Well, well, well, we’re back to cap of week two of Farmer Wants A Wife and good lord, there is more insecurity here than ever.

You know the drill, if you’ve got NFI who’s who, you can check out our guide here. But anyway, let’s get on with it.

The farmers kicked off their second solo dates tonight, after choosing their gals at last night’s explosive dinner party. But thankfully, we kicked off to a much less-intense start.

Neil, who seems like a bloody sweet dude, took Karissa to the Tamworth Country Music Festival (yee haw) and had a sneaky backstage meet and greet with the one and only Lee Kernaghan. There’s not a whole lot to unpack about their date, Karissa seems super normal, Lee dedicates a song to them, they have a boogie and they share a sneaky kiss. At this point, I’ve realised there’s probably not a lot of drama or good TV coming out of Neil’s farm, but I have a soft spot for him anyway.

Yeehaw doggies.

Meanwhile, Harry’s date with Stacey is a whole different kettle of fish.

He starts off by asking her if she sees herself on a farm one day. Uhhh…. Do you realise what show you’re on? It’d be really bloody awkward if she has dreams to go live in New York City. GOD Harry, be better.

Just like everyone else on this wildly horned up show, Stacey brings up kids, which Harry initially seems shocked by, but then clarifies he’s also keen to make some babies. *vomits in mouth*

You say “baby” but all I hear is “bump uglies”.

Seriously, why is everyone on this show ready to pop out 75 kids?! Are you looking for love, or just a sperm donor? Because I assure you, the latter comes with far less bullshit.

She then tells us about how her dad died, which is absolutely heartbreaking and I immediately feel bad for disliking her kids comment. I just want to hug her.

Thankfully, Harry gives her a kiss and all is well again.

Next up, we check in on the Italian Stallion himself, Farmer Sam. Interestingly, his date with Emily doesn’t involve his mum and honestly, I reckon that’s actually a bad sign.

She talks about loving his family values (that makes one of us), and he tells her about how he’s had his heart broken before saying how special she is.

Seemingly, they’ve both forgotten that he’s also simultaneously dating three other women. I hate it. Stop acting like you’re ready to marry every girl on the show, fuck.

Okay, but where’s Nonna? Is she hiding behind a tree? WHERE IS SHE

Sorry, Emily, but I don’t think you’re going to win his heart.

To continue the narrative of “I’m super broken and I haven’t been in love in years”, we venture further south to Tasmania, where Emma tells Nick that (you guessed it) she hasn’t been in love in years.

Seriously, why is everyone only capable of talking about their burning desire to make babies, and their deep-seeded emotional trauma? MAKE. IT. STOP.

But on a lighter note, they’re eating an absolute feast and I’ve decided I want to date Nick purely to live on his winery and eat my weight in delicious food every day.

Did somebody say aphrodisiacs???

Notably, they’re eating oysters (the horny bastards of the ocean, as we call them back in my neck of the woods) and it doesn’t take long for them to make a sex joke. You simply cannot eat oysters and drink champagne without wanting to bump uglies, I’m sorry, it’s just… science.

AAAAAND then we go to Alex and Henrietta, who are enjoying a nice bath for their solo date. Don’t worry Bachie fans, this one’s filled with mineral water, not melted chocolate.

This is how baths are *supposed* to be.

They use a bunch of really awkward camera angles that pretty perfectly sum up how hard it is to have a ~romantic~ bath together without ending up with a rogue foot up your ass.

fwaw recap episode 4
For the love of GOD, move your damn foot.

Once again, Alex is wearing his signature budgie smugglers, which gives me weird flashbacks of Tony Abbott and immediately turns me off him. But thankfully, Henrietta is still hot and heavy for him.

So hot and heavy, in fact, that she throws the loaded “what are we” question in the mix, making it abundantly clear that she’s forgotten she’s on a reality dating show with three other potential wives. Honey, sweetie, no.

At this point, we need to address the elephant in the room: why the absolute fuck do these girls all think they’re the only person trying to win their farmer’s heart? You realised what you signed up for, right?

I hate it.

I hate the insecurity and the bitchiness. I’m just going to come right out and say it: if you’re not comfortable enough in your own skin to be on a dating show without comparing yourself and trying to bring down other girls, don’t go on a reality dating show. This goes for Bachie, Love Island, Bachie In Paradise and now Farmer Wants A Wife.

At this point, the only wives who actually seem to like each other are Neil’s. Honestly, I hope they all stay friends and start a podcast or something together. I really love the supportive energy.

But the same can’t be said for poor Nick, who ends up dealing with Hurricane Liz after she finds out that he kissed Emma.

I will murder you in your sleep.

She literally throws a tantrum and basically yells at him like he’s cheated on her. Sorry darl, but every other woman on this show is fair game at this point, and if you can’t handle that, leave.

She cries and literally yells “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”

Missing: Liz’s dummy, lost after she spat it out in Nick’s vineyard.

Meanwhile, Nick is just like ?????

Speaking of intense jealousy, back on Alex’s farm, Jess reminds us that she quit her job to go on the show (probably a bad idea), before showing some real jealousy about Henrietta. At this point, I don’t even care for the drama anymore, the jealousy is just annoying and dumb.

fwaw recap episode 4
Yeehaw! I quit my job for this shit!

But just when I thought the tone of this episode was “jealousy”, we venture back to Neil’s farm for some truly heartbreaking news. Seriously, I shed actual tears.

Neil, who is by-far my favourite farmer at this point, tells us the story of how his first love died in a car accident while he was driving. He was in a coma for 3 days, only to be woken up to hear the news that she hadn’t made it. MY HEART IS BROKEN. I just want to hug him.

I just want to hug him.

After the heartbreaking story, Neil decides he wants all the girls to stay. Thankfully, they’re all happy to. (I secretly hope they somehow all get married).

Harry (stupidly) also chooses to keep all of the girls, which pisses off Stacey. It’s a big ordeal, she cries and obviously wants him to kick out Madison.

fwaw recap episode 4
LOVE. THIS. FOR. ME.

Meanwhile, we have a breakthrough on Sam’s farm because quiet Kristen (who has had precisely 2 seconds of airtime) decides she’s done with Sam’s shit and promptly yeets herself out of the competition.

I simply have no words for how much I love this power move. I mean, why wait for a man to give you attention? She’s young, beautiful and smart, she doesn’t need to be a second choice. YOU GO GIRL.

brb closing my eyes and thinking about literally any other place I could be right now.

Alex, who has gotten himself into quite the pickle with Henrietta and Jessica, also chooses not to send anyone home.

Considering Jess literally pulled him aside telling him not to waste her time, she was understandably pissed that he kept them both.

At this point, Alex and Harry have the same storyline. Two girls are both keen, they hate each other, he can’t choose so he keeps them both and now everyone’s annoyed at them.

Honestly, it’s a little boring.

i’ll cut you.

But on a final note that is apparently sad for me and me only, Nick chooses to say “so long cowboy” to Marnie due to a lack of spark. I’m secretly weeping but also saw this coming from a mile away (aka from everyone in the FWAW Uncensored Facebook Group who didn’t like her from the day she stepped foot on the farm.)

He literally told her that he just doesn’t know if she’s his “forever person,” and ooooh shit, that’s gotta hurt.

fwaw recap episode 4
ouch.

So after tonight’s episode, we’re down two potential wives and are a step closer to *maybe* finding some true love.

As week 2 comes to an end, my predictions are:

Harry: Madison.

Alex: Henrietta.

Sam: Sophie.

Neil: Justine.

Nick: Emma.

If you’re confused as all hell after this wild episode, you can refresh yourself on the contestants (and where to find them) here.

Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.