We’re right at the half way mark in this season of Farmer Wants A Wife and holy shit, there was more drama in tonight’s episode than we’ve seen in the whole season so far.

Before we get started, you’re going to want to refresh your memory on the contestants because hoo boy, it’s a lot to process.

Considering there was so much drama in tonight’s episode, we’re going to have to skim through the usual shit. I’ll sum it up for you really quickly: they’re all on farms, they herd some cattle, chop down some trees and make some sandwiches. BORING.

First up, we visit Alex’s farm, where his two frontrunners Jess and Henrietta have decided they’re now besties. I simply cannot tell if it’s a bit of a “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” deal or not, but it’s funny to watch Alex stress that he’s on the verge of losing both of them.

farmer wants wife recap 5
oh how the turntables have turned

Primo TV content, we simply love to see it.

Meanwhile, we find out that Harry’s frontrunner is Karlana (???) despite her hardly having any air time thus far. I’m confused.

They all herd some sheep, which is a perfect metaphor for Harry’s time on the show so far.

farmer wants wife recap 5
harry trying to find a wife

Aaaaaand boom, we’re hit with the first bombshell of tonight’s episode: frontrunner Karlana (who actively decided to go on a show called Farmer Wants A Wife) is upset at the thought of animals being killed.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
but bambi 🙁

Now, I follow a mostly-vegan diet (vegans, please don’t come for me) but for fucks sake, don’t try to marry a bloody sheep farmer if you cant handle the thought of live agriculture??? Be smarter about this, please.

She cries, Harry comforts her, I think I care, then I realise I absolutely do not.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
meanwhile, the dog simply can’t give two fucks

Next up, Neil feels the need to up the ante in the drama department by taking all of his sister wives to meet his ex-wife at work. It’s an absolute shit show and all of the girls are visibly pissed off.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
r u kidding me

Thankfully, his ex wife is a bloody legend about it, but you could still cut the tension with a knife. Yikes.

Oh, and they also visited the Big Ram. It was pretty cool, I’m a big fan of Australia’s Big Things, so I thoroughly enjoyed this bit.

But the drama doesn’t stop there, we then find out that Karissa and Megan are upset that Justine *likely* boned Neil. Ooooooh, we live for this drama.

However, if you thought the episode was already a drama-filled shit show, you’re going to want to sit down for this because we’ve finally reached the bloody CHEATING SCANDAL.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
poor nat having nfi what’s about to happen

Basically, Harry found out that frontrunner Karlana allegedly made some sneaky comments about having a ~connection~ with one of the crew members. Understandably, Harry isn’t too stoked about it.

He pulls Ash and Stacey aside to confirm the rumour, they basically tell him “yep” and strap themselves in for the shitstorm that’s about to erupt.

They return to the hay stack to sit down, but before Harry can pull up a seat, he asks Karlana to come for a quick chat. You can literally SEE the panic in her eyes as she downs her drink.

farmer wants wife recap 5
if you fucked up and u know it chug ur drink

OOOOOHHHH SHIT, there’s about to be a fight, for sure.

Harry confronts her, she’s immediately SUPER defensive and pulls the “I can’t believe you’d ask me that” card. I sigh because my reality TV knowledge has taught me that defensiveness is almost always a sign you’ve been shady.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
me, shocked to find out that my actions have consequences

She refuses to give him a solid answer and dances around the question like she’s doing the bloody macarena before yeeting herself out of the competition for good.

But not before she goes back to finish the other girls. *sips tea*

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
hey siri, play ‘it wasn’t me’ by shaggy

Ash, who I used to hate but now think is actually pretty cool, immediately owns up to being the one who spilled the tea and apologises for sticking her foot in her mouth when it probably wasn’t needed. We stan a woman who can own her shit. Go Ash!

Naturally, Karlana storms off and gets tf out of the show.

Meanwhile, Neil tells Karissa he doesn’t remember the night with Justine, which is usually code for “we boned”. They have a fight, but she basically just ends it to keep the peace.

*takes big breath*

Then we’ve got Emma, who calls out Liz for being too overprotective and possessive over Nick.

Liz claims she’s a one woman, one man kinda gal, which is all well and good when you’re not on a reality TV show.

Thankfully, Emma calls her out and says she’s not the kissing police, before waltzing over and macking on with Nick again. WHAT. A. SAVAGE. I love her.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
ok but would the kissing police do THIS?!

At this point, it feels like everyone is trying to one-up each other with the drama because now Neil and Justine are fighting.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
i will end u and take half of ur shitty farm, neil.

For fucks sake, could the producers not spread this drama out over the last four boring episodes?!

Justine is now giving Neil the cold shoulder (literally, he’s rubbing her shoulder and she’s acting like he’s a ghost).

Thankfully, Henrietta and Liz are playing marriage counsellors and are here to try to mediate the Justine/Neil shit show.

Understandably, Megan and Karissa are pissed because Neil is flailing over Justine just like they said he would.

To up the ante once again, Karissa now throws her own tanty to detract from Justine’s shit and see if Neil will follow her. It’s childish as heck, but good god, it makes for some bloody good TV.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
two can play at that game, sweetie

Now Neil is fighting with Karissa and is understandably heated because he’s spent the whole episode wrangling his three wives.

Karissa says she’s out, making it *checks notes* two wives who have self-yeeted in one episode.

I audibly gasp trying to work out what the actual fuck is happening. Poor Nat is just sitting her like “what the fuck, I boasted about this being the ~real~ love show like two weeks ago.”

1 like = 1 prayer for Nat.

*takes another deep breath*

And with that, it’s time for the farmers to choose their solo dates, which feels incredibly risky after the multiple fights in tonight’s episode.

Nick picks Naomi, which is a safe choice considering she’s the only one who hasn’t copped a date yet. Smart man, smart man.

Sam, who has flown under the radar thus far because even the producers simply cannot give a shit about him anymore, picks Riley.

Alex picks Sarah, who has seen barely a minute of air time since she dropped the no sex before marriage bombshell in episode one.

Harry *finally* takes Ash on a date, which seems only fair considering she’s the one who spilled the Karlana tea.

And finally, drumroll please……

We have Neil.

As it turns out, Karissa only fake-yeeted and is still sitting there waiting for her chance at a solo date with Neil.

FARMER RECAP: Hoo Boy, The Cheating Scandal Wasn’t Even The Biggest Mess Of The Episode
if he doesn’t pick me i will literally harvest his organs.

He spews a speech about how it has been a real headache to pick his next date (please shed a tear for the man who has the hard decision of choosing one of three women to take on an all-expenses-paid date).

Aaaaaaaand, he picks JUSTINE!

Ooft, this man has some balls picking Justine after tonight’s episode. At this point, everyone on Neil’s farm needs to sleep with an eye open.

Lavender Baj is the Arvo/Nights Writer at Pedestrian. She posts thirst traps and dog pics on Instagram and tweets every bat-shit thought she ever has on Twitter.