later finding it even cheaper elsewhere. Go for gold with the purchase and all that, just do your research first, ploise.

LEO

Hella powerful Mars and Uranus are both in Taurus RN, which bodes v. well for you in all your endeavours, especially where business, career and finances are concerned. I absolutely love this for you and all that, but on the flip side, you might come to the realisation that you’ve been burying yourself in your work to avoid some major shit that’s going on in your personal life or unaddressed emotional demons. All I’ve gotta say to that is, it’s great to be killing it at werk, but it’s also v. important to make sure you’re doing well emotionally. Pls take care of yourself, boo.

VIRGO

The planet Saturn is your best mate. Why’s that? Well, because that’s the one that keeps a structured Virgo on her game. So this week, as she enters your sixth house of werk and systematic vibes, you’ll go into full Virgo boss QUEEN mode. A seed you previously planted will start to grow and boy, will it feel fkn fab. You deserve all the success in the world, doll. This isn’t luck, this is the product of meticulous planning and hard work. Enjoy every goddamn second of it.

LIBRA

Mercury Retrograde has been known to bring back ghosts from your past, but this week you’ll be confronted with a new perspective on someone in your present, and it won’t be pretty. You’ll suddenly come across tea about someone who you held to a high standard. Turns out they ain’t all that trustworthy. As Saturn and Uranus go head-to-head, that Valentine’s Day bliss will soon turn to shit and there’ll be neggo vibes in your relationships. Big fat bummer.

SCORPIO

Did you enjoy Valentine’s Day? Well I hate to break it to you, but that sweet, lovey-dovey feeling will turn to absolute shit this week as Saturn and Uranus go off at each other. One of your closest relationships will experience a big change, which I don’t love for you, Scorp (or me – I’m a Scorp too so fucking yikes). Either that or you’ll need to make radical changes in order to accomodate for a certain someone in your life.

SAGITTARIUS

Feeling restricted and held back? This week, as Uranus and Saturn’s movements bring unexpected insight, you’ll discover that the only thing holding you back is Y-O-U. The stars warn about firing off incorrect or uninformed thoughts, ideas and opinions to people who aren’t receptive. Avoid pissing your mates off if you can, yeah? And finally, try something new this week. Cosmic energy says you’re ready for it.

CAPRICORN

Uranus is one disruptive kent and this week its movements inspire mass change in your life. Well-laid plans could be canned (hey, that rhymed), certain systems you had in place will become obsolete and your way of thinking about something (or someone) will change. I know this isn’t easy for a stubborn Cap, but change is good. Even if it fucking sucks at first, it could lead to a much better state of being in the long run. Don’t fight it!

AQUARIUS

The planet Uranus rules your zone, Aquarius, did ya know that? Well it does, and with it hanging out in your home and fam sector, expect a shake-up in those areas. The stars also advise you to ditch people-pleasing behaviours and do what’s best for you. Not ya mum. Not ya sis. Not ya partner. Not even your dumb housemate. Do what’s best for that jackass you see when you look in the mirror. They deserve a bit of TLC.

PISCES

Your biggest rival this week is yourself, Pisces, as your head becomes flooded with irritating thoughts that you just can’t seem to shake. Don’t blame me, blame Saturn and Uranus, bc they’re having a tiff and it’s impacting your life. Try and find a way to unplug and redirect that powerful Piscean brain onto something more constructive, or at the very least something fun like a new Netflix series.

Matty Galea is the Entertainment Editor at Pedestrian who also dabbles in woo-woo stuff like astrology and crystals and has been penning horoscopes since the start of his career. He also Tweets about pop culture and astrology and posts spicy content on Instagram.